Chapter 96: That Is Your True And Most Hidden Desire

[Ah, you’re out of ideas? Well, I’ll tell you what the problem is. Let’s start with this… what if this were to happen all of a sudden]

Click!

With a snap of his fingers, suddenly my perspective changed. I felt the same as when I used the Doppelgänger, and within the new perspective, I could see myself, or rather, me being Chris, an image that I strongly engraved in my head to use as my new identity.

[Now that you can freely switch bodies, you could easily go back to who you were before, but you didn’t. You’re just running away, aren’t you?, or am I wrong?]

Now that I am inside the mirror and in Adrian’s body, I began to feel more oppressed and his words began to resonate with me more than before.

“ugh…,haah, what is this?...haah…ahh”

My body felt heavy and uncomfortable and my breathing started to become erratic, I honestly felt like I was suffocating in this body, just being here.

[Do you see what this is? Big, manly Chris is panicking, do you feel bad about looking the way you do, a look that reflects your inner self, huh? A neglected inner self with no connection to the world.

You didn’t even think about your parents when you died. The first thing that crossed your stupid head—wait, no, it wasn’t even your head thinking. It was the one down there. You let your crotch do the thinking, provoked the goddess’s wrath, and ruined everything.. Still, the punishment was light, wasn’t it? ]

Every word, every thing he said, penetrated deeper into me and I felt a hole open up in my chest. I couldn’t refute it.

I didn’t even realize at what point, but now I was back in the center again, being Chris, but still, the tightness and weakness did not ease.

Adrian continued speaking

[You are doing the same thing. You haven’t changed. You’re just doing it in a different way. In the end, you’re just running away from reality. You haven’t changed.

For you, this world and its people are nothing more than a beautiful, realistic, convenient escape.

You now have a world where you can do whatever you want. For you, the girls and the connections you made are not real, they are just… how shall we say… how would you say? how shall we say, how would you say, getting a super rare character in your favorite video game, right? ]

“Stop! ahh… hahh..it’s not like that…”

[Are you out of breath? That’s all you can say? Come on, say something too, old lady. Why are you leaving all the work to me?]

[[ahhhh… you know, I don’t even want to waste my time… it’s just not worth it… Didn’t I warn you? What’s your name now? Christian Leonhart, right? Heh, that’s funny. You know, there was a time when I used to call myself that… Oh, don’t tell me you copied that name without knowing why? Haaa… just disappointing. I’ll tell you what I already told you {this world is not a game you use to escape reality}]]

“Shut up! I don’t see this world as a game! Aaargghh! Shit!”

[Oh, are you angry? Are you? Hahahaha. What can you do? A pathetic guy like you, what can he do now? No strength? just a beautiful appearance, Nothing true? What can you do, huh?]

He kept provoking me. I wanted to go hit him, but I couldn’t move and the feeling of suffocation, weakness and oppression only increased. And These guys were saying whatever they wanted.

[you want to use those powers you now have, right, but you can’t, now without them again you’re nothing…. Tell me, what do you really fight for, what is it that you want, what is it that drives you? Lust, right? ALL A SCUM LIKE YOU WANTS IS TO LIVE IN YOUR FANTASIES, LOOKING WORTHY OF ALL THOSE PRETTY GIRLS, WHOM YOU’VE SIMPLY CHEATED ]

“Shut up!!!….ah…ahh.”

[Oh, what’s this, are you angry, does it hurt to be told? I’ll say it again: you are a disgusting, repulsive being who loves only yourself. You live as you please and can’t truly relate to anyone. Your empathy sucks and you can never reciprocate the feelings you created in them. You are repulsive]

“don’t say…”

[It’s completely true. For you, this world is just a fantasy. Do you know what it’s like to truly love someone? Or do you only do it because now you have the power to possess what you never had in your previous life?]

-I told you to shut up! I… I…

[I what? You can’t even say it. You don’t deserve to have a harem. You don’t deserve to have a single one of them and you gloat, wanting to add more for a childish and disgusting dream, where’s the limit? You are not satisfied with what you have and just want more, without any real motivation. Tell me, what is that if not repulsive]?

“I just… I just want…”

[You don’t want anything….. It’s much better for you that this world is a dream, isn’t it? Then you can do whatever you want, fooling yourself. You’ve spent three years in this world and you haven’t changed at all].

“I haven’t… I… I have changed. ”

[Keep telling yourself that, keep repeating your lies. But at the end of the day, you know you’re the same coward, the same pathetic being who never accomplished anything. Only now… you have a nicer disguise.

What have you done to deserve this new life? What makes you special? Nothing]

I felt like my body was trapped in an invisible pressure.

Every word of reflection was like a hand squeezing my chest until I could barely breathe.

The air was getting thicker, my legs were shaking and a feeling of suffocation was beginning to take hold of me.

“Shut up!!

…ahhh,…hh!” I tried to raise my voice, but it was useless.

