Chapter 237 237: Insane!
- Home
- Harry Potter and the Surprisingly Competent History of Magic Professor
- Chapter 237 237: Insane!
The engine made a wheezy sort of rattle, which Sirius claimed was the charm of the thing. Harry had his doubts. They were halfway down the M25, stuck behind a lorry that reeked of eggs and diesel, and the tape deck was playing Bowie on loop. Not that he minded Bowie. It was the volume Sirius kept flicking it to that was the issue.
“I think my ribs are vibrating.”
Sirius grinned at him from the driver’s seat. “That’s called bass, Harry. Revolutionary stuff.”
“I’m fairly sure I can feel the lyrics in my spleen.”
“Good. That’s how you know it’s working.”
Harry shook his head and sank lower into the passenger seat. They hit a bump. The glove box popped open and smacked Harry in the knee. Sirius didn’t even flinch.
Sirius had moved in just next door last summer. Bought Number Five. Petunia nearly swallowed her own tongue when he turned up with a leather jacket, a moving van, and three charmed trunks full of cursed books.
Since then, the neighbourhood had become… livable. Sort of. Sirius’s house was proper old. Still smelled of smoke, mould, and old dust, but he’d fixed the broken stairs, slapped a few wards over the porch, and convinced the neighbours he worked in antiques.
Harry had spent most of the summer there. Less shouting or Vernon shivering upon seeing him. More toast and dodgy music. And Sirius decided it was his duty to drive him to and from the station.
Now they were back on the road, Sirius driving carelessly, elbow out the window, hair whipping around as if he was in a music video nobody asked for, tapping the steering wheel. “Still can’t believe Old Man makes you go back there every summer.”
Harry shrugged. “You’ve seen it. It’s better now.”
Sirius snorted. “Bet they’d be even better if I showed up in that kitchen again.”
“You’d probably set the tablecloth on fire. Again.”
He gave a lopsided grin. “Once. One time.”
“You burnt the sink.”
Sirius raised a finger. “We agreed not to talk about the sink.”
They fell quiet for a minute. The road opened up, traffic thinned. A fox darted past ahead and vanished behind a wall. The song changed.
Harry tapped the edge of the window. “You reckon it’ll be bad this year?”
Sirius didn’t pretend not to understand.
“Depends on how bad you think.”
“I don’t know,” Harry muttered. “Worse than last time?”
They both knew what “last time” meant.
The tournament. The Cup. Barty. Voldemort.
Sirius blew out a breath through his nose. “Azkaban’s gone soft.”
Harry rolled his eyes. “Like you could escape if they haven’t.”
Sirius shot him a look. “I could have anyway. I was just being polite.”
Harry gave him a flat stare. “Sure.”
“Oi, I was.”
“Watch the road.”
Sirius turned back to the windscreen as the car wheezed as it accelerated. Harry reached down to shove the glovebox shut again, muttering under his breath.
Sirius grinned and tapped the steering wheel. “Anyway. Back to your Azkaban slander. I could have escaped, years before I did.”
“Didn’t,” Harry said.
“Chose not to.”
“You’re telling me you sat in that cell for a laugh?”
“I was playing the long game.”
“You ate rats.”
“That’s called commitment. And practise.”
Harry leaned back against the seat and let the tape play. Bowie had looped to Heroes again, which felt slightly ironic given the current conversation.
Harry turned his head slightly. “You ever think about going back?”
Sirius blinked. “To Azkaban?”
“No,” Harry said dryly. “Home. Real home. That grim, old place Blacks lived.”
Sirius didn’t answer straight away. His fingers drummed once against the wheel.
“Not much left to go back to.”
Harry didn’t say anything.
Sirius shifted in his seat. “Reckon I’d rather build something new anyway. Maybe get a proper oven. A couch that doesn’t growl when you sit on it.”
“That couch’s haunted.”
“Comfortably haunted.”
Harry cracked a smile.
“Besides,” Sirius went on, “I’ve got you now. Your mess, your school politics, your cursed socks. Why’d I want to go anywhere else? All I need is a job.”
Harry rolled his eyes again, but didn’t push it.
The road curved right, down toward the city. Smoke curled from chimneys in the distance. Shop windows flickered. Somewhere, bells rang faintly, too far to place, but close enough to remind them both that summer was ending.
“Have you heard from him?” Harry asked.
Sirius shook his head. “We’re not exactly quill-pals, you know.”
Harry huffed and shifted in his seat. “I heard he left home.”
Sirius raised an eyebrow but kept his eyes on the road. “Did you now? Where’d that come from?”
