Chapter 187: Avelina’s diary part 8

AVELINA

30th September 2003

Braelyn… Braelyn… Braelyn.

It is getting annoying. It feels like everything is about her. As long as she is there, I come second. It is like they are the perfect family and I am the one trying to fit in.

Even when Dominic tries to hide it, he favours her over me. I just know it. I try to hide this jealousy I feel, but I can’t.

Dominic suggested they stay a few more days after Braelyn’s birthday. Although I didn’t want to be around her for long before this twisted jealousy turned into something else, I agreed.

I knew it was for my good. The doctor said I should slowly get used to her presence.

I couldn’t turn him down, not when he was trying so hard. Braelyn fell a few steps down the stairs at the main entrance yesterday and scraped her knee. She started crying loudly, and of course Dominic rushed over to help her.

He held her, trying to coax her, before his gaze drifted to me, standing at the veranda, unbothered. I was there when she fell. She cried for almost a minute before Dominic arrived; the entire time, I didn’t even move a muscle to help her.

Dominic gave me that look of pure disappointment. He scooped her into his arms, and for the first time ever, he said something to condemn me. He said even a monster would show some empathy, or at least a little bit of sympathy.

Those words stung, not because he insinuated I was worse than a monster, but because it was the first time he had ever said something like that to me. He was starting to see me as a monster just because of her.

And in a low voice, he added that he knew this wasn’t me. The Avelina he knew was kind.

I am not kind. Kind people don’t do what I have done.

Braelyn was taking everything from me. My peace, and now my husband. This was all Nadia’s doing. Even beyond the grave, she was still making my life a living hell.

******

2nd October 2003

While Dominic was asleep, I snuck out of bed to get a glass of water, but somehow I ended up in Braelyn’s bedroom.

She was fast asleep. My chest tightened seeing how peaceful she looked while I was being plagued myself.

At the same time, I stared at her. Really looked at her. It was the first time I observed her features. She looked so much like her, and it made the sting worse.

He was right. I was a monster, or so I thought. If not, how could I explain the urge I had to strangle her? The voices in my head told me that if she disappeared, everything would go back to how it was in the past.

Only a monster would think that. She was the child I had badly wanted forever. My hand wrapped around her neck. It was so small.

Her eyes fluttered open. She saw me and just stared. She didn’t fuss or anything. Her gaze just settled on me in an unsettling way.

As if she was taunting me. Like she was waiting for me.

Do it, the cold voice told me. I didn’t know if it was the devil, my voice, or Nadia’s voice that always plagued me.

In the end, I couldn’t. The thought of how Dominic would be affected stopped me. He had tried and stayed with me for six years now. That meant something.

I ran out of the bedroom, down the corridor, finding my way to the roof.

If I was gone, Dominic wouldn’t have to deal with a lunatic like me. I wanted to jump off and end it. The realisation that I might never truly heal weighed heavily on my shoulders.

The doctors said I was okay, but why couldn’t I accept Braelyn yet? I got to the edge and jumped, ready to embrace death.

Death didn’t come. Before I fell, Dominic caught me. He pulled me back up and held me in his trembling arms. I fought and struggled, saying he should leave me, that I was a monster.

He called me a monster. He didn’t let go until I stopped fussing around. His voice was hoarse when he said I was Avelina Alderheim, the woman he loved, and not a monster.

He said I was just broken, and broken things could be fixed—and that broke me even more.

He still had hope for me.

********

5th October 2003

I am really sorry. I am sorry.

I don’t know how many times I have to say or write it to show how much I mean it. I didn’t expect things to turn this way, or my mind to harbour such twisted thoughts.

Something bad happened today.

I was sitting by the lakeside this morning, enjoying the feeling of the sand under my feet. It was one of the few moments I had true peace.

While I was lost in the moment, a small hand tugged at my sleeve. She gave me a harmless smile and asked if I could play with her, and before I could respond, she shoved a doll into my hand.

I should have walked away, but I didn’t. That would make her sad, and Dominic would not like it. It was just playing with dolls and nothing more.

It was the first time I spent time with her alone. We were playing when I knocked Braelyn’s doll down. Her doll fell to the ground, and she refused to pick it up.

She stared at me and said people die when they get shoved hard. I froze, then asked her where she heard that from. She didn’t answer and just stared, like she knew something.

I am sorry. I am sorry.

I didn’t mean to react the way I did. I didn’t even realise what I was doing until Dominic stormed in, barking at me.

I tried to drown Braelyn. If Dominic hadn’t come, she might have died. She was rushed to the hospital unconscious, and Dominic hasn’t returned home since.

I didn’t go to the hospital with them. I couldn’t bring myself to.

Something shook me to my core today. The sight of Braelyn’s fragile body, drenched, made me realise how truly dangerous I was.

Something in me ached at the sight.

I didn’t hate her as I believed. I didn’t want her to die.

I am truly sorry.

If Braelyn dies, I don’t think I can ever forgive myself.

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