Chapter 130: Rationalize

Anarchy was more than just a lack of order. It was the insanity that wrought the ruin of all things stable. It destroyed peace, disrupted harmony, defaced all forms of law. 

It made friends, lovers, and family turn on each other, as if death was the only purpose of the living. It warped the desire to protect into the desire to kill. And finally, it unlocked all inhibitions that might have prevented someone from carrying out their newfound intentions. 

These thoughts had come to me after a day or so of thinking. Umara and I hadn’t been asleep for so long; it was just that our minds were so occupied with our thoughts that we may as well have been sleeping. Neither of us could pull ourselves out of this stupor before we figured everything out. 

We had attempted to make sense of Anarchy. Not just the concept, but that which embodied it. That two headed monster haunted both of our minds; only through comprehension could we drive it out. 

My guardian angel, as well as Umara’s, had only saved us from the immediate insanity that Anarchy had imprinted unto our minds when we saw it. That did nothing to wash the image – not merely a memory, but carrying the influence of Anarchy, the raw unfiltered concept the monster represented – from our minds. 

It was difficult to think of a living thing as a walking concept, but this was a world of magical bullshit; I wasn’t closed to the idea. 

The issue was that it was simply too easy to think of the monster. The moment its image popped into your head, its influence would hitch a ride and come as well. As a result, a homicidal rage similar to the one we initially experienced would flood your mind. It didn’t have the same secondary effect of getting rid of inhibitions, thus not actually affecting your desires nor making you act on your thoughts, but still proved impossible to simply wash from your mind. 

Not unless you could rationalize your way out. And to do that, you needed to understand why Anarchy wasn’t something to follow or believe. 

It was effectively a moral and philosophical debate. Except the outcome of this internalized argument would dictate your actions, for better or worse. It wasn’t something you could just haphazardly conclude and push to the back of your mind. 

If you couldn’t reach a good conclusion, you would return to the insanity that affected everyone at the base – except nobody could save you this time around. 

This made it incredibly difficult to let myself come to a definite conclusion. And I was thinking several times faster than Umara. How long it would take her, I wasn’t sure. 

And that’s why we were constantly communicating. I had established a telepathic link almost the instant I realized what was going on. I wanted to make sure that my own thoughts weren’t going down the wrong path. I was keeping my mind in check, using Umara’s thoughts as a sanity test. 

But as time went on and both of us figured out what we had to do, we entered a deep discussion that wouldn’t end until we could come to a consensus. 

We established pretty quickly that Anarchy wasn’t just something to go against. I had learned about no small amount of philosophical, moral, and ethical beliefs on Earth, and I myself had come to the conclusion that everything, both good and bad, had their roles to play in our lives. 

Call it the cycle of life, yin and yang, duality, opposites attracting, or whatever else you wanted. There were two sides to every coin and that meant Anarchy wasn’t wholly or inherently something to bastardize. It played a part in our lives, especially my own philosophies. 

Did a revolution or rebellion not take a certain level of anarchy to achieve? Did plunging a country into chaos not require the dissolution of law, peace, and harmony? It didn’t matter if it was to achieve your goals or not. Without anarchy, you would never be able to get away from order, regardless of whether that order was good or bad. 

Or put simply, you can’t make an omelet without breaking a few eggs. It was an unfortunate truth of the world, but violence did solve problems. A Utopia of peace and harmony, by definition, was unachievable. Maybe humanity was never deserving of something like a Utopia. Or maybe we would never be able to appreciate one without being incapable of achieving it. 

Regardless, it was clear to me that anarchy had a role in my thinking. It wasn’t inherently good or bad, but merely a function of life. And only when taken to its purest extreme did it become a very bad thing. After some time, I could feel Umara resonating with my thoughts. 

The only debate was over what degree of influence anarchy could have on our lives. That wasn’t as easy to determine. 

Too much anarchy in our lives would mean we would be trying to overthrow every form of authority we came across. We might not be trying to kill everyone we came across, but the level of conflict in our lives would skyrocket. There would be no peace.

But too little meant that we wouldn’t be able to achieve any of our goals. In this way, our relationship underwent something of a test. 

Umara and I were facing pressure at every turn. Just about everyone wanted us separated, and we had to fight just to continue seeing each other. It wasn’t easy, that much was certain. I, for one, would have a far easier time in life if I just broke up with her. Almost all of the noble class would get off my ass and I would be free to pursue anybody they didn’t care about. 

But we never did that. Everyone came after me since I was the only one they could touch, and I fought them all off. Umara did her best to help in the form of resisting the pressure on her family and keeping it away from me. We both had our own battles to fight. 

