1. What do kids play when their mom is using the phone? Bored games.

2. What do you call an ant who fights crime? A vigilANTe!

3. Why are snails slow? Because they’re carrying a house on their back.

4. What’s the smartest insect? A spelling bee!

5. What does a storm cloud wear under his raincoat? Thunderwear.

6. What is fast, loud and crunchy? A rocket chip.

7. How does the ocean say hi? It waves!

8. What do you call a couple of chimpanzees sharing an Amazon account? PRIME-mates.

9. Why did the teddy bear say no to dessert? Because she was stuffed.

10. Why did the soccer player take so long to eat dinner? Because he thought he couldn’t use his hands.

11. Name the kind of tree you can hold in your hand? A palm tree!

12. What do birds give out on Halloween? Tweets.

13. What has ears but cannot hear? A cornfield.

14. What’s a cat’s favorite dessert? A bowl full of mice-cream.

15. Where did the music teacher leave her keys? In the piano!

16. What did the policeman say to his hungry stomach? “Freeze. You’re under a vest.”

17. What did the left eye say to the right eye? Between us, something smells!

18. What do you call a guy who’s really loud? Mike.

19. Why do birds fly south in the winter? It’s faster than walking!

20. What did the lava say to his girlfriend? “I lava you!”

21. Why did the student eat his homework? Because the teacher told him it was a piece of cake.

22. What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4k? HDMI.

23. Which superhero hits home runs? Batman!

24. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone? Snapchat.

25. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child? Sandy, obviously!

26. What is a room with no walls? A mushroom.

27. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school? For tweeting on a test!

28. What social event do spiders love to attend? Webbings.

29. What did one pickle say to the other? Dill with it.

30. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses? A coconut on vacation.

31. Why is a football stadium always cold? It has lots of fans!

32.  What did one math book say to the other? “I’ve got so many problems.”

33. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch? That hit the spot!

34. What do you call two bananas on the floor? Slippers.

35. Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide.

36. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails? To cover their buttquacks.

37. How does a vampire start a letter? “Tomb it may concern…”

38. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived? Married couples.

39. What kind of math do birds love? Owl-gebra!

pαпdα`noνɐ1`сoМ 40. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass? It could crack up.

41. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around? R2 detour.

42. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying? You rocket.

43. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize? Because she was outstanding in her field.

44. How do you know when a bike is thinking? You can see their wheels turning.

45. Why was 6 afraid of 7? Because 7,8,9.

46. What goes up and down but doesn’t move? The staircase.

47. What kind of shoes do frogs love? Open-toad!

48. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper? He sent her a pee-mail.

49. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school? Spelling.

50. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.

51. Why do ducks always pay with cash? Because they always have bills!

52. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity? Shocked!

53. When does a joke become a “dad” joke? When the punchline is a parent.

54. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for? Nothing, they were free of charge!

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55) A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, “Have you heard about the mad cow disease that’s going around?”

“Yeah,” the other cow says. “Makes me glad I’m a penguin.”

56) What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common? Same middle name.

57) I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. Apparently I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

58) What is the opposite of a croissant? A happy uncle.

59) If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring? Pilgrims.

60) Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.

61) Did you know you can actually listen to the blood in your veins? You just have to listen varicosely.

62) Though I enjoy the sport, I could never date a tennis player. Love means nothing to them.

63) I have a joke about time travel, but I’m not gonna share it. You guys didn’t like it.

64) What’s the opposite of irony? Wrinkly.

65) I was kidnapped by mimes once. They did unspeakable things to me.

66) I finally decided to sell my vacuum cleaner. All it was doing was gathering dust!

67) When you die, what part of the body dies last? The pupils…they dilate.

68) A friend of mine went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb. He just can’t part with it.

69) You know there’s no official training for trash collectors? They just pick things up as they go along.

70) I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events. I wonder how many people are in that field.

72) What do you call a woman who sets fire to all her bills? Bernadette.

73) Did you hear how the zombie bodybuilder hurt his back? He was dead-lifting.

74) I saw Usain Bolt sprinting around the track shouting, “Why did the chicken cross the road!?” It was a running joke.

75) Where does the General keep his armies? In his sleevies.

76) How does a squid go into battle? Well-armed.

77) What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.

78) Where do you find a cow with no legs? Right where you left it.

79) A bear walks into a restaurant. He tells his waiter, “I want a grilled…cheese.” The waiter says, “What’s with the pause?” “Whaddya mean?” the bear replies. “I’m a bear!

80) “What’s E.T. short for? Because he’s got little legs.

81) What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals? Phillipe Phillope.

82) Never criticize someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’ll be a mile away, and you’ll have their shoes.

83) Two men meet on opposite sides of a river.  One shouts to the other, “I need you to help me get to the other side!” The other guy replies, “You’re on the other side!

84) “What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

85) What did the mayonnaise say when the refrigerator door was opened? Close the door, I’m dressing.

86) “I stand corrected!” said the man in the orthopedic shoes.

87) I used to be addicted to soap. But I’m clean now.

88) Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for decades.

89) It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs. They always take things so literally.

90) What do you call it when Batman skips church? Christian Bale.

91) A guy goes to a pet store to buy a goldfish. The salesman asks him, “Do you want an aquarium?” The guy responds, “I don’t care what star sign it is!

92) “What do you call bears with no ears? B–

93) What’s a foot long and slippery? A slipper.

94) Exaggerations have become an epidemic. They went up by a million percent last year.

95) And God said to John, “Come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.” But John came fifth and won a toaster.

96) I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did. Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

97) What’s the difference between a golfer and a skydiver? A golfer goes *whack* “darn” and a skydiver goes “darn” *whack.*

98) They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they’re not laughing now! Wait…

99) I told my physical therapist that I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

101) You laughed and forgot there was no number 100, “hey, who said you could check!”

102) What did the swordfish say to the marlin? You’re looking sharp.

103) How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

104) Will glass coffins be a success? Remains to be seen.

105) I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.

106) Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.

107) “Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

108) What do you call a bee that can’t make up its mind? A maybe.

109) Hear about the new restaurant called Karma? There’s no menu—you get what you deserve.

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I’m really busy, I just wanted to do something so our win win don’t get affected, thanks guys for all the support so far.

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