Chapter 106: Chapter One Hundred and Five – Renn – To Hate What You Love

Opening the door, I waved at Vim in the distance. He turned to look at me and stood up off the stump with… strange quickness, for him. Yet by the time he started walking towards the house, he had returned to his naturally calm pace.

Holding the door open for him, I smiled and nodded once he reached the house. He nodded back, and as he stepped into the house he reached over to pat me on the shoulder before heading to the stairs.

His hand left my shoulder warm, and the other cold as I closed the door behind him.

Watching him head for the stairwell, as to go speak to Nebl who was finally alone… I wondered just how long he would have waited. Glancing to a nearby window, I saw the half hidden moon… and not a cloud in the sky.

It was the middle of the night, probably midnight.

They had a clock here, but it was in the front room. Where right now Lellip and her father were talking. Although they didn’t seem bothered by my presence… I really didn’t want to disturb them. Some of the conversations they had been having the last few days had been rather heavy. Too heavy for me to feel comfortable listening into.

They were father and daughter, after all.

Vim made barely any noise as he walked up the stairs to Nebl’s room. Once he was out of sight I turned and headed back to the kitchen. Pram had gone to bed a few hours ago, and I was occupying myself by cleaning up from our dinner… or rather mostly Nebl’s.

The man had eaten nearly a whole pantry.

Not a surprise, but it had been worrying. I’d have warned them otherwise, since usually eating so much so quickly after going so long without was dangerous… but not even Vim seemed to worry over it. Maybe our kind didn’t suffer like humans did during such events.

He did seem a lot better. He had even asked to get up and walk around the property. He had done so, using Drandle’s shoulder as a crutch… but had only walked around for a few minutes. He hadn’t even circled the whole property, nor had gone near the smithy… which had surprised Lellip a little.

She had thought he’d be in there swinging hammers before doing anything else.

The large kitchen had three big tables in the center of it. The walls were covered in shelves, or ovens, and in one corner was a large metal tub looking sink. It was perfect for washing and cleaning large amounts of plates and pans at once, which was another hint that at one time… there had been many people here. Or maybe it was simply that Nebl might eat in such volumes often.

It had seemed that he was more like me than his children, which was a little surprising. I wasn’t as old as him, by the sounds of it, yet…

Yet…

Returning to washing some plates, I wondered why I was so different than most our members. And not just because of my ears and tail.

I’d ask Vim later if it was just happenstance or if there was a meaning behind it.

“Still cleaning Renn?”

Turning around, I found Drandle giving me a soft smile. He was taller than me, about Vim’s height… but he was a little scrawny. His shoulders weren’t very wide, but he had long arms. “There’s only a little left,” I said.

He nodded and glanced behind him, to what sounded like Lellip. Sure enough she appeared from behind him, smiling at me. “She’s like me, can’t sit still!” she said proudly.

I smiled back and nodded, even if it wasn’t entirely true.

After all I had spent years just… sitting and watching Nory as she cooked and cleaned. If I had done it all the time she would have gotten upset with me. It had made her feel useless to have nothing to do. There had been times where I’d go months without cooking, although it was usually I that caught and cleaned what I hunted.

“Well I am going to sleep while I still can. Goodnight dear, goodnight Renn,” Drandle said as he turned and headed back into the hallway. His and Pram’s room was on the first floor, near the front entrance for some reason.

“Night dad,” Lellip entered the kitchen and hurried up to me as I put a clean plate into the section of the sink that was for soaking.

“I really am almost done,” I said to her. She peered into the section of the tub that was left and nodded. It was true, there was only three plates and a couple pots left.

“Thanks Renn,” she said kindly.

“Mhm…”

“Think Grandpa is sleeping?” she asked.

“Vim went to tell him to sleep, so probably,” I said, careful with my words.

“Oh…? Oh… I’ll let him be then,” she sounded odd as she nodded.