And we were only willing to keep fighting because we were willing to accept a certain level of chaos and anarchy in our lives to get what we wanted. But there was a balance that we had been pretty desperate to maintain. If I hadn’t gotten as strong as I did, then that balance likely would have collapsed a while ago. But I was able to triumph over the tournament, which was the last card they could play to semi-discreetly dispose of me. Because of that, I was able to refrain from resorting to a greater level of anarchy, a level that probably would have been my downfall. 

Due to my experiences, both on Earth and here, I felt like I had a pretty good grasp on the level of anarchy I could allow in my life. Unlike Umara, ethics and philosophy were prevalent topics on Earth and something I had debated often enough. I had even taken classes on them, for however much that was worth. 

But she didn’t. Those things simply weren’t as big of an issue here in this world where there was only one dominant religion and an existential enemy at your doorstep. For the most part, everyone was too busy with living to worry about crap like that. 

Umara never had an opportunity to reflect on morality. I would have to be careful. 

She was much more volatile than I was. She didn’t have the same stability of mind I did, which helped rather significantly with dealing with Anarchy. And since she also didn’t have a foundation of years of pondering and debate, she needed to form a philosophy in a short amount of time and with far higher stakes. 

It was difficult to help her while I was also trying to rationalize everything and subdue the monstrous image in my mind, but I was trying my best. 

Which, after almost 48 hours, led to the current conversation. 

(Who the fuck should be allowed to tell us what we can and can’t do?! I’m the daughter of a Duchess! If I want to have sex with you, then I shouldn’t have to give a damn about anyone else! I’ll fuck you whenever I please!)

(Whenever we both want to.) 

(… Hah. Yes, I get that. But my point still stands!)

I inwardly sighed. She was practically explosive at this point, and I had devoted a chunk of myself away from rationalization towards restraining her a little.

It was amazing just how calm she usually was. Umara didn’t let her emotions show very often, especially not in public. Even when we were alone, she was generally the one who tried to keep herself calm and collected. In comparison, I wore my heart on my sleeve.

That’s how nobles were supposed to be, and that’s how she had been raised. But that also meant that much of her emotions had been repressed. 

Both of us were completely unfiltered right now. 

I was still a bit surprised at the depth of her discontent. Despite understanding her upbringing, she was holding back a lot more than I expected, far angrier about the whole situation. 

Which is why I asked. 

(If you understand exactly why they’re doing what they’re doing, then why are you so mad about it? It’s not something you can necessarily control… their own opinions I mean. Since that’s the case, you shouldn’t be letting it get to you like this.)

(It’s a matter of principle, John! I know you also understand that, you cite that plenty enough. You know why I’m so mad. This is just the first time you’ve seen it, because believe it or not, I have more self-control than you do. I have to, for my family and our image. For me, the game is all about having a poker face, as you like to call it. It’s all a bunch of bullshit, but that’s the way it is, so I play along. But because you find no reason to conceal your own emotions and filter your words, I have to compensate. That’s why everyone sees you as the stupid peasant who couldn’t possibly have any thoughts worth hearing, while I have to be the ice queen bitch! You think I like playing nice with a bunch of old motherfuckers?! You think I like smiling when I feel like gouging out their eyeballs and spreading their guts across the floor?!)

(…)

I stayed silent as she exploded. 

(Do you think I like hearing about how you’ve fucked other girls too?! Sex is supposed to be one of the most intimate things a couple can do, and you’ve done it with multiple other girls before! Part of me can hardly believe that you could be as intimate with me as I would be with you! I can’t help but imagine it as one-sided now! But I never told you these things because that’s not the right thing to do. The right thing to do would be to disregard it and trust you when you say that it has no bearing on us. And that’s what I did. But that never meant that it didn’t piss me off. You just didn’t get to see it. And now, we stand at a crossroads because I’ve exposed myself. So what do you plan to do?! What can we possibly do that would fix our balance?!)

(… We should take a step back.)

I said that while opening my eyes, sitting up on the bed we laid in. 

Umara sensed it and did the same, the two of us looking at each other with fire in our eyes. 

She was right, we had reached a crossroads. 

She was exploding, all of her bottled up emotion coming out all at once. And I was left here wondering if she was even capable of taking our relationship to the next level. 

So I was about to make things really simple. 

(Umara, I’m not the one with an issue. You are. You hate the fact that I’ve had sex before. I understand why you do. But right now, you need to cool yourself off and tell me if you’re capable of getting past that. Because if not, then there’s no reason why we shouldn’t break up right now. Do you understand that?)

