The answer was no.

Fighting Deidara and Sasori was plain stupid. It was a complete retard move only a story protagonist would do because the author is forcing his shitty plot.

It was practically an IQ check!

Ren considered that he could loosely rank among the few living S-rank ninjas even if he didn’t officially have that rank plastered on his bingo book profile. He had honestly no idea where on that scale he would land, but he at least had enough tricks to compete on that level.

Still, facing two S-rank ninjas alone was dumb.

There is a reason why these two art-loving chucklefucks could just sit in a restaurant and leisurely eat their food while arguing about what is the real art, completely relaxed and not minding that everybody who recognized them quickly paled, stood up, and hightailed it out of the establishment.

Not even a squad full of Elite Jonin would have the balls to stand in the way of two S-rank ninjas who were clearly teamed up. Only idiots would challenge them.

It was the natural selection in practice.

Ren tilted his head and looked at his plate with a small frown, giving one more quick, subtle glance at the two Akatsuki members.

… But an opportunity was an opportunity.

He knew he shouldn’t. But he couldn’t help himself. This was an IQ check he would not be passing.

Even as he narrated reasons why this decision was absolutely moronic, deep down he knew he had already decided.

He finished his food and paid the bill before standing up and leaving the restaurant. Naturally, he would not confront the two there. He didn’t want to drag bystanders into that kind of conflict. In a battle between them, this little village might get leveled. Ren would rather not have that on his conscience.

He marked the chakra signatures of Deidara and Sasori on his detection seal and sat down in his room at the inn. His detection seal was a bastardized and improved version of what Konoha was using for their borders. It could notice chakra users for at least a kilometer.

Following the two from his room was no issue for Ren, even though it was in a completely different part of the village. The seal would also make tracking them without them knowing very simple.

Soon enough, the two chakra signatures left the restaurant and headed out of the village, and Ren was about to stand up in order to follow them when he paused in his tracks. His shoulders sagged as he donned a complicated expression. His mind ran a mile a minute, trying to come up with a good plan, slowly forming an idea.

He was going to do something dumb. But…

“I guess, there is no reason to double down on my stupidity. I can do the dumb thing in the smartest way possible.” He gently shook his head and chuckled as he unsealed a Durability Seal Tag that could make his clone capable of taking multiple hits, and his fingers made a cross-shaped seal.

…

“A bounty hunter?”

Ren’s clone saw Deidara deadpan at him and inwardly smiled. He deliberately waited until the two separated, tailing them for the better part of the last two days.

He was almost thinking he would need to improvise, but then Sasori finally left, probably going to do some nefarious Sasori things while Deidara continued on his own, presenting a neat opportunity for him.

Not even an hour had passed since the two ninjas separated, and here he was, ready for duty and some fun at the explosion nut’s expense.

Technically, the original who stayed behind in the village told him to alert him if such an opportunity presented itself, but there was no need!

He was the Lord of Mount Kumos! The Dick Ninja Extraordinaire! The Lover of women and the Envy of men! The Chaddest of Giga Chads! The One! And Only! BIGGUSSS! DICKUSSS! PRIIIIIIIMUUUUSSSSS!

He could handle the little bitch by himself!

He T-posed in front of Deidara, wearing black sunglasses, Samui’s Kumo headband, hair dyed black, and sporting clothes the original nicked from Sasuke’s bedroom in case he ever wanted to cosplay as an edgelord.

Ho rocked the white boy shorts and blue top. Especially with it being a size too small and nicely stretching over his MUSCLES.

Of course, he made sure to draw a penis with paint over the Uchiha symbol to better disguise it!

He also drew the Kumo symbol on the front of the blue shirt, choosing a pink permanent marker for it to make it nicely visible on the blue background.

It was a true masterpiece. An art! He definitely needed to return the shirt to Sasuke-shonen at some point.

“You may call me Big D-sama, scoundrel!” The clone, still T-posing, declared and grinned as Deidara’s right eye started twitching.

“Hah?” The man let out a completely confused noise.

But his hands were already buried deep in his clay pouches. D-sama knew he could have a bomb thrown at his face any moment now, so he needed to distract his opponent!

“I have a question! ABOUT ART!” He confidently shouted the last part, and just like he thought, it made Deidara pause.

The two looked at each other for a long, silent moment, Deidara probably contemplating the ridiculousness of this situation, but in the end, he forced a smile.

“Oh? Now that’s interesting. A fellow art enthusiast?” He slowly pulled his hands out of his pouches, covering the mounts on his plans, but D-sama was smart. He was sure the man was already molding his clay into bombs, ready to use them.

But in front of his Big Dick Energy, all was futile!

“Un, I can humor you before I show you the true art. Ask away.” Deidara seriously said, and there was an undeniable trace of interest in his expression.

