Chapter Twenty-Two – Lazy Pillow Talk

Chapter Twenty-Two – Lazy Pillow Talk

“Just because a Samurai has an impossibly powerful AI at their beck and call does not mean that the impossibly powerful AI is there to do the Samurai’s bidding.

They’re kind of smart enough to not care about little human issues.”

–Three Swipes, 2034

***

So, as it turned out, having whole new nerves made sexy-time with Lucy a whole lot more… intense than usual.

Which might have explained why I woke up to find Lucy sitting up against the top of the bed, looking impossibly smug even though her hair was a mess and her new fluffy pyjamas were stretched out. “Good morning,” Lucy said. “Or should I say ‘oh god oh god’ morning?”

“Stooooop,” I whined as I turned over and buried my face into Lucy’s stomach. The pyjamas really were sinfully soft. Maybe the new skin helped with that too, or the nerves. In either case, I never said no to the opportunity to rub up against Lucy.

“Do you have a long day planned today?” Lucy asked.

“No, I’m staying in bed all day,” I said. “And tomorrow too, and the day after. In fact, I’m just not leaving.”

I can see that quickly growing unsanitary.

“Shush, Myalis, you’re a key part of this plan,” I said.

Lucy giggled, which made her abs bounce. Her hand alighted on my head and she started to comb her fingers through my hair. “I don’t think we can stay in bed forever. What will we do for food?”

“Order out,” I said. “It’s easy. The kittens can carry it to us.”

Lucy hummed. “Okay, and exercise? We’re going to grow all weak if we stay in bed all day.”

I turned my head so that I could meet her eyes. “I can think of one or two ways to do cardio in bed,” I murmured.

Lucy laughed and poked my cheek. “Silly. What about the washroom?”

I groaned. “Diapers?”

“Ew, Cat, that’s gross,” Lucy said.

I’m assuming some elaborate system of catheters and a cocktail of medication is unfavourable?

“Oh, no, that’s… Myalis, you’re ruining my plans,” I said as I spun over. Now my head was on Lucy’s lap. The bed was so big that my feet weren’t even over the edge even though I was parallel to Lucy on it.

Good. I don’t want a lazy Vanguard.

“Is Myalis being a bully?” Lucy asked.

Tell her the truth.

“Yes,” I said. “She doesn’t want me to spend the rest of my life in bed, Lucy. She doesn’t love me the way you do.”

“I don’t know, I think I’m okay with you not spending your life in bed too,” Lucy said.

I gasped and pressed a hand over my heart. “Lucy, no,” I said. “I wouldn’t be alone. You’d be in bed with me forever too!”

“But I have to pee,” Lucy whined.

“Nope! No leaving, you’re stuck here forever. I said so, and I’m bigger and stronger and I know all of the spots where you’re ticklish.” I wiggled my fingers and Lucy gasped at the betrayal. Suffice to say, it took another hour before we got out of bed, and it really only happened because Lucy was cry-laughing and had to run to the washroom.

I checked the time on my augs as I sat on the edge of our bed. “So, what’s on the agenda for today?” I asked.

This might surprise you to learn, but I’m not actually your secretary.

“Urgh, I know. I should buy like, some secretary software or something.”

I could get you something like that. The Scheduling Software catalogue is a mere fifty points, and the most basic software package is relatively inexpensive.

I flopped backwards onto the bed so that I was staring at the ceiling again. “Why is that even a thing?” I asked.

Because it might be useful? Logistics are important.

“I guess. I meant more… like, there’s catalogues for all sorts of things, right? But aren’t most of them for killing aliens and keeping people alive?”

Of course not. Those are merely the catalogues most frequently purchased and used by Vanguard, which only makes sense seeing as how the average Vanguard spends a statistically important amount of time in and around combat. The actual marketplace contains trillions of non-combat related items. From home goods to foods to comfort items.

“So do, like, the average citizens of elsewhere have the same access I have?” I asked.

