Chapter 167: Navigation for Dummies

Ren clawed her way out of the narrow hole in the rock face, scraping her elbows and getting a mouthful of moss in the process. She flopped onto the forest floor, gasping like a fish on land.

She stood up and brushed the dirt off her “dress.”

“Freedom,” she whispered.

The forest was breathtaking. The canopy was alive with the sound of a thousand birds. Sunlight filtered through the massive leaves in dappled beams of gold, illuminating oversized ferns that looked like they belonged in Jurassic Park. Vines hung like green curtains, decorated with flowers the size of dinner plates in shades of neon pink and violent violet.

It was beautiful. It was majestic.

It was also a sauna.

Ren wiped a bead of sweat from her forehead. The air outside the cavern was heavy and humid, sticking to her skin instantly. And the dress—the burlap sack of torture Vex had gifted her—was not helping. Every time she moved, the raw wool scratched her sensitive skin.

“Itchy, hot, and lost,” Ren muttered. “Trifecta.”

She looked up at the sky through a gap in the trees. It was a brilliant, cloudless azure. The sun was beaming down with mocking cheerfulness.

Ren clicked her tongue.

“That lying fox,” she hissed under her breath. “’It looks like it’s about to rain,’ my foot. He just wanted to keep me in his love dungeon.”

She spun in a slow circle. Trees. Trees. A bush that looked like a hand. More trees.

“Okay,” Ren said, putting her hands on her hips. “How hard can it be? I just need to find a giant tree in a forest made of giant trees.”

She paused. She needed a strategy.

Ren licked the tip of her index finger and held it up in the air with a look of intense concentration. She closed her eyes, waiting to feel the subtle shift of the wind, the directional pull of nature that would guide her to her destination.

She stood there for a full minute.

“My finger is just cold,” Ren admitted, dropping her hand. “That’s it. That’s the only data I have gathered.”

She sighed. In the movies, the protagonist always knew how to navigate by moss or the sun or the smell of pine. But the harsh reality was that Ren was a chef, not a scout. She could navigate a pantry blindfolded, but out here? She was useless.

“Maybe I should just pick a direction and commit,” Ren mused. “Fate usually intervenes, right?”

[System: Ding!]

[Reminder: Side Quest ’The Fellowship of the Fangs’ is active. Reward: 50,000 XP. Failure to complete may result in the mutual destruction of your husbands.]

Ren rolled her eyes.

“I would love to get started on that quest,” Ren said sassily to the empty air. “If someone would help me navigate this salad bowl.”

[System: I do not have Google Maps installed.]

“You have a sarcasm module installed,” Ren shot back. “Just give me a hint. Left? Right? Towards the creepy vine or away from it?”

[System: Head North.]

Ren blinked. She looked around.

“Okay,” she said slowly. “Which way is North?”

[System: …]

“Hello?” Ren called. “Is North the way with the moss? Or the way with the sun? Or is North a state of mind?”

[System: …]

“Selective usefulness, I see,” Ren grumbled.

She refused to believe the System couldn’t guide her.

Ren narrowed her eyes at the forest. If the System wasn’t helping, it usually meant one thing: something was going to happen. Something she would hate, and it would find entertaining.

“Fine,” Ren announced. “I’ll find North myself. It’s probably… that way.”

She pointed confidently at a random patch of ferns and started walking.

Ren walked. And walked. And walked.

For what felt like hours, the landscape refused to change. It was a green purgatory. Every massive tree looked like the last massive tree. Every giant fern looked like the last giant fern.

Every now and then, she would get distracted.

“Ooh, pretty flower,” Ren mumbled, reaching for a trumpet-shaped blossom dripping with gold nectar.

[System: Warning. Touching it will cause paralysis and uncontrollable hiccuping for three days.]

Ren snatched her hand back. “Noted.”

She stepped over a log covered in fuzzy purple moss.

[System: Warning. Inhalation may cause hallucinations of your grandmother criticizing your life choices.]

“I get enough of that in my head, thanks,” Ren muttered, holding her breath as she hurried past.

After some more time, nothing had attacked her. Just silence and bugs.

’Maybe I was worried for nothing,’ Ren thought, wiping sweat from her neck.

Her bare feet were sore. The roots were unkind, and the forest floor was littered with sharp twigs. But she kept the image of Kael and Syris in her mind.

’Do it for the boys,’ she told herself. ’Do it for the bromance. Don’t pass out.’

Suddenly, the oppressive heat lifted.

A massive shadow swept over the forest, plunging the vibrant green world into a twilight gloom.

A dark grey cloud had completely consumed the scorching sun.

“Oh, thank god,” Ren sighed, closing her eyes and enjoying the sudden drop in temperature. “Shade. Sweet, sweet shade.”

Plip.

A single, cold drop hit her cheek.

Ren froze. She touched her cheek.

“No,” she whispered. “No, no, no.”

The sky, which had been mocking her with its blueness just a while ago, was now a bruised purple wall of storm clouds. The air pressure dropped instantly, carrying the heavy scent of ozone.

“Vex jinxed it,” Ren groaned, looking at the sky.

Ren didn’t wait to see if it was a drizzle. She knew this world too well now.

“Run!” she commanded herself.

She picked up her pace, her eyes frantically darting around the darkening forest.

“Shelter! I need shelter!”

Thunder rumbled, shaking the ground.

She spotted it—a massive tree a few yards away. Its roots were twisted and knobbly, forming a natural archway that led to a dark, dry hollow at the base of the trunk.

“Bingo!”

Ren dashed through the underbrush, her bare feet slapping against the dirt. She practically threw herself through the root archway.

She scrambled into the hollow just as a deafening CRACK of thunder split the sky.

The sky opened up.

A sheet of water slammed into the forest floor, turning the world outside into a grey blur.

Ren sat inside the dry hollow, breathing hard. She looked at her dry wool dress.

“Hah!” Ren laughed breathlessly. “Safe. Dry. Not today, universe!”

She leaned back against the inner wall of the tree, releasing a long sigh of relief.

Scritch. Scritch.

Ren froze mid-sigh.

The sound came from behind her. Inside the hollow.

It was the sound of something shifting against the wood.

Ren’s body instantly turned to stone. Her heart started hammering so loud she was sure it was louder than the rain.

’Please be a squirrel,’ she prayed, sweat breaking out on her neck. ’Please be a very fat squirrel.’

Slowly, agonizingly, she turned her head.

Her eyes adjusted to the gloom of the hollow.

Ren’s eyes widened in pure, unadulterated fear. Her mouth opened to scream, but no sound came out.

It wasn’t a bear.

But it was possibly just as bad.

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