Chapter 18: A Casper shaped spiral

Casper was doing his best to keep everything together. The people who had just gotten back from literal hell did not need to know what Casper was going through.

It was nothing when you looked at the big picture. Hell, the city thought he was a traitor. They wouldn’t waste a second of thought on some that Casper had been ready to leave everything behind so that they could live life comfortably. In a place where they belonged.

Casper’s chest was tight with pain, fear, and pure terror. He had no idea what Gunther was going through, and it was only made worse by the fact that half of the people in the Guild tried to keep news about him from him and the other half were making sure he knew everything.

It didn’t do him a lot of good given the fact that no news was coming through.

Gunther was…M.I.A.

Casper wanted to scream. He wanted to force people to go out and search for him. He was acting! Kellen and the rest of the city wanted him to do this! He deserved to be treated better than this. Captain Thatcher was his best friend! He should be the most concerned about the fact that no one had heard from Gunther!

It shouldn’t just be Casper. Casper was the one who was supposed to let him go. Casper was the one who was exhausted from caring for a man who didn’t care about him the same way. Casper was the one who was supposed to be making a clean break from this toxic…whatever the hell they had.

Instead, he felt like everyone else was moving around him, going ahead and into the future while Casper was standing still. Watching everyone move around while he desperately tried to hold onto Gunther.

He wasn’t dead. Casper wouldn’t believe in such utter nonsense. His heart wouldn’t love someone who could be killed so easily. And if he was going to die, couldn’t he do it somewhere Casper could get to his body?

Casper gave a harsh huff out loud, unable to fight off the feelings he was feeling at the moment. Thankfully, it was late at night and he was alone in his office. He needed a break.

He needed a lot of things, but a break was one of them.

Leaning back and away from his desk, Casper took off his glasses, putting them down on the desk before he pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. He tried to push the tears back inside, but he couldn’t. He was grateful that he had at least locked the door. No one had been able to walk in on him like this yet.

“Where the hell are you?” Casper whispered brokenly. If Casper knew that this was going to happen, he would have taken at least a second of feeling like his feelings were mutual. Even if Gunther was fucked up, Casper would have taken it. He didn’t want his last memories of Gunther to be this…complicated. This fucking terrible. They felt tainted, and Casper hated that.

Gunther was a good man, despite his flaws. He deserved better, and while he understood why Kellen had suggested him, he was so mad at him. It was senseless. Pointless honestly.

How could Casper be mad at a man who literally walked the walk and talked the talk? He had gone into the most dangerous gate they’d seen so far, saved most of their people and was severely injured in the process. When Casper had received the report of what was going on inside of Kellen, it was a damn miracle the man was up and talking. He should be unconscious like the rest of them, but he wasn’t.

Casper had almost cried when he’d actually seen the condition that Kellen was in. He shouldn’t feel animosity towards the man. He was a good man. He had asked Gunther to do it because he thought he could do it. There were a bunch of reasons why it made sense for Gunther to do it too. Tons of rational, normal reasons.

But Casper didn’t feel rational anymore. He was angry, hurt, and wanted someone to blame for his disappearance. While he wanted to blame the E.A.G. he didn’t have easy access to them. It wasn’t like he had a direct line to those fuckers, and it also wasn’t like he was even good at pointing a gun. Or shooting it.

All he was good at was calmly telling people what to do and guiding. Two things that he was pretty sure that the E.A.G. hated on principle.

So, his anger turned towards Kellen. Again. God, he was such an asshole. The man hadn’t even gotten angry at him when he’d iced him out the first time. Kellen wasn’t used to playing these kinds of games. Neither was Casper, so why the hell was he doing it? It was like beating a damn puppy, and yet Casper still had the urge.

The tears poured out over the heels of his hands pressed against his eyes. Casper let out a soft, shaky breath.

“Fuck.” Casper’s voice was rough with tears. He needed to pull himself together. They were down two people, technically three until Kellen got better. Brent was also missing, even if they now knew where he was. That didn’t mean he was safe.

He certainly hadn’t looked safe.

Casper had watched and rewatched the coverage where they caught a glimpse of Brent over and over. He had bruises tucked away under his clothes. Casper knew it, and they weren’t the ones he normally sported that he got from guiding. It was the serious kind.

The mistreatment kind.