(… Fuck’s sake.)

She suddenly started crying. I could feel the anger within her, but I could also feel the surge of dread at the mention of us breaking up. 

She seemed to sober up pretty quickly, but the conflict was obvious. 

She looked down, drawing her knees into herself. 

“… It hurts.”

She whispered out loud. 

“I get so mad sometimes. I can’t know if anybody around me is trustworthy. All of the nobles have openly talked about how valuable my child would be for them and how I’m at risk of tainting my womb with some commoner garbage. And then their children come and try to be friendly with me, talking about how pretty I am and how amazing my progress is while calling us lifelong friends. I’m not even sure my few childhood friends are still my friends. Sometimes I think they just make an effort to stay relevant in my life so they can try to manipulate me due to the state of my family. I can’t know, and it’s infuriating. And… And you…”

“I might be the same, right?”

I looked down at her with a neutral face, watching as she nodded lightly. 

“You… Maybe you’re trying to sleep with me for my money, or my mother’s influence. You’re not a noble, so attaining one of my mother’s businesses would set you up for life. Or worse, you could just see me as a trophy. Sleeping with me would be quite the impressive feat, especially if you never meant any of the things you’ve said to me. Even you rejecting my gifts could be an act. I just don’t know…”

“Good God, woman.”

I let out a sharp huff before standing from the bed, pacing a few times before turning back to her. 

It was difficult to see her so pitiful. She was doubting everything we’ve ever done for each other, everything we’ve told each other. She was doubting all of the experiences we’ve had up until now. 

I shook my head. 

“To think we’ve faced the fucking incarnation of death together and you’re doubting whether or not I really didn’t want you to buy me the hood. It’s quite enlightening though. I told you that I was going to trust you and love you unconditionally, but obviously I didn’t even think about the fact that you didn’t promise me the same. You’re calling everything I’ve done into question, and why? Because you’ve had some bad experiences with some stupid fucking nobles? You’re really going to let them ruin everything for us?”

“… All I’m doing is recalling my life’s experiences. This is how my life is.”

“Then let me make it crystal fucking clear, because right now, there is no possible way that I can try to act or deceive you. I simply don’t have the patience for shit like that, nor will Anarchy let me, especially when it might dictate whether I give you the rest of my fucking life or not.”

I went over and propped my knee on the side of the bed, leaning over to her and speaking with a low voice. 

I had to admit, I was pretty pissed now too.

“I simply do not care about the thoughts of nobles. I don’t care about their opinions, I don’t care about their feelings, I don’t care about what they want, like, or hate. The entirety of the noble class could come and gargle on my balls and it wouldn’t make me like them any more. Frankly, that goes for your past experiences with them too. Where I come from, shitting all over the name of nobles and elitists is an enjoyable pastime. And we did that because almost all those people are a bunch of disgusting immoral pigs. And it seems like you’ve come to the same conclusion. But you’ve made the mistake of thinking that I could possibly be remotely similar to them. It’s insulting, and it tells me one thing.”

I tapped Umara’s forehead. 

“You obviously haven’t stopped being one. You let them get into your head, you let them brainwash you into thinking you have to play their game to survive. And even if that’s not the case, at the very least, you let them convince you that you should care about anything they have to say. You see, dealing with nobles is relatively easy for me because I don’t actually listen to them. They think I’m just a worthless peasant with no thoughts worth hearing? Who the fuck cares?! All of my unfiltered conflicts with them in the past didn’t change anything since they’ve hated me from the beginning! There was never any room for negotiation! What would being polite to them achieve? And why should their opinion of me hold any weight with you? Huh?”

“…”

Umara didn’t respond, so I turned around and found a chair to sit in. 

I let her stew in her thoughts for a while. 

In my eyes, I could see our Auras. Mine was pretty solid and in the cloudy form it was usually in. Honestly, my rationalization about Anarchy was already pretty set. This discussion with Umara was the only loose end that I needed to figure out. 

But Umara’s was volatile, reflecting her emotions. It was unstable and fluid, flowing about her in violent streams that changed directions in a heartbeat, making it clear that she had yet to come to a conclusion. 

But after what had to be almost half an hour of stewing in silence, she finally started mumbling. With every utterance, her Aura solidified a bit more. Whatever she was thinking, it was setting things in stone and would make or break this relationship. 

“… I need to stop being a noble… All of it needs to stop. They’re… my enemies. Everyone’s enemy. There’s nothing holding them back so they dig their filthy claws into everything they can get them on. They’ve twisted even their own children to play their games. They need to be dethroned.”

