Chapter 65: Cantonese Snake Soup

Ren and Viper sprinted—or rather, slithered and limped—through the ruins of the old guard post. The hallway was a graveyard of muck, ash, and sludge, the grim remains of the snake guards Ren had torched during her first escape attempt.

The air smelled of wet charcoal.

“Sorry,” Ren whispered to the sludge, pressing her palms together as she trudged through the knee-deep muck. “I didn’t mean to barbecue you guys. It was self-defense. I hope you reincarnate into pretty rainbow boas.”

Viper swiftly and aggressively jammed the Jade Key into the slot on the heavy vault door. With a heavy clunk, the mechanism turned.

The Vault was exactly as Ren remembered it: messy and dark, but now filled with burn marks from her previous arson attempt. But mostly, it was cold.

It was freezing.

Ren, currently wearing little more than a tattered snake-skin skirt and a halter top held together by hope, immediately started shivering.

“My puffer coat,” Ren chattered, hugging herself. “I left it at the bath. I’m going to die of hypothermia.”

“Hurry!” Viper urged, scanning the messy shelves. “The Slumber-Ash!”

“I know, I know!” Ren shouted, her eyes darting frantically over the piles of gold, jewels, and random junk Syris had collected. “Small, irregular clay pot! Sleeping eye symbol! Where is it?!”

She tossed a golden chalice over her shoulder. Clang. She shoved aside a pile of emeralds. Clatter.

“Found one!” Viper yelled, holding up a crooked, open-mouthed pot.

Ren rushed over, snatching it from his hands. She peered inside.

Empty.

“No!” Ren groaned, tossing it aside. “There has to be more! Keep looking!”

They were so busy tearing the room apart, frantically searching for the one thing that could stop a clash of titans, that they didn’t hear the soft, sinister slither of silk against stone behind them.

The heavy obsidian door gave a low groan.

Ren and Viper froze. They spun around just in time to see Lyssa standing in the corridor, her hand on the outer handle.

She smiled—a cold, triumphant twisting of lips.

“No!” Ren screamed, lunging forward. “Noooo!”

She and Viper raced toward the exit, but they were too slow.

SLAM.

The door shut with a finality that shook the floor.

“Bye, bye, Pet,” Lyssa’s muffled voice came through the stone, followed by a high-pitched, evil laugh that faded away as she slithered back to the fight.

“Open it!” Ren shrieked, banging her fists against the cold black stone. “Open this door right now, you discount handbag!”

Silence.

Ren leaned her forehead against the freezing stone, her breath coming in short, panicked gasps.

“We’re trapped,” she hyperventilated. “We’re trapped, and Kael is fighting Syris, and I don’t have the powder, and I’m half-naked in a refrigerator!”

She spun around, her eyes wild. “Viper! Does this place have a secret passage? A Batman exit? Anything?!”

Viper shook his head grimly. “No. And the stone is thick. No one can hear us.”

Ren fell to her knees in defeat. Tears welled up in her eyes, hot against her freezing cheeks.

“I’m going to lose them,” she sobbed. “I’m going to lose two husbands in one day, and I haven’t even had a wedding cake yet! This is the worst engagement ever!”

She sniffled, wiping her nose with her arm. “And why does Syris collect all this crap? Useless! Why doesn’t he have a teleportation device? Or a laser cutter? What kind of idiot builds a treasure room without a back door?”

She stood up, stomping her foot. The cold was seeping into her bones, making her movements jerky.

“There has to be a way out. A trap door. A loose stone.”

She began running around the room, pressing her hands against random sections of the wall, jumping up and down on different floor tiles like she was playing a frantic game of Dance Dance Revolution.

Thump. Thump. Thump.

“Open!” Ren commanded the floor. “Sesame! Alohomora! Pizza Delivery!”

Viper watched her, bewildered. “Female… what are you doing?”

“I’m triggering the secret mechanism!” Ren yelled, shivering violently. “Help me! Stomp around! Look for hollow spots!”

Viper knew there were no hollow spots. He knew the architecture of the Palace. But seeing the sheer terror and desperation on Ren’s face, he couldn’t just stand there.

He sighed and started stomping his tail on the floor.

“Do not worry,” Viper offered awkwardly. “The King… he is strong.”

