Chapter 190: Chapter 190: The Weight of Forever

The words spoken by the man were, on the surface, ostensibly ordinary, simple arrangements of syllables that one might hear in any casual conversation. Yet, each individual word seemed possessed of a unique, penetrating power, capable of bypassing all defenses to touch the very core of Julian Sterling’s heart. In that fleeting, infinitesimal fraction of a second, Julian actually believed, truly believed, that his heart had wavered, that the fortress he had built around his emotions had developed a fatal crack.

However, deep within his own consciousness, he knew the harsh truth: he was strictly forbidden from falling. He could not allow himself the luxury of being moved. Or, at the very least, during this precarious phase of his existence, when he possessed absolutely nothing to guarantee his own safety or future, Julian Sterling was not permitted to love this man. He needed absolute clarity and sobriety to survive, to ensure that he did not repeat the catastrophic errors of his past lives. He needed to be cold, calculating, and guarded. Yet, standing before this rare, intoxicating gentleness that the man offered, Julian’s rationality seemed to be trembling violently, threatening to collapse under the weight of an affection he hadn’t anticipated.

But in all honesty, Ethan Caldwell was precisely the sort of man who could effortlessly compel a soul to tremble. The aura of stability and absolute power that radiated from him was akin to a fatal magnetic force, a gravitational pull that no one, Julian included, could easily deny or refuse.

“Ethan Caldwell… do you actually like me?”

Julian looked straight into the man’s eyes, his own gaze clear and crystalline, yet concealing a layer of intense, careful scrutiny beneath the surface. The night wind, brisk and untamed, whipped the loose strands of his bangs across his forehead, obscuring his vision slightly. Yet, Julian did not bother to brush them away, he remained perfectly still, waiting with infinite patience for an answer. The expression on the man’s face shifted, carrying a trace of genuine surprise, perhaps Ethan had not expected Julian to be so direct, to ask such a poignant question in a moment like this. To be fair, even Julian himself hadn’t expected the words to slip past his lips, blurting out the inquiry in a sudden rush of vulnerability.

The space between them fell into a brief, heavy silence. The only sound was the soft, high-pitched whistling of the wind as it rushed through the gaps of the car windows. Ethan Caldwell did not reply immediately. He narrowed his eyes slightly, his brow furrowing as if he were carefully weighing the definition of the word “like” within his own pragmatic worldview, searching for a concept that might fit the sensation.

“I don’t know.”

Ethan answered with profound honesty, devoid of any flowery embellishment or deceitful comfort. He did not lie to make the moment sweeter. To a man like him, sentiments and romantic feelings were perhaps luxuries he could not afford, or concepts that had simply never been clearly defined in his life of power and control.

“Julian, is that particular detail truly of the essence right now? Do we need to label it?”

“Hmm?” Julian let out a short, dry chuckle, a sound laced with a hint of self-mockery. He exhaled a long breath, watching as the thin stream of white mist dissipated into the encroaching darkness of the night. “Actually, you are right. It truly isn’t necessary. It’s just that… sometimes, you make me feel as though I am genuinely loved. As if I have someone who truly cherishes me.”

When he spoke, Julian intentionally left the meaning ambiguous, treading the line between two interpretations. The “love” and “cherishing” he referred to could be interpreted as the romantic love between partners, but it also encompassed the feeling of having someone who simply took care of him, who worried about his well-being, a feeling he was experiencing for the first time. In truth, Julian was not exaggerating. Across two lifetimes, having endured the vicissitudes of fate and the chilling coldness of human nature, Ethan Caldwell was the first person, and the only person, who had ever truly indulged him, cared for him, and protected him to such an extent. Ethan gave him a sense of security that he frantically craved, even if that feeling was as fragile and transient as a soap bubble floating in the wind.

The man’s large, warm hand reached out, cupping Julian’s cheeks. His thumb moved gently, caressing the smooth, cool skin with a motion that was full of possessiveness yet paradoxically tender. Ethan looked at him deeply and said: “Because we are bound to remain by each other’s side for a lifetime. Since that is our fate, we must learn the mechanics of loving one another.”

A lifetime?