“In a way.”

I smiled a bit, rubbing my chin as her head snapped toward me. 

“What do you mean in a way? You made it pretty clear that they need to go to hell.”

“They do, but you need to understand that this place isn’t like my home. Like I said during the discussion we had with Vetsmon’s father, magic makes it impossible to abolish the noble class. Even if there were someone powerful who did so by killing all nobles, they would then become king, the de facto noble class that stands above all. That’s what magic does. So I agree that nobles need to go fuck themselves. But we don’t do that by getting rid of them. We need another way.”

“… Kind of like what the Church did?”

“Yes. You keep them in check. But you have to have the power first. Until then, we can only do what we can to not give them an excuse to just outright kill us for daring to go against them. Which is what I’ve been doing.”

“…Yes, you’ve balanced that well. Only because you can find safe refuge with my mother and the hotel.”

“Exactly. Which is why you also can’t just forsake your nobility just yet. We need the title and the protection it affords us, so long as we come to the conclusion that our relationship can continue to work.”

I stood and walked over to the bed, sitting on its side and grabbing Umara’s hand tight.

“Umara, I can’t do anything about your doubt beyond what I have. That’s something you need to rectify within yourself. All I can ask is that you look at what we’ve been through and understand that I’m not here to deceive or use you. You worry that I’m like the nobles. Well, unfortunately I’m also worried that you’re like them. I liked you back then even before I knew you were a noble. I knew nothing about you other than the fact that you were cute, smart, and fun to be with. Your mother and her lie detector test made that pretty clear.

“As for my history, I unfortunately can’t go back in time… nor can I regret what I did. Not to mention that for me, it was never a big deal. What I did back then could never affect what I do with you now, just like how all the dates I’ve been on back then don’t make ours today any less fun or romantic. But how much it affects you is something only you can decide. It’s not something I can help you with, because for me, I’m done doubting. I don’t feel like there’s any point. After finding you, all I want to do now is live life with you. I want you to be the one person that I don’t have to question at all. It could be us against the world, with enemies on all sides, and I’d be just fine knowing I was fighting with you because I could lay my life in your hands without a shadow of a doubt. The question is whether you want the same.”

I finished with a breath of resignation. It wasn’t a decision I could make for her. What I wanted was clear. She had to decide to meet me there. This was a street that went both ways and if I needed to leave her behind, then so be it. I wouldn’t waste the time. 

Her eyes met mine, but they also looked like they were staring off into space. She spent a long time silent before muttering. 

“It seems… like we’ll have to kick it up a notch.”

“Kick it up how?”

“I haven’t been extreme enough. I’ve been lagging behind in just about every respect. From our relationship to my power, I’ve just been riding along and reacting to everything. But that’s going to have to stop. I need to start dictating my own life…”

Umara’s Aura rapidly solidified as she nodded. 

One thing was for certain though. When her eyes focused on mine, I knew that we were going to do just fine.

“You.”

“Yes?”

“How soon is too soon to get married?”

“I don’t even have a ring yet, dear.”

“Then how keen are you on waiting until marriage to have sex?”

“Waiting was a matter of principle. How keen are you on abandoning that?”

“…”

She went silent, her Aura shifting one more time before her Aura properly solidified. 

She let out a breath.

“We’ll figure that out later. For now… I need to tell you something.”

Umara spoke while suddenly collapsing to the bed. It looked like all her energy was being sucked away all at once. Even her face went pale. 

She smiled at me while whispering.

“I… I can’t tell you how much I love you. If I wasn’t about to pass out… I’d try to put it into words. But for now… I just want you to know that I’ll be ready…”

She mumbled, barely getting out her last words. 

“I’ll be ready for the ring… I’ll be a woman you… can be proud of… I’ll wait however long…”

She went silent, passing out as her Aura went still. 

That’s when I suddenly felt my own Aura seep out of my body, like I was letting some strange ethereal fog rush from my pores, surrounding me in a metaphysical cloud. 

It quickly solidified, becoming so stable it almost felt suffocating being inside. 

But that process, like with Umara, drained all my energy like a black hole. It only took a few seconds before my mind threatened to shut down. 

I crawled into the bed, pulling Umara close before passing out myself. 

I couldn’t respond to her, nor could she get all her words out. The conversation was a bit all over the place. Anarchy was still in our minds, and we were trying to work it out.

But I knew exactly what she wanted to say. Like her anger before, it was all too obvious. 

So I let my consciousness fade, feeling more content than I ever had been. 

Source: Webnovel.com, updated by NovelKeep