Casper needed to get it together. Kellen was planning to go save Brent. There was never a second of doubt in Casper’s mind that was what he was going to do. Maybe…maybe he was just frustrated that that kind of dedication wasn’t being directed towards Gunther? He wanted the Captain to do everything he could. He wanted him scanning for any future, for any hint of a future so that they could start looking for Gunther. Even if Casper himself needed to guide him.

Casper would do it. Obviously, not to a level where it would violate the bond that he had with Kellen. Casper was desperate, but not that kind of desperate. He just wanted answers. He just wanted some help.

What could a man like him even do? All he did was get harassed by Espers who thought they could own him because he was a damn twig of a man. People wanted to own him, he didn’t have his own power even as a Lieutenant. Hell, Kellen had saved him the first time he’d seen him.

Casper was spiraling. He could feel it, but there was nothing he could do to stop it. He honestly felt like he’d been holding it back for a while, and this was the cost now. A true, real spiral when no one was watching.

When a knock sounded on the door, Casper nearly jumped out of his seat. It was past 7 o’clock at night. No one should be in the Guiding Division. Who the hell was it?

“W-Who is it?” Casper called, wincing at the way that his voice broke.

“Who else would it be, you idiot?” Came the sharp reply and Casper sniffed. He fumbled with the drawer of his desk, revealing the stash of tissues he kept at his desk along with his drawer of snacks. He wiped his eyes and blew his nose before he grabbed his glasses and shoved them on his face. He was sure he looked like shit, but she wouldn’t mind.

Casper unlocked the door, opening it to stare at the pink gaze of his best friend.

“Pam. What are you doing here?” Casper rasped and she narrowed her pink gaze at him.

“What am I doing here? What the hell are you doing here? Who are you helping by working yourself to the bone again? Do I need to tell Taylor you need an actual watch dog so that we don’t have more of the upper management down?” She threatened as she pushed her way into the room.

Her nose was up as she scanned the area, her phone still in hand, her ’work clothes’ on as she looked around. Her braids dangled down her back, a cascade of them instead of the two thick braids she normally sported.

“Did you do your hair yourself?” Casper found himself asking with a sniff. She sighed.

“No. I went to a salon. I needed to get out of this stifling air, and avoid someone.” She muttered and Casper had a feeling he knew who she was avoiding.

Pamela, like Casper, had always had a crush on someone. Unlike Casper, she had confessed and for a while, things had gone well. Until they hadn’t.

Pamela hadn’t gone into details yet, saying that now wasn’t the time for that kind of conversation, but Casper had gotten a few hints at what might have gone on. Kellen had warned her that Rene wasn’t quite the good person that Pamela had idolized. That she had flaws. Pamela might have just gotten to see them up close and personal.

“It probably is pretty stuffy in here.” Casper admitted softly, grabbing onto his arm as he watched her continue to circle the place before she faced him. She put her hands on her hips, staring at Casper seriously, her gaze still narrowed. Her expression was severe, tight.

“You are burning the candle at both ends, Casper. It wouldn’t bring you any results of where he is if you do that.” It was like she’d reached into his chest and squeezed her hand around his heart.

“I-I’m not-”

“Don’t even try with me. He’d be pissed if he saw you like this too, and you and I both know it. Are you doing it because you know he would be angry?” She asked and Casper had nothing he could say. Anything he said would be an excuse.

He didn’t think he was a glutton for punishment, but if Gunther came around the corner, yelling at him for not taking care of himself, that was still a way to get him here, wasn’t it?

Pamela raised a hand to her face, letting out an exhausted sounding sigh.

“Why is everyone in this damn Guild so dramatic?” She muttered. Casper hoped she included herself in that. She, too, was part of the Guild.

“I blame the Captain. He fostered that kind of environment.” Casper mumbled and Pamela uncovered her face to give him a smirk.

“Well, he’s a drama queen, I will admit that. A handsome one, but still a drama queen.” Pamela said. Silence hung between them for a long moment. “Come on. Let’s go get dinner. Not here, either. I’m getting you out of this damn tower. If he comes here, Casper, people will be here to take care of him. Taylor knows to message me right away, and you too.” Pamela’s voice turned soft, caring as she spoke to Casper.

Casper nodded, unable to speak past the emotions in his throat. He didn’t deserve her checking up on him like this. Not when she had to have her own shit going on. Pamela went to his desk, gathering up anything that he would need before she turned to him, gripping him by the elbow and escorting him out.

“Come on, my sweet friend. Let’s get you out of here.”

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