Chapter 184: Avelina’s diary part 5

AVELINA

October 4th 2000

It’s been a week since I gave birth. The villa was undergoing renovation after the fire, so we had to settle into a smaller property temporarily until the house was ready for us to move back in.

I could feel eyes on me every second. The fire had left the staff paranoid. They were scared I would do something crazy again.

Due to Dominic’s insistence, I finally agreed on a name with him. It was one of the names I had thoughtfully researched when I thought this baby was my all.

Braelyn, “Hill by the water” or “One who rises with grace”. It was a lovely name honestly. We had picked it out because it sounded unique and it rhymed with Avelina

Now the name doesn’t sound as special as it should be. This past week, Dominic took his time from work to accompany the baby. He might be in his 50s as a first-time dad, but he was a great father.

Even with all the nannies and the multiple helpers we had, he still made sure to pay attention to every little thing concerning Braelyn. If I were half as good a father as he was, maybe I would have been an excellent mother.

But instead, I was a woman who could barely look at her daughter. Dominic tried, and I even tried confiding in Katerina, but the moment I mentioned I couldn’t bring myself to carry Braelyn, she stared at me as if I were some monster.

I haven’t seen Nadia in a while since I gave birth to Braelyn. That was meant to be a good thing but I didn’t feel any less suffocated than I did while pregnant.

Whenever I even attempt to get close to her, she cries. It was as if she knew I didn’t love her and it made me feel pathetic. This was the child I had longed for, but now it felt like it wasn’t worth it.

The stress and the pain weren’t worth it. I even became hideous after giving birth. The doctor said changes were normal after birth, some were permanent, others faded with time.

I can’t even bear to stare at the mirror. My reflection looked like a stranger I couldn’t recognise. My vibrant blonde hair now looked dulled. The green eyes I always bragged about lost their shine and my skin had dulled

I was glad most of my pictures were destroyed. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I lost. In a matter of months, I had aged years. I was once praised for the fact that I looked way younger than my age. Yesterday I overheard the main gossiping about me

How ugly I had gotten and how much of a bad mother I was to Braelyn. I had stormed right to Dominic demanding that they be fired and he took action immediately

They were right though. I had lost a considerable amount of weight. My reflection scares me off. I asked Dominic if I was still beautiful. He froze for a moment before saying yes. That I would always be beautiful in his eyes.

That short moment he hesitated said it all. Even Dominic didn’t find me beautiful again. I must look like an old hag to him.

This was all her fault. She ruined me. I ruined myself. I just hope she could disappear.

********

October 7th 2000

All she ever did was cry. The crying was getting annoying and unbearable..the little demon was truly out for my life

.I couldn’t bear it anymore. I had to stop the crying.

She made me ugly, she drove me nuts. The only thing I could hope for was for her to stop crying but she refused to

I couldn’t endure it. So I went to the kitchen to grab a knife. It was past midnight on the cold autumn night. I climbed up the stairs to the baby nursery. My hand had clutched the knife

I raised my hand, about to stab her. Her cries became louder. I was about to stab her when a scream erupted and the knife fell from my hand. The nanny was petrified by the sight.

I tried to kill my only child and it felt good.

Dominic burst into the room at the right moment. His words stuck with me.

What have you become Ava?

The truth was I didn’t know. Maybe I was a monster

*******

October 14th 2000

They finally gave it a name today. I had a proper psychiatric evaluation after I attempted to kill my baby. The results came out today

All this time I thought I was being punished. That Nadia was haunting me. That the baby was cursed and feeding on my sins. But the doctors sat across from me with their soft voices and careful eyes and told me something else.

They said my mind is sick. They said Nadia wasn’t real. The dead can’t disturb the living.

They said I am suffering from something called postpartum psychosis, layered on top of the depression and delusions I was already drowning in during the pregnancy. They said the stress, the guilt, the trauma, and my fragile health pushed my mind past what it could endure.

They said the things I saw: Nadia, the voices, the certainty that my child was evil were not real, even though they felt real to me.

One of them said I was not evil, just broken.

Another said I was dangerous not because I wanted to be, but because my thoughts are no longer safe. I couldn’t trust my thoughts and eyes anymore. That was all they said to my face.

After speaking to me, they privately spoke to Dominic, and he was very disturbed and restless.

While he was in the shower, I snuck into his study to find my diagnosis, and I wished I hadn’t done that.

What the doctor refused to tell me in person was that I must be separated from the baby for now. That I should not be alone with her. That my thoughts could turn dark without warning. That some mothers feel the urge to hurt their children when their minds break like this.

I wanted to scream that I would never hurt my baby. But the truth is… I am scared of myself. I already attempted to kill her because her cries irked me

I was emotionally detached from Braelyn. When they placed her in my arms earlier, I felt hatred, disgust, and then something else followed behind it. A whisper. A thought that did not feel like mine.

The doctors say treatment will help with medication and rest. Time away from the baby until my thoughts are clear again. They say this does not make me a monster.

Nadia has been silent recently and somehow, that frightens me more.

If she was never real… then the darkness was always mine.

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