For a long… strangely quiet moment, Lellip watched as I cleaned the last few plates. Her staring was a little uncomfortable… since not only did she usually try to help, no matter how minuscule the task… she also usually spoke a lot and rarely was as quiet as she was now for long.

The only time she went so long without talking was when she was focused on a task, working. Usually when she was designing things into metal.

About to say something, something silly and light to make her smile, I froze as she stepped forward and wrapped me in a hug.

Her arms slithered around my waist, and I felt my tail go still as she hugged me close. I still held a plate, so I had to carefully put it back into the sink. I couldn’t return the hug yet since my hands were wet and…

“Thank you, Renn. Thank you so much!” she squeezed me, oddly tightly, and sobbed once.

I quickly returned her hug, uncaring over my wet hands, and nodded. “Any day,” I said as we squeezed one another.

The two of us remained connected for a long moment as Lellip slowly stopped crying, and then she nodded and stepped back. I sniffed as I nodded back at her, and then noticed the slobber and snot on her face.

“Do I look as bad?” I asked her as I reached over for a towel.

“Probably not, whenever I cry I get snot all over and…” Lellip laughed as I wiped her face off with the towel.

Once she was done I went ahead and used it to wipe my own face off and nodded. “Nothing wrong with that,” I said.

“Dad thinks I shouldn’t cry as much,” she said softly.

“I think you should cry whenever you need to,” I said. I did after all, so I better believe such a thing.

She smiled and nodded, but didn’t seem to agree with me. Which was okay. Not everyone needed to be like me.

“Thank you Renn. Really. I… I don’t know what to say,” she suddenly seemed embarrassed as she glanced at the sink. She seemed to fidget, as if she wanted to get to work cleaning them if only to distract us from the awkward air.

“It’s okay. Plus Vim is the one who dug him out, you know?” I said.

She nodded but shrugged. “Yeah… but he’s Vim,” she said.

He’s Vim… did she mean that she wasn’t sure how to thank him, or that him saving a member of the Society was just… normal? Taken for granted?

“He is Vim,” I agreed, since I wasn’t sure which it was for her. I really hoped it wasn’t what I thought it was.

“Hm… he is…” she chuckled, implying she thought I had not only understood her but agreed with her.

Which was sad, since I probably didn’t.

A little bit of an odd silence followed for a moment, and then Lellip sighed and nodded as she wiped her eyes clean once more. “I’m going to bed too… just, let these be. Get some sleep too, okay? Knowing Vim he might make you leave at any moment, so make sure you’re ready for it,” Lellip said kindly.

“I will. Goodnight Lellip,” I said.

“Goodnight,” she nodded and turned away.

The young woman left the kitchen… and I wondered if…

If…

Stepping forward to say something, I realized there was no point. There was nothing I could say to her.

I knew that, since I had gone through the same thing that she was going through now. And not just when I had buried Nory. Nor when I had buried Ginny. I had felt that way when I had buried that old witch. Though maybe not the exact same feeling, since I had been the one to end her life. I had killed her and buried her myself.

I hadn’t been able to bury Lujic, because it had been too painful, but the emotions had been the same.

Even after you bury them, and realize they’re gone… you still expect to turn around and see them. To hear them in the distance. To smell them. You hear their laughs in the distance, and in your dreams.

And although everyone knew of the graves and little trinkets she had left for her grandfather… no one knew that she had made another. A smaller grave with a tiny little cross upon it. For the man she had loved.

Humans died before we did. Always. And although telling her that it would be okay… that although it’d hurt, she’d survive it… I knew there was nothing I could actually say. Not right now. Not after her grandfather returned alive, proving once again the difference between us and them.

After all that had been what some of her and her father’s conversations had been about. Indirectly at least.

Her grandfather had returned, but not the man he had gone into the mine to save.

How could he? He had been human.

The sad thing is it was probably… the first time Lellip had ever endured such a feeling.

The first time she had buried a human whom she loved.

Though maybe she hadn’t buried him, just yet…

I gulped and hurried to finish cleaning the rest of the dishes. Just to have something to distract myself with.

