Chapter 25: Made violent

I did the best I could, in the end.

At least, that’s what I kept telling myself.

Warm water poured over my head, threading through my hair and streaming down my spine, but it did nothing to wash the weight off my chest. I stood there with my eyes shut, forehead pressed lightly to the tile, letting the steam thicken until the world felt distant—muted, unreal.

But my thoughts wouldn’t quiet.

“Fucking die— damn you… please…”

The words crawled back into my skull like a curse I couldn’t break. I saw it again— felt it again. My knuckles tightened until my nails bit into my palms, my jaw locking.

I had killed someone.

Not in theory. Not indirectly.

I’d felt his body against mine, the moment his resistance faded. Felt the warmth drain out of him in real time, like something precious leaking away. His blood had soaked into my hands, sticky and undeniable, and no matter how long I stood there now, it still felt like it was there— under my nails, in the creases of my skin.

I’d probably been in the shower for over an hour.

Time blurred. Minutes stretched. Some moments I tried to justify it— told myself I had no choice, that it was him or us, that this was the world we lived in now.

Other moments, I tore myself apart so thoroughly it felt like my spirit was bruising from the inside.

They never should’ve made me the leader.

Not of that mess. Not of anyone.

It didn’t feel heroic. It felt like carrying a blade and being told when to use it. Every decision carved something out of me and I had only made 2.

We managed to regroup— escaping the carnage that was Hyde park. We drove back to base under a sky that didn’t care what we’d done beneath it.

In the backseat, Lila’s hand found mine.

It wasn’t dramatic. She didn’t look at me. Just her fingers curling around mine like it was the most natural thing in the world. I didn’t pull away.

What would’ve been the point?

I couldn’t judge her anymore. Couldn’t separate myself from her sins— say I was better.

I was like her now.

The water kept running.

Then— there was movement.

A soft shuffle beyond the curtain. Fabric hitting the floor. I didn’t turn. Didn’t need to.

The silhouette of an hourglass body was enough.

Their footsteps towards me were wet. Slow. Careful.

Until a warm, bare chest pressed against my back.

Familiar.

Lila’s arms wrapped around me, firm but gentle, her forehead resting between my shoulders. She kissed my back once.

Then again. Soft. Grounding.

I melted into her without thinking, my shoulders finally sagging under the weight I’d been carrying all night.

“You did the best you could, Adrian,” she whispered.

The words didn’t erase anything.

But they loosened something tight and painful in my chest.

I exhaled shakily. She hesitated at that, almost pulling away.

I turned slowly to face her.

My sweet Lila.

Water dripped from her dirty blonde hair, traced the line of her jaw, clung to her lashes. She was…beautiful. Really beautiful. In that moment, atleast. Striking in a way that felt dangerous. The stress, the blood, the chaos… it had almost made me forget that.

I reached up, brushing a wet strand of hair away from her cheek. She reacted instantly, like she always did— ears turning red, breath hitching just slightly.

She watched me like I might disappear if she blinked.

Where did I even go wrong with her?

In that moment, clarity hit me.

She had been trying to survive in this cruel world the same way I was, wasn’t she?

Scraping through every day, making impossible choices, doing what had to be done to stay alive. From the moment we left Englewood, from the instant she had gone feral toward Sheldon, every time she acted “crazy” or reckless, it wasn’t madness— it was survival. A shield.

And I treated her like she wasn’t human because of it. Scorned her.

“Lila, I’m—…”

A hand rose slowly, caressing mine— the one that was on her cheek. She leaned into my touch, a smile blooming on her face.

“I will always love you, Adrian. No matter what. I’ll walk through fire for you.”

Her hands lingered at mine, fingers brushing, grounding me. I caught my breath as she pressed closer, warmth radiating from her chest. The world shrank to just us— relief, fear, something unspoken. I didn’t know if it was desire or comfort.

Then she moved again. I followed.

Our lips met—soft, slow. Then it broke.

Lila looked as if she was about to say something—

Before we kissed again. Her hands tangled in my hair like they always did as she exhaled through her nose.

I didn’t know what I was doing, where this was going, but It felt right.

It always felt right with Lila.

Her hands guided mine to her waist. I barely hesitated.

In a single motion, she jumped— wrapping her legs around me.

I caught her, holding her close as the water ran around us, washing the world away, toes curled as my grip on her thighs grew vice.

Outside, the full moon hung low, cold and indifferent, casting silvery light across the deserted base. Shadows stretched long across the cracked pavement, the kind that made every corner feel alive. Almost everyone had gone to bed— almost.

A faint orange glow flickered in the darkness. The tip of a cigarette pulsed like a heartbeat.

A figure stirred. Blindfolded, strapped to a chair, she tilted her head, inhaling deeply, and then a slow, knowing smile crept across her lips.

“That you, Adrian?” Her voice was soft and teasing. “Never pegged you for the smoking type.”

She cooed.

“Come to continue what we did in that Land Rover?”

Silence fell, thick as the night air.

“I prefer to fuck without blindfolds, though,” she added, a smirk in her tone.

“I like the control.”

The ember of the cigarette hissed as it pressed against her thigh. She screamed. A sharp, piercing sound that cut through the stillness.

“What the fuck did you do in my Land Rover, you blonde bimbo brat?”

Aubrey twisted the cigarette in her fingers, deliberate, almost casual. Upon recognizing the voice, the blonde’s screams twisted, warping into uneasy laughter.

Terri folded her arms, brow furrowed, her stomach twisting at the sight.

“Oh, me and Adrian? I don’t kiss and tell, but just know it was so intense your hunk of junk crashed from the momentum.”

Aubrey’s eyes narrowed, her knuckles turning white as the blonde woman continued to laugh like a maniac.

She knew for certain that whatever she was implying was likely a blatant lie— but it still pressed against her nerves.

That’s exactly what the blonde woman wanted.

“Can I go to bed now, please…?”

Terri whispered to Aubrey as the woman’s laughs filled the night.

She didn’t answer.

Suddenly, the woman slammed her palm against the headrest of the chair. The motion was sharp, violent— startling the blonde. Her eyes went cold, lethal.

“You’re gonna talk.”

The blonde gave a faint smile through her blindfold.

“Why’s the crucible so infatuated with Adrian?”

she demanded, voice low, controlled, but heavy with venom.

“Why go through all this trouble for him? Setting us up? Kidnapping us? Pretending you were a damn hitchhiker? Answer me.”

There was silence.

“Or would you rather get water boarded?”

The blonde’s smile faltered.

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