Harry shrugged. “Twins heard from Lee, who heard from Zacharias, who heard from Montague, who apparently heard it from Vaisey-“
Sirius let out a snort. “Reliable lot.”
“-who got it from Tracey Davis, who apparently told Daphne, who-“
Sirius held up a hand. “Enough. That’s too many snakes for one sentence.”
Harry leaned his head back against the seat. “So it’s true?”
“Sort of. I heard things.” Sirius kept his eyes on the road. “Over the summer. A few whispers. Same ones from six different countries.”
“What kind?”
He paused. “Man and a dragon, walking through forests. Talking to things.”
Harry frowned. “What things?”
“Don’t know. But they weren’t people.”
The car made a coughing sort of hiccup as it slowed, inching toward the King’s Cross car park. Sirius flicked the indicator, even though no one was behind them.
“You think that was him?” Harry asked.
Sirius cut the engine. “You ever met anyone else who’d try having a conversation with squirrels, deer and fawns?”
Harry didn’t answer.
They got out of the car. Sirius popped the boot and started hauling out Harry’s trunk.
Platform 9¾ was already busy. Families bunched at the barrier, parents passing over last-minute scrolls and sandwiches. A seventh-year with a brass telescope strapped to his back nearly knocked over a third-year Hufflepuff in his hurry.
Sirius tossed the trunk onto a trolley and started pushing.
Harry blinked at him. “You’re walking me in?”
Sirius shrugged. “You want me to honk goodbye from the car?”
Harry followed, frowning. They passed through the barrier, out onto the platform. Steam curled from the train, voices echoing off the high ceiling. Somewhere near the front, Ginny was arguing with Ron about something to do with broom storage. Harry waved at them, indicating he was going in first. Ron nodded, turning back to shouting at Ginny. Fred and George were cheering both.
Sirius helped lift the trunk into the carriage, then passed Hedwig’s cage up after it. Harry climbed in, still expecting Sirius to wave him off from the step.
Instead, Sirius stepped in right after him and shut the door.
Harry stared. “You’re getting on?”
Sirius gave him a wide grin. “What, you thought I came all this way to give parenting advice through a window?”
“But-“
“Relax,” Sirius said, already turning toward the corridor.
Harry followed him, still frowning.
“Why are you actually coming?” he asked. “Because of the Death Eaters?”
Sirius didn’t answer straight away. They passed a pair of third-years trying to wrestle a cage full of puffskeins. One of them sneezed glitter.
Sirius gave the cage a nod. “That one’s leaking.”
Harry waited.
They reached an empty compartment near the back. Sirius opened the door, gestured for Harry to go in first.
“Honestly?” he said, stepping in after him. “No. I’m not coming because of the Death Eaters.”
“Then?”
Sirius grinned. “Why of course, because I’m your new Defence professor.”
Harry froze mid-sit.
“What.”
Sirius tilted his head, grin widening. “Surprise.”
“No, no, hang on… what?” Harry stared at him like he’d grown a second head. “Defence professor? At Hogwarts?”
“Mm-hm.” Sirius flopped into the seat across from him and stretched out like he was on his own bloody sofa. “You’re looking at Professor Black. Professor Sirius Orion Black, if you’re feeling formal.”
Harry’s mouth worked for a second before sound came out. “Since when?”
“Since Dumbledore came begging last week. Gave me the usual speech, ‘dangerous year ahead, vital the students have someone reliable in the position, blah blah blah.'” Sirius waved a hand. “Flattered, obviously. Had to say yes. Would’ve been rude not to.”
“You’re not even qualified.”
Sirius shot him a look. “Rude.”
“I mean…”
“I’ve fought Death Eaters. Escaped Azkaban. Lived with a werewolf. I’m probably the most qualified Defence professor they’ve had in decades.”
Harry groaned and dragged his hands down his face. “You’re going to get fired by November.”
“Unlikely. I’ve already got tenure.”
“You’ve been hired for five minutes.”
“And in those five minutes, I’ve revolutionised the department.”
Harry stared at him. “You’re serious.”
“I am Sirius.” He wiggled his eyebrows.
Harry made a sound like he was dying.
Sirius leaned back, propped one foot on the seat beside him. “You’ll thank me when we start practicals. No more throwing cushions around a classroom and calling it a duel. We’re going outside. Real training. Field stuff. You’ll love it.”
“I don’t believe this.”
“You should. They gave me an office and everything. Bit dusty, mind you. Found a jar labelled ‘Curse Beetle Teeth – Do Not Eat’ on the shelf. Left it where it was. Didn’t want to risk it.”