At least she had a family with her. One that was normal, and loved her dearly.

She’d survive it. She’d overcome it.

Hopefully she wouldn’t have to endure it too long. Hopefully it wouldn’t… ruin her.

At the very least she won’t have to live with the knowledge that she had sent her grandfather to his doom.

Finishing with the dishes, I sighed and realized I had nothing left to do. The kitchen was clean. The front living room was spotless… I couldn’t do anything in the smithy, not because it was night but because it’d cause too much noise. This family couldn’t hear anywhere near as well as myself or Vim, but anyone could hear loud banging of metalwork.

Though…

My eyes wandered to a nearby shelf. Where Pram had dozens of small cylinders. Each of them full of tea leaves of various types.

“Maybe it’d help his scratchy throat,” I told myself as I went to making some. I even snuck a few spoonfuls of honey into the cups, for good measure.

Lighting a small fire, I smiled at myself as I warmed up some water. I liked the smell of tea leaves simmering.

Putting three cups onto a small platter, I put the tea kettle they used onto it as well. It wasn’t the shape of one I was used to, but it was made out of cast iron. It was… a little too wide for my taste, but it worked all the same.

Once done, I realized I was going to actually intrude. Vim had basically said he wanted to talk to his friend alone. They were still up there, talking. I could just barely make out Vim and Nebl’s voices. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, since they were talking lowly… but…

“Just drop it off,” I told myself as I picked it up and headed for the stairs.

Carrying the small platter, I wondered if I’d get yelled at for intruding… but…

Tea was great! Especially when exhausted… or hurt… plus I had put some honey into it and…

Slowly approaching Nebl’s door, I found it open and a lamp was lit within. A familiar shadow shifted as I peered my head around the door’s frame, and found Vim staring at me.

Woops. That wasn’t a happy stare.

“Sorry,” I quickly apologized and turned to go, but a cough stopped me.

“Please enter, young feline. Let me properly thank you as well,” Nebl said. Although I could still hear weakness in his voice… it was firm and unyielding. It hadn’t sounded like a request, even though I knew it was.

Slowly entering the room, I felt a little sluggish as I raised the platter to show why I had dared Vim’s anger.

“Ah, springleaf. My favorite. Please,” Nebl held out a now far more steady hand than I had seen him do earlier this morning.

His favorite? Really? I had picked it at random…

Walking up to the bed, I lowered the platter so he could pick up one of the cups. He did so with grace and surety, which seemed a little… unnatural, since he still had sunken cheeks and a gloomy expression.

“I uh… Hm…” I turned a little, to offer Vim a cup as well. He was sitting on a chair in front of his friend’s bed, and was no longer really glaring at me, but wasn’t too happy either.

He sighed as he nodded and reached out, but instead of taking a cup he took the platter itself.

Putting the platter down onto a small bedside table, Vim nodded… though probably not really in thanks.

He wanted me to leave.

“Sit. I hear your name is Renn,” Nebl said after he took a sip from the cup.

“Oh. Uh… yes. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Master Nebl,” I said with a small bow of the head.

The man tilted his head at me, and I noticed the deep green eyes hidden behind his loose flocks of hair. They reminded me of Trixalla’s a little.

He was old.

Glancing at Vim for permission, I found him nodding softly. He seemed to have accepted it in stride, since he looked normal again.

I sat in the only other chair next to the bed, which was a little closer to Nebl than Vim was, and sat up straighter.

“Give her a cup, Vim. She did well, and deserves to relish in its flavor,” Nebl said with a lift of his own cup.

Vim glanced at his friend, and then without looking reached over and grabbed one of the cups. He handed it to me gently.

“Thanks,” I said and took a small drink. Sure enough it was tasty. Still a little too warm for my own taste, but it didn’t bother me at all. I particularly liked the hint of honey in it.

“I remember you in the mine. You held the lantern. Thank you, Renn for helping me,” Nebl lowered his head, and a lot of his scraggly hair danced in the process. He needed a haircut.