“But Kael is strong too!” Ren argued, pressing her ear to a wall. “They’re going to kill each other if we don’t get out of here!”

“The King will realize we are gone for too long,” Viper reasoned. “He will send someone.”

Ren stopped stomping and glared at the door. “It’s all her fault. Lyssa.”

Ren’s eyes narrowed, and a dark, culinary aura flared around her.

“When I get out of here,” Ren muttered, pacing back and forth, “I am going to kill her. No, death is too easy. I’m going to cook her.”

Viper stiffened. “Cook… her?”

“Oh yes,” Ren promised, her teeth chattering but her voice filled with venom. “I’m going to make Cantonese Snake Soup. First, I’m going to blanch her to get the scales off. Then, I’m going to shred her meat into fine strips. I’ll simmer her with chrysanthemum petals, lemon leaves, and fungus for six hours until she’s tender. And then I’m going to serve her with a side of crispy crackers!”

“Yes,” Ren laughed evily.

Viper stared at her, horrified. He had seen Ren angry, but this… this was terrifying.

’She is truly a dangerous creature,’ Viper thought, edging slightly away from her. ’I should never upset her.’

“AHA!”

Ren’s shout made Viper jump.

“You found a secret passage?!” he asked, eyes widening.

“No,” Ren said, her voice dropping with disappointment. “But I found this.”

She stood by a forgotten shelf in the corner, holding a rough, oddly shaped wooden jar. It had no lid, the opening jagged as if carved by a novice.

Viper slithered over. “That? That is not the clay pot.”

“I know,” Ren said, peering inside.

The powder inside was greyish-white. It looked exactly like the dust she had used on Syris before.

“It looks right,” Ren whispered, hope flaring in her chest.

She didn’t dare sniff it—if it was the real deal, one whiff could knock her out cold, and then they’d really be doomed. But visually? It was a match.

“Are you sure?” Viper asked skeptically, eyeing the open container.

“Positive,” Ren reassured. “I remember the texture.”

A seed of doubt planted itself in her mind. ’What if it’s just some old flour? Or poison?’

She crushed the doubt. She had to believe it was the sedative. It was the only hope they had.

She clutched the irregular jar in her hand and turned to Viper. She noticed he was standing a solid five feet away from her and thought it must be because of her shamelessness last night.

“Hey… Viper.”

“Yes?” he squeaked.

“About… last night,” Ren stammered, her face turning pink. “Look, I’m sorry. I wasn’t myself. The vampire fish poison… it makes you say crazy things. I didn’t mean to… you know… traumatize you.”

Viper let out an awkward, strangled chuckle. “Last night? I do not recall last night. My memory is bad.”

Ren gave him a grateful look. “Thanks, Viper.”

She turned back to the obsidian door. She shivered as a fresh wave of cold hit her bare skin.

“Okay,” Ren whispered, her teeth clattering. “We have the powder. Now we just need to leave.”

She looked at the Jade Key in Viper’s hand.

“Give me the key,” Ren said.

“Why?” Viper asked, handing it over. “The lock is on the outside.”

“I have a theory,” Ren muttered, taking the key. “But I can’t tell you. If I say it out loud, the universe will hear me and jinx it. Just… watch.”

She stepped up to the massive black door. She ran her hand along the smooth, glass-like surface of the obsidian.

’Obsidian is volcanic glass,’ Ren thought, recalling a geology documentary she’d watched once at 3 AM. ’It’s hard, but it’s brittle. If you hit it at the exact right angle…’

It was a long shot. A one-in-a-million shot. But she was Ren, and she had the power of desperation on her side.

“Hold this,” Ren said, shoving the jagged wooden jar of mystery powder into Viper’s hands.

“System,” she whispered. “Frying Pan.”

Shimmer.

Her trusty, black iron skillet materialized in her grip out of thin air.

Viper’s jaw dropped. “Magic,” he breathed, staring at her with wide, yellow eyes. He had been curious about it before, how she could conjure things out of thin air.

Ren didn’t see his admiration. She was too busy squinting at the door, trying to find the stress point.

“Please work,” she whispered, her breath fogging in the freezing air. “Please don’t let me die in here.”

She gripped the pan with both hands. She raised it high over her head, aiming the heavy iron edge directly at the edge of the door.

“Hi-yah!”

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