Chapter 55: Chapter 54: Retcon And Game Patch

Carl felt himself freeze as the realm gate crackled into existence, his body tensed in anticipation of what would happen next, then he heard the voice he’d hoped to never hear again.

“Well, well, well… Come to talk about my game? Sounds grand indeed, no one thought to give me a review up to now. Come on in, I don’t like your realm much, wait, no, it doesn’t like me I mean.”

Carl stepped fought every instinct telling him to run and took the three steps necessary before he collided with the ground the other side of the portal, which quickly close behind him.

“Oof! Sorry wee chick that landing gets a one and even that’s generous.” The man’s voice appeared before he did, simply appearing like a glitchy character that hadn’t rendered until the dialogue started.

“I agree…” Carl stood, looking around the strange realm that looked like a graveyard of objects, maps and textures that never made it to the final release. Just looking at it made him feel sick and dizzy, like his mind couldn’t comprehend the information being forced into it.

“Ha! Agree! Like it was a an object of discussion and not a simple stating of facts. Now, the game, you said you wanted to talk about it and I can see your suffering little boy-chick, so I’ll give you a penny for your thoughts and you can be on your way.”

Carl thought about everything, good, bad and what feel somewhere between. Then with the same sigh he usually gave Gillian before telling him the idea he was so excited about was stupid. “Your game sucks.”

The world practically caught fire around him. “Everyone’s a critic, every insignificant little creature thinks they can do better.” It was the first time Carl had heard the main speak so normally, a tone which in this world of madness was undeniably hostile.

“Sorry, it does, it’s not like I came here just to complain though. I believe criticism should always be construnctive, I’d be happy to explain.”

“Oh my! Mr. Self-superior doth wishes to grace me with his infallible opinion! Why not? You came all this way, I guess I can let you talk whilst you still have a tongue.” The man stormed off ahead of Carl, who followed absolutely certain he would not be leaving. “…Tell me boy-chick, you seem awfully sad for some reason. Could it be you truly mourn my masterpiece?”

“No, I’m just sad I’ll never see her again, sad I made her so sad…. I just wish we’d been born back before humans used up all their second chances.”

“Ha! He says that whilst spitting in the face of the last one to give him a second chance! The gall of the boy!”

When the figure stopped, it wasn’t at some grand castle, but a wooden shack that was quite literally falling apart.

Inside was practically empty, the only contents it held was a fire beneath a wooden chimney and two small stalls, which sat either side of it.

“Fir-”

“Sit before you start talking, the fire will give me something to shut you up with. Not that I need a fire, it’s like you aren’t even trying to use that incredible system that sneakly little woman made you. Fifteen years and nothing! A system so marvellous I tipped my hat to her corpse!”

Carl tensed, the idea of someone talking about wife in that way repulsed him and he had to settle his stomach after taking his seat before continuing . “First, thank you for bringing Klaire back after the wyvern and for sparing her in Faylorn.”

“Oh sure! Now he has manners…” After grumbling incoherently for a while, he returned his attention to matters at hand. ” So, why does my game, my masterpiece “suck”? I look forward to telling you why you’re wrong.”

“Well for starters, I don’t know what you mean by fifteen years, I got my system at ten and I’m eighteen. So maybe it’s actually just meant for a different target audience but I messed up and started playing seven years early.”

The man’s eyes narrowed in a way that made Carl entirely unable to tell whether he was simply moving his eyebrows or if his eyes were actually shifting beneath the sockets. His eyes suddenly turning fiery and dangerous weren’t enough to make Carl Err anymore.

“Eighteen!?” The sudden exclamation made Carl flinch more out surprise than fear. “You expect me to believe at eighteen, you came so far, had the stones to marry a ya wee chick and and have ya two weird babies?” He growled, the accusatory tone taking Carl by surprise.

“Sorry, do you really not know how old I am? I was under the impression you knew everything?”

“I do! or should…. Boy-chick! Tell me now, if you’re only eighteen then what were ya doing fighting a wyvern there of all places? What were you doing there before fighting a wyvern? Surely it can’t happen twice and you were going there to propose were you not and now your married! HA! Got you! sneaky little liar!”

“I’m not lying… I heard Faylorna can look at souls to gleam memories, your welcome to rip mine out and peek.”

“Ha! You think me newbie do ye! I don’t need to rip out souls to see memories. I have my own ways…”

As he finished speaking, the fire between the went out of its own accord and the man reached through and grabbed either side of his head, then slowly dragged him closer until Carl found himself kneeling before the man who was using his rubbing his head like a crystal ball and mumbling to himself.

