Chapter 35: Settling Affairs

“What’s going on with you lately?” Dean asked as he shut the door behind him.

Yuki looked away, crossing her arms in frustration. Her voice was quiet and almost imperceptible.

“Nothing…”

Dean didn’t push the issue he walked over to his bed and laid down on it, his eyes facing the ceiling as his thoughts escaped into the wild.

“I can’t handle this…. Not now… Not with a war going on.”

It was obvious after his conversation with Katherine the night before. At first, he had denied it, but thinking back on it and watching it unfold a second time, he realized how foolish he had been.

Yuki still didn’t say a word, she simply squirmed in her spot. Whatever thoughts were on her mind were struggling to find their way out.

And then finally, as Dean lay there not willing to even look in her direction, she shouted.

“God dammit Dean! Are you really going to make me say it?”

Dean sighed and sat up, forcing Yuki to look straight at him.

“You’re jealous? Is that it?”

Yuki could feel the blood rushing to her cheeks, her eyes twitched in disbelief, the man had actually outright said it. She couldn’t speak, because anything she could say would only make a bigger fool of herself.

Dean sighed once more, shaking his head. He didn’t know how to explain his thoughts to the young woman. How could he? She had died to save him in his memory. Memories from before he regressed.

But for every second he thought… For every moment he hesitated. Yuki grew impatient, her lip quivering, her eyes looking back and forth. And eventually she ran out of patience altogether.

“Well!?! Aren’t you going to say something? Yes! I’m jealous! You brought another woman into our home. You’re kind to her, just like you are with me…. And she doesn’t seem to hate you either. How am I supposed to interpret this?”

Dean sat there listening to Yuki go off at him, but he wasn’t mad at her. He just didn’t understand how he had put himself into this position without ever intending to. But rationalizing it wasn’t going to do anything other than make Yuki upset.

He didn’t want that. Teasing her from time to time was one thing, but she was clearly angry about this, and no explanation would be good enough. Because his explanation didn’t address the root cause of her feelings.

“You’re right… I wasn’t thinking about you when I made that choice. The thought never even crossed my mind. I didn’t think how it would change our dynamic, and how that would make you feel. But Yuki, you have to know I have no feelings for her. I don’t even know her.”

Yuki huffed and puffed, her bangs lifted momentarily while she spoke.

“You didn’t know me either when you invited me in…. And you seem quite friendly with her, talking about hunting and pheasants…”

Yuki made a valid point, from her perspective they had met once or twice before he invited her inside. Briefly, in passing, they barely would have known each other’s names.

There was no way for him to explain that. She had no inkling of the debt he felt that he owed her. Dean ran a hand through his hair and exhaled slowly.

“I am not calm right now,” he said at last.

The words surprised even him.

Yuki blinked, almost as if she had not heard him correctly. But Dean didn’t raise his voice, and he didn’t glare. If anything, his tone was quieter than usual.

“I made decisions in the last two days that I’ll be living with for the rest of my life.” His jaw tightened slightly. “So if I missed how this would make you feel… that’s on me.”

The anger in Yuki’s expression faltered, just a little.

“That doesn’t answer my question,” she muttered.

“No,” he agreed. “It doesn’t.”

He leaned forward, elbows resting on his knees.

“When I brought Katherine here, I was thinking about utility. A doctor is valuable. In a war, you secure assets before someone else does.” His eyes lifted to meet hers. “I wasn’t thinking about replacing anyone. That thought never crossed my mind.”

Yuki swallowed.

“You didn’t think about it at all,” she said quietly.

“You’re right.”

That landed harder than any excuse would have.

Silence stretched between them.

“I shot someone yesterday,” Dean continued, voice even. “Someone I once planned to marry.”

Yuki’s breath caught.

“And I executed the man who used to call me his brother.”

He didn’t look away when he said it.

“There isn’t a part of me that isn’t under strain right now. I haven’t slept, I am balancing war, security, supply lines, loyalty, betrayal… and I came home expecting this place to be stable.” His eyes softened, just slightly. “That’s my mistake.”

Yuki’s anger had drained, replaced with something more fragile.

“I’m not trying to make things harder for you,” she said.

“I know.” Dean said, his eyes still cast at the floor.

“Then why does it feel like I’m being pushed aside?”

Yuki’s question was the real one.

Dean stood and crossed the room slowly. He stopped just in front of her.

“Do you think I invited you to come live with me when the winter first began because I thought you were a pretty face? I cannot even begin to explain what you mean to me, Yuki. Every time I step out that door, I have to face the world outside. It is cold, cruel, and unforgiving. But I have to face it, nonetheless. The only thing that makes it worth it, is I know that when I step through those doors, I get to see you waiting there for me, regardless of what ugly thing I’ve done that day. Katherine can’t do that… she doesn’t even know me.”

Yuki’s words caught in her mouth momentarily.

“But I didn’t know-”

Dean cut her off as he reached for her hand and wrapped it in his own. She looked up and directly into his eyes for the first time since this conversation began.

“You do know me… You may not have then… But you do now… Or do you think this last month hasn’t been enough exposure for you to figure out who I am yet?”

Yuki laughed softly, while a bitter smile formed on her lips.

“Yeah… And if a month from now Katherine knows you too? If she welcomes you home with dinner and a beer in hand what then?”

The mere idea caused Dean to break out in laughter. Something that had completely caught Yuki off guard.

“Oh God, can you imagine? If she did that, then she still wouldn’t be you.”

Once more the warmth returned to Yuki’s cheeks, her eyes swayed side to side. She could tell Dean meant it. It was stupid, it wasn’t logical in the slightest. How could she be enough? He still hadn’t said anything she had done that Katherine couldn’t do.

But, for some reason, it was enough… She no longer resisted the heat of his hand as it intertwined with her own.

“Dean… I think I-”

Yuki was halted in the middle of her statement by a single finger pressed to her lips. She looked up at Dean clearly caught off guard. But instantly settled when he spoke to her.

“Yuki… I can’t… Not right now… After everything that has happened… After everything that I still need to do…. Now is not the time. But when this is all over, and we are safe again, we will deal with it properly.”

Dean didn’t say another word, he left the room behind causing Yuki to fall back and rest on his bed.

It was only after the door shut behind Dean that she instantly replay everything that had happened in her head and squeal in embarrassment.

“Oh my god Yuki you’re so stupid!”

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