Those two words crashed down into Julian’s mind with the crushing weight of a thousand pounds. In this volatile, ever-changing world, a promise of “a lifetime” sounded incredibly distant, almost illusory. Julian wanted desperately to ask Ethan that do you realize how long a lifetime actually is? Do you have the patience to endure me for that long? Do I have the courage to trust you until the very end of time? But in the end, he said nothing. All the questions, all the doubts, were swallowed back down into the silence of his throat. Instead of speaking, he simply surged upward, leaning his body forward to press his lips against the man’s.

That kiss was no tentative exploration, it was not a shy testing of waters. It was like a lit torch hurled directly into a pile of dry straw that had been baking under the summer sun all day. Julian was proactive, a rare, aggressive initiative filled with internal conflict, yet so intense that it caused Ethan Caldwell to freeze in momentary shock. Julian wanted to use this action to fill the gaping emptiness in his heart, to temporarily drown out the calculations of loss and gain that constantly plagued his mind.

His lips were cold from the biting night wind, but the inside of his mouth was scorching hot, like molten lava. Julian was not skilled at kissing, or rather, he had never invested his heart or soul into kissing anyone before. He simply pressed his lips against the man’s, using a clumsy, instinctual desperation to nibble and bite, trying to physically verify the existence of the so-called “lifetime” that Ethan had just uttered. He wanted to taste the flavor of that promise, to see if it was sweet like nectar or bitter like poison.

However, Ethan Caldwell was not a man who allowed others to hold the reins of control for long. The conqueror’s instinct within him awakened with a roar. After just a second of surprise, his dark eyes darkened further, becoming as deep and abyssal as a bottomless chasm. Within those depths, dangerous undercurrents began to swirl, emotions Julian was too preoccupied to notice. The hand that had been resting on Julian’s waist tightened abruptly, the veins on the back of his hand bulging beneath the skin. The grip was strong, bordering on painful, yet it sent a strange thrill of excitement through Julian. Before he could react, Ethan’s other hand slid to the back of Julian’s neck, locking his head in place, forcing him to remain still as Ethan seized control, coercing the kiss to become deeper, darker, and more savage.

“Mmm…”

A soft, broken whimper escaped Julian’s throat, a fragmented sound that was immediately swallowed whole by the dominating lips pressing down from above. Ethan kissed with terrifying skill. His technique was so masterful that Julian’s mind quickly turned to mush, every logical thought blasted away into oblivion. The tip of Ethan’s tongue pried open Julian’s teeth with domineering force, invading the sanctity of his mouth. It swept through, stirring up a storm, entangling with Julian’s shy, retreating tongue, refusing to let him pull back. Ethan seemed determined to drain every ounce of air from Julian’s lungs, greedily plundering every bit of sweetness, every tremor from the person beneath him, demanding that Julian belong wholly and completely to him in this singular moment.

The wet, slick sounds of their lips parting and meeting echoed in the quiet solitude of the night, a sound that was incredibly ambiguous and shameful, causing a crimson flush to spread across Julian’s cheeks. The night wind continued to blow, carrying the biting chill of early morning mist, but the body heat radiating between the two men was intense enough to evaporate the fog around them. The unique, masculine scent of Ethan Caldwell enveloped Julian completely, acting like a drug that made him dizzy with intoxication.

Julian felt a numbing electric current shoot down his spine, paralyzing his nerves. He found himself lying back against the hood of the car. The hardness and the icy cold of the metal transmitted through his thin shirt, seeping into his skin and causing a reflexive shiver. Yet, this cold was in stark, violent contrast to the blazing heat emanating from the broad, solid chest pressing down heavily from above. The juxtaposition of fire and ice, of hardness and softness, of brutality and tenderness, overstimulated every one of his senses. Unconsciously, Julian arched his back, his arms reaching up to encircle Ethan’s neck. His fingers wove into the man’s short, stiff hair, clutching tightly, desperate as a drowning man clutching at a floating log in a stormy sea.

Only when the kiss migrated from his bruised lips down to his chin, and then slid further to the sensitive skin of his Adam’s apple, leaving behind a trail of hot, wet marks, did Julian finally manage to gasp for a sliver of air. He panted heavily, his chest heaving violently, rising and falling to collide rhythmically with Ethan’s chest. Their heartbeats seemed to synchronize, pounding as one. Julian’s eyes, swimming with unshed tears from the lack of oxygen, gazed up at the pitch-black night sky, a sky devoid of a single star. His mind was utterly lost, drifting helplessly in the hazy borderland between reason and overwhelming desire.

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