Chapter 89: 89

NADINE’S P.O.V

“I’m sorry.”

After an entire day of complete silence, I’d given up on mending things with Joshua. I figured I could just avoid him for the rest of the journey. We avoided looking at each other and being in the same vicinity as each other.

If I saw him coming one way, I’d go the other. I could tell the tension between us affected everyone else but no one said a thing. Rowan tried to talk to me about it, but I shut it down as quickly as it started. I didn’t need him speaking on behalf of Joshua.

I looked up at Joshua, wondering if I’d misheard him, but I knew I didn’t. He stood in front of me, his hands shoved deep into the pocket of his pants. I sat up slowly, crossing my legs in front of me as I stared at him.

“What for?” I asked finally. I had no intentions of taking a half assed apology from him. If he wanted to apologize, then I’d make sure he did it right.

“Everything. I’ve been a dick to you and you don’t deserve that.” He hesitated before taking the seat next to me. “I know it’s illogical to blame you for what happened but I needed someone to blame and you were the easy target.”

“Why me? Why not Rowan?”

He shrugged. “Because I know he doesn’t give a shit. Hating him wouldn’t have any effect on him and I just wanted someone to feel as frustrated as I did. It doesn’t justify what I did. I’m sorry.”

I played his words over in my head. He was right about his anger not justifying his actions and while a part of me desperately wanted to tell him to fuck off, I didn’t, because at the end of the day, we were stuck together and I desperately wanted to squash whatever problems we had.

“It’s fine,” I said after a beat of silence. “It doesn’t really matter anymore.”

He let out a sigh of relief. “Thank fuck. I thought you’d hold it over my head.”

“I still might, don’t tempt me.”

His lips quirked and it felt like old times, when we still knew each other, when we both hadn’t seen how terrifying life could be.

“We’re heading to the lab tomorrow,” he began slowly and I nodded. “Caine says it’s a few days out.”

I hummed. Five days to be exact. I was equal parts excited and terrified. “We could find something there.”

“Or we could find nothing,” he added. “All of this could have been a wasted effort.”

The unfortunate thing was, I wasn’t sure which was worse.

“Have you thought about after?” he asked. “Where are you going to go?”

“I don’t know.”

It was the sad truth. There was no after that I could think of. The only person I knew who was out here was either missing or dead. The rest of my life would probably include walking around aimlessly until I was either killed by the monsters or starvation.

“I found a radio in the supermarket,” he took out a small pocket sized radio from his pocket. “Remember I told you about tuning into different frequencies to get news, right?”

I nodded. “Yes, but we can’t go to another bunker. You know that.”

“I do, but what if there are other people who don’t live in bunkers? I can’t be the only one with the knowledge of radios. I’ve been checking out different frequencies for an hour. I haven’t been able to find anything yet.”

The chances of us finding other people was slim, but it was better than nothing. A little hope could either be very disastrous or it could be exactly what we needed.

“Just keep looking,” I said finally. “Hopefully we find something.”

“And if we don’t?”

I shrugged. “Then we’ll figure it out.”

I gave him a small smile and left him to his devices. I walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter, exhaling deeply as I did.

I heard footsteps behind me but I didn’t need to turn, I already knew who it was. I stayed still, hoping they’d take the hint and leave me alone, but instead, the footsteps grew closer, until I felt someone stand next to me.

“Are you okay?” Any asked and I nodded slowly. “You don’t look okay.”

I shot her a blank look. “I’m fine.”

Her hair was wet, making the blue appear somewhat darker. Her roots were beginning to grow out and I was shocked to see that her hair was a light brown color- almost blond- I wasn’t sure why, but I’d imagined her with black hair.

She must have noticed me staring because she subconsciously touched her hair. “I’ve been searching for dye everywhere. I’m yet to find a shade of blue though. I’ve seen black and blond, but no blue.”

“Does it have to be blue?”

“Not really, but it’s what I’ve been feeling lately.”

“Why do it?” I asked. “Why bother dyeing your hair? It’s not like anyone is going to see it.”

“True, but right now, my hair is the only thing I have control over. I started right after the monsters struck. We were at home, my son and I, when I saw on the news that there were some strange creatures around. I ignored it because I figured it was propaganda. We barely went out anyway. I mostly home schooled him.

It wasn’t until the sirens began that I realized just how bad it was. We tried everything from safe houses to shelters but no one would take us in because I had a son. We were on the street when the armored cars came to take soldiers. One of them got a little handsy with me and I broke his nose. They offered me the chance to be a soldier.”

“You took it,” I finished for her and she nodded.

“Since that day everything I’ve done has been monitored. I couldn’t take a shit without people breathing down my neck. I was grateful for the safety, but I’d never been the kind of person to stay still. I wanted pills and I was scared I’d relapse. The soldiers weren’t all that nice either. Someone must have found out about my past because I’d wake up to see pulls by my bed, almost as if they were goading me.”

I felt horror at her words. It was one thing to be mean and it was another to taunt someone with their addiction. I couldn’t imagine being in her position and having to fight against all of that. It was more than anyone should have to bear.

“I’m so sorry,” I whispered but she waved me off.

“It doesn’t matter. I started dyeing my hair right after. I saw a box of bright pink dye when we went to get food. I took it and it was a good way to distract myself and keep myself occupied. I’ve been doing it ever since.”

I didn’t know what to say in response to that. No words would be enough. I’d lived such a privileged life that I’d forgotten that people had it worse.

“If I find any, I’ll bring it to you,” I said finally and she laughed.

She wanted to say more, but was cut off when the front door opened and heavy footsteps filled the house.

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