If you stumble upon this narrative on Amazon, be aware that it has been stolen from Royal Road. Please report it.

No. That would be irresponsible.

Well, that was something. I flexed and sat up again, then finally stood. It was ten minutes to noon, which meant that if I didn’t get up and moving now I wouldn’t be able to claim to have started my day in the morning.

“Alrighty,” I said. “Breakfast, while it’s still technically time for that, then… shit, I have a lot to do today, don’t I?” I wasn’t sure where to start. Checking up on the newbies was somewhere on the list, but they didn’t need me to mother them, and I’d be going back to Saint-Jrome tomorrow. I was sure they could manage to burn the place down while I wasn’t there to keep an eye on them, but I doubted it. Tankette and Hedgehog were too responsible.

So, more local problems, then. The sewers needed checking up on, the Family needed to be poked at to make sure they weren’t fucking up, and my prosthetics clinic a floor down had to be looked into.

Yeah, that all made some sense, but probably not in that order.

Clinic first, since it was an elevator ride away and I could check up on it relatively quickly. It’d be one thing off the list right away.

“Ah, fuck, I need to look into Racoon too,” I muttered.

She’s in the building now.

I blinked, then tapped into my augs. Myalis, being somewhat helpful for a non-secretary, pulled up Racoon’s location which was in the armoury next to the matter reconfiguration machine. She was glaring at a heap of fuzzy pyjamas and stacking them off to the side.

Alright, new plan!

But first, food. Lucy was already cooking things in the kitchen, humming a happy little tune and shaking her hips from side to side while pre-made omelette mix fried and popped in a pan on the stove. I watched her hips swaying, and the little tail on her pyjamas bounced from side to side for a while before I came up behind her and gave her a hug. “Hungry,” I said.

“You are so whiny today,” she said as she tilted her head back to give me a kiss.

“I’m suffering from success,” I said. “It’s unbelievably hard.”

“I bet,” she said. “Now scooch, and grab a plate, this is almost done.”

I grabbed a bowl instead, the superior food receptacle, and gladly accepted the omelette Lucy rolled into the bowl. I poured an unhealthy amount of ketchup on top of it all before digging in.

“Plans for the day?” Lucy asked. She sat across from me and I was momentarily distracted by the zipper on the front of her pyjamas being very open.

“Yeah, a few things to look into. The clinic downstairs, the sewer situation. Shit that needs to be watched before it falls apart.”

“Oh, don’t forget the imminent end of the world,” Lucy said. “With that Phobos rock.”

“Oh yeah, that too,” I agreed. I hoped that someone had come up with a plan for that already. It kind of felt like it was big enough that it was a problem way out of my jurisdiction. I finished shovelling food into my mouth, then wiped my face clean. “I’m gonna get dressed,” I said. “Then… I think I might bully Racoon into coming with? That girl needs a good influence in her life.”

“And that’s you?” Lucy asked teasingly.

“I came out alright.” I said with a grin.

Of course, as I went to get dressed, I discovered the skinsuit I’d left in the bathroom, still full of… me. That wasn’t going to cut it. Sure, I could clean it, but nothing short of Delilah going at it with her flamethrower would leave that clean enough for me.

“Hey, I bought a blueprint for skintight armour, right?” I asked.

You did. Specifically for Racoon to armour herself.

Right. There’d been some vague plan to make okay-enough armour available for anyone that might need it. “Well, might as well check in on that printer after all. I don’t think I ever had to use it myself, now that I think about it.”

Rac was still in the printer room when I came in. She blinked and stared at me, then nodded. “Hi,” she said.

“Hey,” I replied. “I need a new set of armour. Are you using the machine?”

“I’m… not? I was going to make bullets, but that can wait. Are you just wearing a t-shirt?”

“I slept in it,” I said.

“It’s past noon.”

“I had a long night?”

Maybe convincing Rac that I was put-together enough to serve as a good influence was going to be harder than I had initially expected.

***

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