Harry gave him a look. “What are you actually going to teach?”
“Oh, all sorts. Jinx deflection, counter-hex chains, maybe some light forbidden arts…”
“You can’t teach forbidden arts.”
“I said light forbidden arts. Softcore duelling. Nothing that’ll get me banned. Again.”
Harry slumped back in the seat. “This is going to be chaos.”
“Thank you.”
“That wasn’t a compliment.”
“I’ll take it anyway.”
The train gave a lurch, steam hissing past the windows. Voices echoed outside as students ran up and down the corridor. A girl shouted something about forgetting her wand. Someone else was singing the Slytherin chant off-key.
Sirius tapped his foot to the rhythm.
Harry sat in silence for a bit. Then, cautiously, “Does Professor R. know?”
“Probably.”
Harry blinked. “Probably?”
“Technically,” Sirius said, “I don’t start until tomorrow. So if I get kicked off the train for throwing a Slytherin prefect out a window, it won’t count against my record.”
Harry stared at him.
“Relax,” Sirius said, spreading his arms wide. “It’ll be fine.”
The train jolted into motion. Smoke drifted past the glass.
Sirius grinned.
Harry buried his face in his hands.
This year was going to be insane.
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Chapters
- Chapter 320 320: Like a Butterfly
- Chapter 319 319: Three Patronuses
- Chapter 318 318: Storm
- Chapter 317 317: Festive!
- Chapter 316 316: Change the World
- Chapter 315 315: Age of the Fine Bronze
- Chapter 314 314: Valley of Magic
- Chapter 313
- Chapter 312
- Chapter 311 311: Students vs Professors
- Chapter 310 310: Sword
- Chapter 309 309: Ashfal
- Chapter 308 308: Plague
- Chapter 307 307: Open Class
- Chapter 306 306: Double Wedding
- Chapter 305 305: Separation
- Chapter 304 304: Veil
- Chapter 303 303: Plans!
- Chapter 302 302: Gamble
- Chapter 301 301: Offer!
- Chapter 300 300: Bathael
- Chapter 299 299: Miracle
- Chapter 298 298: Death
- Chapter 297 297: Elder Wand
- Chapter 296 296: Sigh!
- Chapter 295 295: Lilies and Memories
- Chapter 294 294: Rage
- Chapter 293 293: Bark
- Chapter 292 292: Purge
- Chapter 291 291: Portal
- Chapter 290 290: Date!
- Chapter 289 289: Cabinet
- Chapter 288 288: It's a Date!
- Chapter 287 287: Space
- Chapter 286 286: Renunciation
- Chapter 285 285: Apparition
- Chapter 284 284: Revelio!
- Chapter 283 283: Staff
- Chapter 282 282: Goblins
- Chapter 281 281: Vault
- Chapter 280 280: Luck!
- Chapter 279 279: Moonspit and Romance
- Chapter 278 278: Cloak
- Chapter 277 277: Blood Curse and Talents
- Chapter 276 276: Amortal
- Chapter 275 275: Locket
- Chapter 274 274: WWW
- Chapter 273 273: Evil
- Chapter 272 272: Souls
- Chapter 271 271: Acclaim
- Chapter 270 270: Same Old Dread
- Chapter 269 269: Home
- Chapter 268 268: Curse and Worse
- Chapter 267 267: Self-Fulfilling
- Chapter 266 266: Child Soldier
- Chapter 265 265: Fury
- Chapter 264 264: Surprise!
- Chapter 263 263: Fight!
- Chapter 262 262: Hate
- Chapter 261 261: Family Reunion
- Chapter 260 260: Traitor
- Chapter 259 259: He'll Die!
- Chapter 258 258: The Real Dark Lord
- Chapter 257 257: Cheat
- Chapter 256 256: Exams
- Chapter 255 255: Career Advice
- Chapter 254 254: Prophecies
- Chapter 253 253: Shell
- Chapter 252 252: Drunk Phoenix
- Chapter 251 251: Choice
- Chapter 250 250: Winky
- Chapter 249 249: Wardnet
- Chapter 248 248: Past, Present and Future
- Chapter 247 247: Collection
- Chapter 246 246: Giant
- Chapter 245 245: Fire Eaters
- Chapter 244 244: Worry
- Chapter 243 243: Teacher
- Chapter 242 242: Tree
- Chapter 241 241: Duel!
- Chapter 240 240: Magic-tech?
- Chapter 239 239: CCL
- Chapter 238 238: Hem Hem
- Chapter 237 237: Insane!
