Chapter 86: 86

NADINE’S P.O.V

Joshua left after that. He didn’t stay to hear the rest of the decision. He said he’d figure out what we chose by morning.

I didn’t know how to feel about his words. I hadn’t expected him to blindly believe me, he barely even knew me. Even when we were at the bunker, we weren’t exceptionally close. The only reason we were friends was because our parents forced us to interact with one another.

I just didn’t expect the open hostility.

After he left, Amy kept shooting me pitying looks and it pissed me off. The only thing I hated more than being called a liar was being looked at like I was a fragile doll. I tried to tune her out and focused on the task at hand- choosing a path. It only took two minutes for us to come to a conclusion and the moment we did, I stood to my feet and left.

“Nadine, wait,” Rowan called out, but I ignored her.

I made my way to the bed that served as ours and curled up in it. I didn’t even bother stripping out of my clothes. There was no use.

“Are you going to ignore me now?” he asked but I said nothing. “Since when did cowardice become your thing?”

“Leave me alone, Rowan, please.”

“No.” I heard the door shut behind him and I felt the bed dip as he crawled in next to me. He wrapped his arms around my mid-section and pulled me into him.

I didn’t fight him, but I didn’t acknowledge him either. I stubbornly clenched my jaw and focused all my attention on the wall in front of me. He sighed behind me, brushing my hair away from my shoulder to place a soft kiss on my collarbone.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and I finally turn to him.

“Why are you apologizing for something that’s not your fault?”

He shrugged. “You’re hurting, that’s enough reason for me to apologize.”

“I’m not hurting.”

He rolled his eyes. “It’s not a bad thing, you know. He’s your friend.”

“I think he’s made it very clear that he’s not.”

“Nadine stop,” he snapped and I frowned. “I understand how you feel right now, but you also have to understand that Trent is smart and manipulative. He has everyone in that bunker feeling indebted to him. He has never hurt Joshua, if anything, he has protected him all his life, you don’t expect him to just give that up, do you?”

“I expected some grace.”

“He is out here with you. What do you call that? He left the safety of the bunker and chose to stay here with you.”

“Why are you defending him?”

He seemed exasperated as he ran his hands through his hair. “I’m not defending him, I’m looking out for you.”

I knew he was right and his words made a lot of sense but I didn’t want to accept that. I knew I was being unreasonable about the whole thing, but for some reason, I didn’t care. I had a right to be unreasonable after everything that happened to me.

“How come you believe me? Amy does too?”

He snorted. “If you think Amy is here because she blindly believes everything you said then you’re lying to yourself. Amy was always going to leave, she’s sticking with us because we have experience. I believe you because I know the bastard. I’m his son for fucks sake. Joshua doesn’t have that.”

I frowned and crossed my arms over my chest.

Rowan sighed, sitting up slowly and pulling me to sit up next to him. He turned me to face him completely.

“He was an absolute ass to you today, and that will never happen again, but give him grace, Nadine.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

It looked like he wanted to say more, but at the last minute, he decided against it, choosing instead to sigh and cross his arms over his chest. His eyes roamed my face carefully, as if he was silently assessing me. I’d always hated when he did that, it made me feel like he was stripping me bare.

“What is this truly about?” he asked. “Is this about Joshua or the fact that you don’t want to return to the train tracks.”

I pursed my lips, crossing my arms across my chest. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

After Joshua left, Rowan had chosen the train tracks. He didn’t give a reason, but he didn’t have to.

I didn’t end up choosing, because it didn’t matter. If I chose the roads, we’d be deadlocked and that was the last thing I wanted. I allowed the majority vote win and I walked away.

Tomorrow, we’d be heading for the tracks and even though I tried to hide it, the thought terrified me. I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to deal with it again. It was hard enough the first time.

“It won’t be like last time,” he whispered. “You have better experience. We’re all experienced.”

I snorted. “Dan was experienced, and he still died.”

“Dan’s death was a fucking tragedy, princess, and you know it. It doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. We know better now. We keep watch in twos, we will always be packed and ready to run if something happens.”

I crossed my arms over my chest. “Anything could still go wrong.”

“That is true. Things could go wrong on the roads too. We will never be truly safe and you know it.”

I sighed, allowing my head to rest on his chest. He didn’t hesitate before wrapping his arms around me and running his taking apart the braid I’d put my hair in. Once he was done, he ran his fingers through my curls in deliberate strokes.

“Do you ever think about Jennifer?” I asked and he stilled. “I wonder if she’s still alive.”

“She probably is. She’s not a quitter.”

“Do you wish we’d gone with her?” when he didn’t respond, I tilted my head to look up at him. “She said she wanted to fight this thing, isn’t that what we’re doing right now? Things would’ve been easier if we went with her and I probably wouldn’t have lost the-”

I trailed off.

I saw sadness flash across Rowan’s face as he pressed a lingering kiss to my forehead.

“I don’t think it matters anymore,” he said finally. “We’ll never know how things would’ve happened and there’s no use dwelling on what ifs.”

“You’re right.” I pulled back from him. “Are we done now? I want to go to sleep.”

He just nodded and allowed me to pull away from him and curl up on my side.

For a long minute, he didn’t do anything, didn’t try to reach out for me or touch me, he just sat behind me, watching me. I tried to even out my breathing, tried to calm myself enough to fall asleep but I didn’t work. Just when I was about to give up and turn to him, I heard him speak.

“Sleep, princess.”

“I can’t.”

“Why not?”

I rolled my eyes. “Don’t you think if I knew, I’d fix it?”

He chuckled softly, the sound warming my insides before he spoke. “It won’t be like last time.”

I knew what he was talking about instantly. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

Another beat of silence. “Both.”

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