“Oh! It’s… it was nothing. Vim did all the hard work,” I said.

“Ah, but Vim won’t smile when I say thank you. You did,” Nebl said with a wink.

I had smiled?

“I… I’m just happy to have witnessed a miracle,” I said honestly.

Vim sighed, but said nothing. Nebl though smiled softly at me, reminding me he was old. Only those much older than I could smile at me like that. At least, only the ones who seemed genuine when doing so.

“Miracle. Hear that Vim?” Nebl said.

“Miracle,” Vim nodded, saying the word a little oddly.

It was my turn to smile softly as I nodded as well. “A miracle.”

“Vim has a penchant for performing miracles,” Nebl said.

Yes… it was starting to seem that way.

“I suppose to a point I do agree, young Renn. Though now that I see you closer, I probably shouldn’t call you young. You’re older than my granddaughter… maybe even as old as my daughter, based off your eyes,” Nebl said as he studied me.

I shrugged, since I didn’t know if I was or not. Honestly I didn’t care much if I was or not.

“You can call her young, Nebl. As long as I can call you the same,” Vim said.

Nebl grumbled as he took a sip of his tea.

Did that mean Vim was as much older than him as Nebl was me?

“Miracles don’t have to be religious, by the way,” I told Vim.

“Funny,” Vim said.

“That was a beautiful statement, not a funny one. But I suppose Vim does find humor in the weirdest of places,” Nebl said with a nod.

I felt a little odd being told that my words had been beautiful, since I hadn’t meant them that way. I had been trying to tease Vim a little.

“All the same, you did well to hold on Nebl. I suggest you mind your body for awhile… degradation like that is hard to return from, even for us,” Vim said to his friend.

“Degradation. Such a word to say in front of my guest. Tell me Renn, since no one else seems to be willing to tell me… how long had I been stuck in that mine?” he asked me.

I perked up a little, and tried not to glance at Vim. He was glaring at me again.

“About Three and a half months, I’m told. We arrived almost a month ago, five days from now will be a full month, and the cave-in had happened two months before we arrived,” I said.

“Three and a half months…” Nebl went quiet as he stared into his cup. Was his tea empty already? I glanced at the platter across from me, past Vim. It was out of my reach.

“Just a moment, Nebl,” Vim said softly.

“A moment. Yet it had felt like an eternity,” Nebl said strongly.

I gulped a dry mouth, yet felt no desire to take a drink.

“Eternity passes,” Vim said.

“You said that to me once before. I hadn’t believed you then either,” Nebl said.

“Well as they say shame on you once and twice and so forth,” Vim said.

Nebl chuckled and then sighed. “What say you Renn?” he asked.

“Huh…?” I sat up straighter; a little bothered at being addressed. Their conversation had seemed… very familiar to them. It was one full of innuendos and jokes I knew nothing about, lacking their long relationship.

I didn’t belong in the center of it.

“I do suppose asking me about eternity is… counterproductive… but asking her?” Vim asked his friend as he glanced at me.

“Why not?” Nebl asked the protector.

Vim opened his mouth to say something, but stopped as he stared at me.

“Hm. Silenced by a single look. Yes. I do think I will ask her. So, Renn, tell me. What would you say to a man who just spent what felt like an eternity alone in pure darkness, with nothing but his failures in his mind to keep him company?” Nebl asked me.

Oh jeez.

I shifted, and not because of Vim’s look. He didn’t seem angry or upset… but as interested in my answer as Nebl seemed to be.

Feeling out of place… I decided to just let it be and answer honestly.

“Use it to appreciate the moments afterwards, I think,” I said to him.

Nebl held my gaze for a moment, and then smiled.

Vim nodded next to me, and out of the corner of my eye I saw him smile as well. “A flawless answer,” Vim said.

“Indeed. You’re not young at all, forgive me. A pleasure to meet you, Renn,” Nebl then extended a hand, the same one that had left that imprint upon Vim’s arm. It hadn’t just been because of the soot and dirt either. He had grabbed Vim so strongly it had left a bruise.