[You can’t shut me up because I am you. And everything I say is what you really think. You’re an impostor, a fraud. You have never been worthy and you never will be.]

The words echoed like an endless echo. My chest shrank and, for a moment, I thought I couldn’t even breathe. It was as if each insult I uttered pierced something deeper.

The reflection leaned forward, its grotesque face distorted into a grimace of disgust. Sweat ran down my forehead, my legs trembled. I was losing control.

“I to-told …you to shut u-up!” I finally shouted, with all the strength I could muster, but my voice sounded broken and desperate.

[What are you going to do, hit me? You can’t. You can’t run away from yourself. Look at you, you can’t even look me in the eye without feeling that disgust you’re trying to hide].

My breathing was erratic. Every word made me weak. My mind was a whirlwind of confused thoughts, trying to cling to something, anything I could use to get out of this nightmare.

But all I found were the same painful truths I was trying to avoid.

[You know it’s true. And there’s nothing you can do to change it. You have nothing. Not a single thing that isn’t repulsive. Everything you are, everything you’ve ever done, is a lie].

“Shut your mouth!”

[See, that’s your only answer…. You can’t face me because you know there’s nothing inside you that’s worthwhile. You’re just an empty shell, trying to cling to an illusion. This world, these people, mean nothing to you].

“That’s not true…”

[It’s completely true. And you know it. Because if you really cared about them, if you really felt anything for them, you wouldn’t be here, trying to justify the unjustifiable. You’re still running away, hiding behind that hero mask you created].

My heart was pounding, my hands were sweating. The echo of his words bounced around in my mind, finding no response.

I didn’t want to believe his words were true.

[In the end, you will always be the same: AN INSIGNIFICANT AND WORTHLESS BEING. NO MATTER HOW MANY TIMES YOU TRY TO CONVINCE YOURSELF OTHERWISE].

“~Stop it! “I cried out in desperation, holding my hands to my face, trying to push the mirror image out of my head, but it wasn’t working.

My body felt heavy and the oppressive atmosphere was crushing me.

I didn’t know what to do anymore. Tears were even forming on my face as I stared at the mirror.

[You know… give it up. You know it’s a way to run away ….]

“n-no”

[hahhh~…, well whatever, you look like you’re going to keep denying everything…, well on the other hand, you know it right? that it’s a chance, to do ’it’… what we always wanted, what you, me, him, we all always wanted,]

He suddenly began to speak more calmly, but his words only made my body tremble, like never before.

“stop…th-that’s not…”

[Yes, you know… our true wish, our deepest and most intimate wish. A simple wish and not difficult to achieve, haah~… but still we never managed to fulfill it, a wish you made every day before you went to close your eyes, a true “I just want to Rest”].

“…” I couldn’t say anything.

[We were tired…We reached a limit a long time ago, we were just living for the sake of living, we were just hanging on because we were too cowardly to end it all, right? you just wanted it all to end, silently, and you just wished there’d be no tomorrow.].

“I-it’s a li-li-lie!”

[DON’T DENY IT!!!!.… What now seems like a new opportunity, is nothing more than the prologue of our suffering….so, do it….Just rest, disconnect from everything.

Let the ’nothingness’ consume you and simply become nothing too, no reincarnations, no returns in time, no invocation to another world without heaven or hell… nothing.…solo alfin end this continuous suffering. Isn’t that our greatest and most sincere wish? Just close your eyes and just take your desired rest, our soul longs for it… end the suffering… with our existence].

“….”

[Erase our existence, our existence that was never necessary for anyone].

My mind was confused, speechless. What he was saying was true, and I didn’t see why I should continue to resist.

It’s true, I’m just tired. I didn’t want to listen to anything anymore, I didn’t want to see those hateful reflections anymore. At some point in my life, my soul simply got tired of existing.

I closed my eyes and let myself be slowly swallowed by nothingness. In the end, no one will care, no one will miss me, no one will cry for me.

Who would cry for someone like me? If I think about it, I don’t know anyone who has.

My life never made sense. The days were an endless repetition, a normalized monotony.

I lived escaping, spending the whole day imagining I was the character beyond the screen. But at the end of the day, in the silent hours of the early morning, I would simply fall asleep, because my body and mind couldn’t take it anymore. That was the only way.

I simply wished there was no tomorrow.

And the same desire was repeated unconsciously, I really wanted to rest and never wake up, to stop thinking about everything, forever, that tomorrow would not exist.

It’s true… I’ve been broken for a long time. I have no self-preservation motivation.

Who would want to waste their time with someone like me? I always said that having friends was a hassle, a waste of time, that it just didn’t go with me.

But in the end, I just ran away because I was afraid to socialize. I preferred to be alone, without any connection to others, or so I told myself.

In the end, I simply died alone and lonely. They would probably only find my body when it was already rotten.

Maybe… simply disappearing would be best. A rest, an end of no return. No one would cry. No one would notice.

I will finally rest

…

..

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