“The true art…” D-sama started in a deep tone, leaning slightly forward, something Deidara imitated as his eyes subtly widened when he heard these words, “is a Dick Move!”

D-sama shouted, and Deidara, too caught in the anticipation, did not even get the time to properly register the words as the earth between his legs rapidly moved, shaping itself into a phallic object made of rock as it rammed straight into his crotch.

‘Hah! T-pose for the win!’ D-sama thought. Nobody expected a technique from a ninja whose hands are so far apart from each other.

With a loud gasp, Deidara’s eyes widened, and his expression twisted in immense pain. His body started to bend forward, and his knees grew weak…

But he wasn’t an S-rank ninja for nothing. His eyes were focused despite the pain, and his fists opened alongside the two mouths on his palms, ready to spit bombs.

Only D-sama didn’t wait. The second Deidara received the dick shot, D-sama moved. He instantly appeared in front of Deidara, and with a puff of smoke, two phallic objects made of metal popped into his hands from his storage seal.

“Dick Release: Hole Plugging Technique!” D-sama exclaimed, and before Deidara could spit the bombs out of his palm mouths, D-sama forcefully rammed the metallic phalluses straight into said mouths, plugging them shut and making Deidara’s arms jerk in pain while the man’s face contorted even further.

But D-sama was not done yet! His combo continued.

“Dick Release: Glow-a-dick!” He shouted, and streams of weak lightning coursed from his hands into the metal, directed straight into Deidara’s palm mouths, letting him experience the shock of his life.

He opened his mouth in a gasp of wordless pain while his body shuddered due to the streams of lightning, and the bombs in his palm mouths were also instantly defused.

But D-sama was relentless! He had to strike while his opponent was still hot! Er… he meant, while his opponent was still stunned!

“Dick Release: Dick-spitting technique!”

From his mouth, he spit a small ‘earth bullet’ in the shape of dick, straight into Deidara’s opened mouth, making him choke from bewilderment and pain as the tip of the dick from hardened earth hit the back of his throat.

PLUS ULTRA!

Satisfied with his performance, D-sama jumped back after performing one last silent, ‘Dick Release: Kick in da dick’ move on Deidara.

Five meters away from the suffering blonde man, D-sama put his hands on his hips and jutted his crotch forward as he exclaimed with a big grin, “Simply marvelous! This is the true art!”

Deidara almost crumbled onto the ground, but he managed to catch himself in time, and his battle instincts kicked in as he also jumped back to widen the distance between him and his opponent. He quickly pulled the ‘dicks’ out of his palm mouths, wincing in sheer agony as he felt them being stretched in a way they should not be.

He then stuck one of his hands into his clay pouch while his other hand removed the ‘dick’ from his mouth before he gave the Kumo bounty hunter a nasty glare full of hate… but also fear.

“I am going to kill you!” He screamed in a high-pitched, crackly voice due to his abused throat, and the bastard who, for some reason, was content to just wait and let him stabilize himself, simply grinned and gave him a thumbs-up.

“Hm. In that case, I will have to use my special move!” D-sama darkly stated, lowering his head in just the way to make his sunglasses glint with the reflected light.

Deidara took a step back before he even realized it, flushing in shame and pushing it down via sheer hatred coursing through him as he prepared to use his Ultimate Art.

Only exploding himself and everything in a several-kilometer radius could wash away the humiliation he had suffered!

“Dick Release-” D-sama menacingly spoke, and Deidara was about to grab a lot of his clay in order to shove it into his real mouth…

When D-sama suddenly turned on his heel and started running away, as Deidara heard a cheery, “Nigerundayo~!”, making him freeze in his place, about to take a bite of his fist full of clay as his mind blanked and he realized that his opponent had just… run away.

As if his strings were cut, Deidara fell to the ground and curled into a ball with a sob, still in disbelief at what had just happened to him.

How the hell was he still alive?

…

Several hundred kilometers away, the real Ren suddenly gained an influx of memories from his shadow clone, and he couldn’t help but burst into laughter.

He had no idea why some of his clones were so… eccentric.

But this time? He couldn’t complain. He instantly sent the mental image of the fight to the girls through the telepathy seal, sharing the amazing experience.

Chuckling, he shook his head in amusement.

His clone did not ram earthen dicks down Deidara’s various throats just for fun and giggles. No. Ren could clearly feel three new tracking and eavesdropping seals at the back of his mind. And he tried hard not to think about where they were located.

The upside?

He really doubted anybody would check Deidara’s throats for seals anytime soon.

Mission accomplished successfully.

Now he just needed to wait for Deidara to enter Amegakure.

—

Author Note:

If you wish to support me or read 21 advanced chapters ahead of time:

ko-fi.com/kasicair

or

patreon.com/kasicair

And if not, that’s totally fine. I hope you will enjoy the story.

Have a nice day.

Source: Webnovel.com, updated by NovelKeep