Taking his hand, I was a little thankful he didn’t squeeze anywhere near as roughly as that time as I nodded. “A pleasure,” I greeted him again.

“Hm… It is too bad none of my sons still live, or I’d beg you marry one of them. Such a waste,” Nebl said with a sigh as we shook hands.

“Huh…?” my tail knocked into the chair’s leg as I processed what he had just said.

Before our hands separated, I noticed that his hand was much larger than anyone’s I’d seen… maybe even bigger than Link’s, which was saying something.

His forearm was huge too, even though it was obvious he was very malnourished from his trial.

“Funny you say that. She seems to like the forge, and has a knack for it too,” Vim said.

I glanced at him as Nebl sat up straighter. “You jest?” he asked while staring at me.

“Oh uh… It is fun, though I’m told I’m too strong for my own good…” I said, repeating what Lellip said.

“Too strong!” Nebl laughed, a little loudly. The kind of loud that made me wonder if it had woke anyone else in the house.

Though… I doubted anyone would dare complain to be woken by his laugh. Especially when it sounded so happy, and genuine. Even if a little strained.

“Well… then it wouldn’t have worked out anyway. Too bad,” Nebl said after a few chuckles extra.

“Hm?” I wondered what that meant.

“His sons hated the forge. Despised it,” Vim told me.

“Ah…” that was sad.

“Nothing like a daughter to do what sons won’t, eh?” Nebl said with a smirk.

Daughter…? Ah… he must mean Pram and Lellip. I hadn’t really seen Pram in the forge, but she was pregnant.

“Congratulations by the way. Another descendant,” Vim noted.

“Yes. Will you stay for the birth?” Nebl asked.

“It’ll be a miracle if we stay a month more,” Vim said, smirking as he spoke. He was still caught up on that miracle thing wasn’t he? Would he poke at it for months?

“No matter. You’ll be back soon enough, you always return. Even when I don’t want you to!” Nebl said with a chuckle. He coughed a few times after the fourth laugh, and quickly went to drown the rest of his tea.

“Ah…” I stood, and quickly rounded Vim’s chair as to grab the tea kettle.

“Look at that, a gentle soul this one. I’d tell you not to stain her, but if she’s been with you this long and still like this she’ll probably be fine,” Nebl said as I went to refilling his cup.

Smiling, I sat back down while holding the kettle. Both to refill it as needed, but also since it was warm. It felt good in the hands.

“Renn, would you please give me a few moments with this fool alone?” Vim asked suddenly.

“Oh…? Sure,” I nodded, and stood but Nebl waved me down.

“You stay,” he said plainly.

“Nebl…” Vim sighed but Nebl shook his head, and pointed at Vim with one of his strangely long fingers.

“She stays. I know what you want to ask anyway, and I will only answer it if you let her stay,” he said firmly.

Looking from him, to Vim, I felt very uncomfortable.

Was Nebl trying to tease Vim, insult him, or make him uncomfortable? By the look on Vim’s face it was all three. And although it was amusing to see, I really didn’t want to be caught up in it.

“Are you sure?” Vim asked his friend.

“As a stone,” Nebl answered.

“Stone gives way easily,” Vim countered.

“Only for you, my friend.”

A moment of silence followed Nebl’s comment, and I glanced around. “I uh…” I was about to say I didn’t mind, but Vim looked at me and nodded.

With a reluctant sigh I sat back down.

While sitting, I drummed my fingertips against the sides of the kettle. It was more oval than the ones I was used to, which made it take up most my lap.

“It’s not their fault, Vim,” Nebl then said.

I went still as I both heard Nebl’s tone… and saw the way Vim’s eye’s focused and hardened.

“You cannot blame them for their lack of effort. You can’t fault them for not trying,” Nebl said to him.

My tail twitched around the leg of my chair, tightening around it tightly as I inwardly cringed. I really shouldn’t be here for this conversation.

“If I hadn’t come Nebl,” Vim started to speak but Nebl shook his head.