- Chapter 236 236: Power the Dark Lord Knows Not
- Chapter 235 235: Proud
- Chapter 234 234: Drained
- Chapter 233 233: Compensate
- Chapter 232 232: Ritual
- Chapter 231 231: Portkey
- Chapter 230 230: Maze
- Chapter 229 229: Alive!
- Chapter 228 228: Targeted Teaching
- Chapter 227 227: Dread
- Chapter 226 226: Law
- Chapter 225 225: Second Task!
- Chapter 224 224: Justified Rage
- Chapter 223 223: Sick
- Chapter 222 222: Love Potion
- Chapter 221 221: Muffin
- Chapter 220 220: Double Date
- Chapter 219 219: DRAGONS!
- Chapter 218 218: Balls
- Chapter 217 217: Ancient Variant of an Ancient Variant?
- Chapter 216 216: The Tragic Courtship Display of the British Adolescent
- Chapter 215 215: First Task
- Chapter 214 214: Contract
- Chapter 213 213: Spy
- Chapter 212 212: Four Seasons
- Chapter 211 211: Napkin Tournaments
- Chapter 210 210: Champions!
- Chapter 209 209: Worth!
- Chapter 208 208: Guests!
- Chapter 207 207: Accio My Beloved!
- Chapter 206 206: H.E.A.R.T.
- Chapter 205 205: Shield
- Chapter 204 204: Acclimation
- Chapter 203 203: Hexing Students
- Chapter 202 202: Simple
- Chapter 201 201: Intent
- Chapter 200 200: Quintic-Magick Cup
- Chapter 199 199: The Bug!
- Chapter 198 198: Attack!
- Chapter 197 197: Warning!
- Chapter 196 196: Pet
- Chapter 195 195: Unwelcomed
- Chapter 194 194: Dread
- Chapter 193 193: Djinn
- Chapter 192 192: Wake and Heed My Command
- Chapter 191 191: Monsters!
- Chapter 190 190: Awake
- Chapter 189 189: Force
- Chapter 188 188: Politics
- Chapter 187 187: Without You!
- Chapter 186 186: Avada
- Chapter 185 185: Smile!
- Chapter 184 184: Immune
- Chapter 183 183: Freeze!
- Chapter 182 182: A Fool's Chronicles - It's April! Part 2 (Read After Ch170)
- Chapter 181 181: Moon
- A Fool’s Chronicles – It’s April! Part 2 (Read After Ch170)
- Chapter 180 180: Always
- Chapter 179 179: Ominous
- Chapter 178 178: A Fool's Chronicles - It's April! Part 1 (Read After Ch170)
- A Fool’s Chronicles – It’s April! Part 1 (Read After Ch170)
- Chapter 177 177: Rat
- Chapter 176 176: Love
- Chapter 175 175: Serious Howl
- Chapter 174 174: MWPP
- Chapter 173 173: Map
- Chapter 172 172: Patronus
- Chapter 171 171: Grim
- Chapter 170 170: Chimera
- Chapter 169 169: Cushions
- Chapter 168 168: Duel?
- Chapter 167 167: Praise
- Chapter 166 166: Headmasters
- Chapter 165 165: Forced!
- Chapter 164 164: Liar!
- Chapter 163 163: Druid
- Chapter 162 162: No
- Chapter 161 161: Damn You, Sirius Black!
- Chapter 160 160: Dementors!
- Chapter 159 159: Fear
- Chapter 158 158: Logic
- Chapter 157 157: Rewind!
- Chapter 156 156: Boggart
- Chapter 155 155: Cookie?
- Chapter 154 154: Crack
- Chapter 153 153: Mouse
- Chapter 152 152: Siriusly?
- Chapter 151 151: Foam
- Chapter 150 150: Events
- Chapter 149 149: Alternate Reality
- Chapter 148 148: Footpath
- Chapter 147 147: Ngaralu
- Chapter 146 146: Call!
- Chapter 145 145: Noctis
- Chapter 144 144: Summer
- Chapter 143 143: Power
- Chapter 142 142: Thief's Chronicle I - The Burden (Read After -Rowena vs Illiteracy-)
- Chapter 141 141: Dismissed
- Thief’s Chronicle I – The Burden (Read After -Rowena vs Illiteracy-)
- Chapter 140 140: Memory Wipe!
- Chapter 139 139: Dark
- Chapter 138 138: Riddle!
