Chapter 43: The Weight Of Worth

“You must know… I’m usually really good at initiating a conversation. But really, I have no idea how to start this note, or what to say in the first place. This is my last, since her control has been getting stronger, and I can’t hang on any longer.

There’s so much I want to say, but I know I don’t have the time. And yet here I am, wasting that time on useless stuff. You must really resent me… but I beg you to forgive me, I don’t want to lose control knowing you hate me. So you must forgive me… just this once.

I guess the first thing I can do is tell the truth about why I wrote these notes. Since it’s not only because I wanted you to end my suffering. There’s another, more selfish purpose.

I’m scared, I don’t remember when it was the last time I had the hair on my arms raise like this. I knew this day would come, from the day we started using humans, how much of a mistake that was. And yet here I am, not able to let go of my sinful self.

After I lose control, that’s it, I’ll just cease to exist, I won’t even have a proper death. I didn’t want to be alone when it happened, so that’s why I’m writing this note, not to be alone when I just… stop existing.

This is the last bunker inside the outskirts; the rest are in the Rings. Don’t die, for me, for all of us, you can’t die.

And as your senior, I should give you some advice, but really, I don’t feel so wise right now. So it will probably not help you this much.

Hope is a strong weapon, but it’s also very dangerous if it’s desperate. Whatever you do, don’t let yourself fall into it.

One last time, goodbye my favourite Fool…

no, goodbye, my dear friend, Aether.”

— Jack.

…

…

Aether stared at the note, frozen in shock, before a wave of anger rushed over him. He crumbled the note and threw it inside the blood, so no one else dared read it.

His mind was in shambles, and he couldn’t even think properly, because the shitty knight was standing behind him like a useless child that is angry for the dumbest reason. He got that he was mad they used human lives, but what if they did? The world was wrong; did he think everyone was as honorable as him?

Some didn’t have the opportunity to choose what happened in their lives, and many weren’t as talented as him. So who said the researchers did it because they wanted to do it, for the fun of it? What if they needed to do it? Did that make it not wrong anymore?

Killing is morally wrong, but if you had to do it for someone you love, would it even matter? Will it still be wrong if you saw the one you love with a knife to their neck? If you got questioned for it, would you sit there and admit what you did was wrong, and you shouldn’t have?

No!

Killing is justifiable; taking a life is the right choice in many situations.

…

He took a deep breath, trying to calm himself down. And turned to Elpis.

“Do you mind taking a short break? I need to process something.”

Elpis was confused, by decided to accept, since it wasn’t like he also didn’t need to think about what he wanted to do. If he was going to stop his companions from going on the same path as the researchers, or let them sacrifice the lives of innocent humans.

Aether sat down on the floor, summoning his cloak so his clothes wouldn’t get stained. But his hands did, and looking at them bloodied, wasn’t helping him work things out.

He had so many questions, which was ironic since some were caused by answers to past questions.

’Jack.’

That was the name of the researchers who had left all the notes behind. It made sense, J. can stand for Jack. But he doubted that it was just that. He just couldn’t find the real meaning of his name. Why had he just now decided to reveal it, in his last note? It didn’t make sense.

Maybe because nothing was right for him at the moment. While he tried to stand calm, anger was still washing over him, but he didn’t know why, or for whom. He had even lashed out at Elpis earlier, even though he had done nothing.

But he had an idea for what could have caused it.

’My dear friend Aether…’

Just thinking of it made him grit his teeth.

He knew that when entering a book, you take someone else’s place, but he had never had someone from inside a book call him by his name without telling them his name first. He didn’t know if the original name of the person taken over also changed to the name of the reader. But he got an awful feeling seeing it there. Maybe because it related him personally to them, to the Children of Praise, but he felt awful, to the point he had to clench his chest.

And what was his last advice? What did it mean? Why did he have to be so vague all the time? Could he never come up with actual advice?

’Don’t stare at the sun for too long… don’t let yourself fall to hope… Just what the heck did they mean?’

He took another deep breath, realizing he was starting to let anger control him again.

His mind was in shambles, so it was hard to concentrate on one thing.

But he wasn’t the only one who was having a battle with himself; Elpis, too, was suffering the same fate.

It had started all the way in Downspire, when he first learned from Avrie how cores were made. He hated the idea of humans having to be hurt, and maybe even killed, their lives valued much more than a core.

But he just thought that he was overthinking things, and humans didn’t have to suffer. He wanted to side with his childhood friend and his new companion; he really wanted to. But his honor kept getting in his way.

And now that his nightmare was confirmed, his honor was raging. He didn’t want any more blood to be spilled; too much had been wasted already. And yet, if he stopped it from happening, he would just doom the world.

The Fool was right; the world was changing and would soon end. The Abyssal creatures appearing inside the wastelands were a clear sign that the day was coming soon. If he helped with the creation of the Sun by saving the researcher, or just creating one by himself, he would save many humans, more than the ones lost in the process.

But they would have died by his hand. If he stopped, then more would die, but none would be his fault.

So it was a question of whether he was going to sacrifice the world and stay clean and true to his honor and pride. Or save the world but stain his hands, and betray his pride and honor.

Which did he want to save? His honor and pride, or the lives of many.

…

He couldn’t decide. It was as if he were choosing what part of himself he wanted to let go of.

Pausing for some time, he finally said something.

“Aether, how much do you think a human life is worth?”

The Fool didn’t respond for some time; he just stared at the sea of blood at their feet.

“A human life doesn’t value anything, it’s priceless. But when you get to the point of questioning yourself about the worth of one, it truly becomes worthless.”

Elpis scoffed as he smiled gently.

“Then I guess I have been worrying for nothing. In reality, it wasn’t the human lives that mattered to me; it was just that I didn’t want to face who I was. I didn’t want to face my past…”

He chuckled, looking at the ceiling. The memories of his past washed over him. From when he wasn’t this honorable knight, when he first started to question the worth of a human.

He clenched his fist as he silently scoffed, disappointed at himself for being so scared to face himself until now.

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