“They’re not like you Vim. By the hammer they’re not even like me. You can’t compare them to us. To them I was dead. To them by all reason and by all count I was gone, and there was nothing they could do,” he said.

“Even humans try, Nebl. That is not an argument,” Vim said lowly.

“They do. Yet they are not humans. We are not humans. Our age dilutes our reasoning, our hope. We become too… literal. Too serious. Humans live such short lives they not only are willing to believe in miracles, they give birth to them simply out of sheer will. Blaming my children for their lack of trying is like blaming the ore for not being what it could be on its own. You have to shape it, you have to teach it and show it or it’ll do nothing and stay a simple ore forever,” Nebl reasoned with Vim.

Vim took a deep breath, and I knew it was not because he was holding in words or shouts… but because he knew Nebl was right.

Was this what had been bothering him all this time?

Was this why he had been acting so oddly since we got here?

“You blame them?” I asked Vim.

His eyes narrowed, and I realized he had forgotten I was here. He glanced at me, and although did so with that strong gaze… it wasn’t a glare. He wasn’t upset with me.

“He was just beyond the dirt, Renn,” he said softly.

“A mountain, Vim,” I said back.

Nebl nodded, agreeing with me.

Vim shook his head, not agreeing at all.

“Vim… you are what this girl sees as a miracle. You are not the standard. Hell, even I’m not the standard anymore! Little Lellip… as wonderful as she is, as much of a joy she is for my life and as far as she has come… she’ll never have my strength. Never be like me. Let alone like you. And her children will be even less. Even weaker. Even smaller,” Nebl said softly, as if afraid Lellip would hear him speak.

His words would probably be interpreted as hurtful… but he wasn’t wrong.

“It’s not a question of standards, Nebl…! It’s the lack of effort and…” Vim shook his head, and I knew what really bothered him.

It wasn’t a matter of how strong anyone was. It was the simple fact that anyone could have done it, given the time and effort.

Even the humans could have. He wasn’t just angry at the smithy family… he was angry at everyone. At everything.

“He… he thinks they should have saved you. Before we even got here,” I said as I understood.

“Of course he does.”

“She heard you, same as I did. Not a moment later,” Vim said softly.

“Look at her ears, Vim,” Nebl whispered, barely audible.

Vim blinked and did. Upon being focused on they twitched, as if his glance alone could be felt by the many hairs upon them.

“You say it’s not a matter of standards, but is she more like them, or more like me?” Nebl asked him.

I didn’t like how I had thought something similar earlier. It made me more aware of how different I really was.

Vim took a deep breath but finally nodded, yet didn’t say anything.

While staring at him I realized something very… very serious.

Vim loved the Society. He protected them fiercely.

Yet hated them all the same.

Shivering at the realization, I suddenly understood a lot of things. Many things, a lot of comments… suddenly they all made sense.

He loved and cherished all of us, yet at the same time expected more than we were capable of giving.

Glancing at Nebl, I found his hard eyes on me.

He had me stay, not for Vim’s sake…

But my own.

Nebl reached out his arm, open palmed to Vim. The gesture was obvious.

“Forgive them Vim… please. For everyone’s sake. Before you leave, forgive them. If not for me, or yourself, do it for her,” Nebl said to him.

For me?

Glancing at Nebl, I wondered why he’d phrase it that way.

Vim didn’t nod but he reached out, clasping Nebl’s arm. He didn’t grab him by the hand, but instead by the forearm. As they had done in the mine. I saw the way they gripped each other tightly, firmly. This was something they had done for years and years.

I was jealous over the level of their friendship. Over the way Nebl had been willing to talk so… purely and deeply with Vim like that, and even argue with him.

The two were looking at each other in a way that actually made me jealous.

“Okay,” Vim finally said.

“Okay,” Nebl said.

Reaching out, I placed my hand on their wrists. The only place that I could grab onto both of them with the size of my own hands, thanks to how big theirs were.

“Okay,” I said.

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