- Chapter 137 137: Chamber
- Chapter 136 136: Sacked
- Chapter 135 135: Creed
- Chapter 134 134: Valentine's
- Chapter 133 133: Ash
- Chapter 132 132: Favours
- Ch131- Sacked
- Ch130- Creed
- Ch129- Valentine’s
- Ch128- Ash
- Ch127- Favours
- Ch126- Spectacle-s
- Ch125- Shot!
- Ch124- Lost
- Ch123- Yule
- Ch122- Clue!
- Ch121- Parselmouth
- Ch120- Duel
- Ch119- Joy
- Ch118- Decision!
- Ch117- Blah Blah Law
- Ch116- Crack
- Ch115- Confess
- Ch114- Especially!
- Ch113- Rogue
- Ch112- Bird is the Word!
- Ch111- Parents
- Ch110- Damn You Lucius!
- Ch109- NO!
- Ch108- Daisy
- Ch107- Trust Me Bro, Click the Link
- Ch106- Hello, World!
- Ch105- Bad Decisions!
- Ch104- Wand!
- Ch103- Star!
- Ch102- Dragon Wakes!
- Ch101- Shrine
- Ch100- Meeting
- Ch99- Punch
- Ch98- Invest All!
- Ch97- Gate
- Ch96- Never Forget!
- Ch95- Forget!
- Ch94- Immortal Couple
- Ch93- Curse or Gift
- Ch92- Mob
- C- Between the Lines #3 – Rowena vs Illiteracy (Read After Ch 30)
- Ch91- Break
- Ch90- Temple
- Ch89- Family First
- Ch88- House-Visit
- Ch87- Bloody Rosier
- Ch86- Points
- Ch85- Play
- Ch84- The Obstacle
- Ch83- Would He?
- Ch82- Ignivolatus
- Ch81- Say It!
- Ch80- Wraith
- Ch79- Murder Forest
- Ch78- Summon
- Ch77- Comfortable
- Ch76- Bond!
- Ch75- Dragon?
- Ch74- Secrets
- Ch73- Erase!
- Ch72- Memory
- Curse Logs #1 – Marius Vale (Read After Ch 28)
- Ch71- Thief
- Ch70- Mirror
- Between the Lines #3 – Regulus vs Lucius(Read After Ch 58)
- Ch69- Crushing Defeat
- Ch68- Chess
- Ch67- Snow
- Ch66- Game On
- Ch65- Soaked
- Between the Lines #2 – Gryffindor vs Ghost (Read After Ch 56)
- Ch64- Leviosaaa!
- Ch63- Troll
- Ch62- Flawed
- Between the Lines #1 – Slytherin vs Badger (Read After Ch 56)
- Ch61- Tribute
- Ch60- Punishment
- Ch59- Fly!
- Ch58- Daddy!
- Ch57- A DAMN PEN!
- Ch56- WHY?!
- Ch55- The Greatest Creation!
- Ch54- Revenge!
- Ch53- Secrets?
- Ch52- Measure of Deterrence
- Ch51- New Year
- Ch50- Potter
- Ch49- Yoghurt
- Ch48- Return
- Ch47- Master Ji
- Ch46- SMELLS LIKE… LIES!
- Ch45- Extra
- Ch44- Türkiye
- Ch43- Troublesome Runes
- Ch42- Eureka
- Ch41- Pungent
- Ch40- Hot!
- Ch39- Gravitas
- Ch38- Serious?
- Ch37- A Rosier
- Ch36- Not That Name!
- Ch35- Staff Meeting
- Ch34- Somewhere Else
- Ch33- Age Line
- Ch32- Coward!
- Spells and Ancient Varriants
- Ch31- Academic Liabilities
- Ch30- Founders
- Ch29- Soooo…
- Ch28- New Professor
- Ch27- Magical Contraception
- Ch26- Mind Magic
- Ch25- Brand
- Ch24- Fjords
- Ch23- Brain Drills
- Ch22- Almost A Proper One
- Ch21- Collapse
- Ch20- Ancient Cave
- Ch19- Family
- Ch18- Bloody Historians
- Ch17- Curse
- Ch16- Surviving the Year
- Ch15- Bathsheda Babbling
- Ch14- Aromic Bomb
- Ch13- Selena Rosier
- Ch12- Softening Charm
- Ch11- Unerasable History
- Ch10- Kitchen
- Ch9- The Witch!
- Ch8- First Lesson
- Ch7- New Year Begins
- Ch6- Professor Rosier
- Ch5- Lucian Rosier
- Ch4- Teacher?
- Ch3- Lumos
- Ch2- List
- Ch1- Useless. Failure. A Joke!
- Character Images