“Oh my! What not on Earth has happened! This is all wrong! You were supposed to have fifteen years to grow out o’ yer nappies… Who the hell went and made a mockery of my precious game… No wonder I’ve had so many corrections to make.”

“I take it something went wrong.” Carl stated carefully, all too aware his head could like be squashed like a grape.

“Wrong? Wrong!? Lots of things went wrong little boy-chick! This is catastrophic! The game I made no longer exists, seems someone went and dabbled in things that shouldn’t be dabbled in. If I had to guess, it was me, I do tend to dabble, but what dabbling did this?”

“What sort of issue exactly?”

“What do you think! Time! Time, my boy-chick…”

“Any chance it was caused when I got sent to this time? Apparently Mobius sent me hurling through a time maelstrom.”

“Do you really think I hadn’t considered that!? I hadn’t, so good job. anyway what’s done is done and can’t be undone, especially with Mobius and Cronus both playing their parts so well… It would be rude to interrupt.”

“Okay, so nothings changing, figured.”

“Don’t be such a hasty little boy-chick. The game was glitchy it seems and like any good game director, I’ll make it right, so…. Name your wish and I shall patch it in, but obviously we can’t end the game, I didn’t do all this for nothing after all!”

“Wish? Can you just let me and my family not be a part of it?”

“HAHAHA! Of course not! Your the hero boy-chick! Im the final boss! If you really hate I suppose I could kill you all right now and have done…. Wait, no I can’t the games already getting bad reviews, the fans will lose their minds if it ends so soon!”

“Okay, can we put a hold on it? Give me those seven years?”

“Love to, but no.If I gave you seven years with how far you come in a quarter, you may as be playing new game plus and that will be no fun at all, my life is on the line here! Least you could do is give me a fighting chance HAHA!”

“Okay…. How about this…. I ask for a rest spot, a place where the bad guys can’t go no matter how powerful… Before you say I will just hide there indefinitely, make it so that I can’t spend more than a weak there conscious, but if I’m injured or sick and my allies get me back there, I can recover. My allies can use it as much as they want though.”

“Hmmm!?” He somehow managed to shout the thoughtfully elongated syllable, then muttered gibberish to himself as Carl tried not to stare at him. The fear that seemed so natural now felt more like pitty.

“while you think, would you like my review?”

“Why not!? If I kill you, I won’t need to think about, will I?”

“The game was clearly broken, you made it impossible to even figure out what the point was, without the end boss, I mean you, appeapearing.”

“The end boss appearing several times is a cornerstone of games! It’s how you know what he’s all about! How can you hate someone you never met? The best final bosses are as tragic as they are terrifying, aren’t they?”

“Yes, but honestly, you don’t come off as tragic at all. You appeared, you were terrifying and unpredictable, shallow but still good villain stuff. The problem is that we can’t see you as tragic because everyone is too scared to talk about you. You have no background, you have no lore to learn. You killed my creator, Ishtar, well sorry to sound harsh but I didn’t know her.”

The elongated “Hmm” noise made a return and the man’s eyes began to shift in their sockets again.

“Honestly, if you weren’t just waiting for people to talk about you so you could jump out, that first sighting was so impactful it could have carried the game, but now it’s wasted.”

“I see your point as much as It pains me to see the flaw brought to light. Maybe a retcon is in order! Tell you what, as thanks for the honest review, you can have the safe place. I’m going to patch the system, when it’s done, my ears will no longer hear my name and my eyes will no longer see the hero’s journey. THIS SOUNDS BETTER ALREADY!”

“Yeah, sure does… So, do I just go?”

“Oh heavens no! I’m gonna rough you up a bit and send you back, knowing that grandmother of yours, she will kill you herself for being stupid enough to come here. So, I propose this, it stays a little secret.”

“You came, we fought, you left me blind and deaf! Oh woe is me! But…. I had a trick up my sleeve, always do. I appeared and broke your legs mid victory dance, a dig in the shins mid shindig so to speak. Then you hit me with a new spell you made just for this moment, one called…. “Go Away!”, you aren’t very good with names, they’ll buy that one. That is what gave you the ability to mark one location as safe from me and my minions.”

“Okay… So do y-” As Carl spoke his limbs twisted at every joint and he filled the air with his screams and groans, as the man applauded the agonised display, he leant down.

“Truly a magnificent performance!…” He then knelt down to add “Remember, mums the word.” befor tapping his nose two times and then opening a portal and launching Carl through it. “MY EYES! MY EARS! WHAT DID YOU DO TO ME!” He shouted the final line as the portal crackled closed.

As Carl was sent flying through the portal, he crashed into the shadowy table where the others were chatting, the sound of his ribs breaking joined his screams as everyone either rushed to help him or took a defensive position.

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