Chapter 192: The Most Useful and Loving System

Viper walked in silence, the unconscious “Parkour Pig” slung over his shoulder like a furry sack of potatoes. He had knocked it out with a single, precise chop to the neck.

Ren walked beside him, her feet squelching rhythmically in the mud. She was lost in the culinary palace of her mind.

’Okay, I have pork,’ Ren brainstormed, staring at the pig’s trotter bouncing against Viper’s chest. ’I have… water. I have salt—wait, no, I don’t have salt.’

She frowned.

’I can’t make sweet and sour pork without sugar, vinegar, or ketchup. I can’t make soy-braised pork without soy sauce. I can’t make tonkatsu without panko breadcrumbs and oil for deep frying.’

Ren sighed audibly. ’I have a whole pig and nothing to dress it with. It’s a tragedy.’

[System: If you had been completing your Side Quests, you would have unlocked the Basic Pantry Pack by now.]

Ren rolled her eyes so hard she saw her own brain.

’Oh, shut up,’ Ren snapped internally. ’When? When exactly was I supposed to do that? Between getting almost eaten by a bear, trying to keep my men from killing each other, and constantly somehow getting kidnapped? My life is a rollercoaster that was designed by a sadist. The track doesn’t stop. It just adds more loops!’

The System hummed.

[System: …Fair point. Your survival difficulty setting has been inadvertently locked to ’Hardcore Mode’.]

’You think?’

[System: Very well. I will reconfigure the Quest Log. I will generate tasks that align with your current chaotic reality and offer rewards that are actually useful for your immediate survival.]

Ren stopped walking. She almost tripped over a root.

’Excuse me?’ Ren blinked. ’You’re… helping? You’re being reasonable? Who are you and what have you done with the bot from hell?’

She expected the System to tell her to “suck it up” or say something bitchy. But this? This was completely unexpected.

[System: Do not be paranoid, Host. I am merely adjusting the parameters because I feel a statistical probability of 98% that you will cry if you have to eat boiled pork with no salt. I feel… pity.]

’Pity?’

Ren scoffed, resuming her walk. ’I didn’t know you were capable of compassion.’

[System: Updating Quest Log… Done. Please review your new objectives.]

A blue holographic screen popped up, overlaying the muddy forest path.

[New Quest: Maid of the Manor]

[Objective: Clean Vex’s Treehouse. It is a disaster zone. Even rats would refuse to squat there.]

[Reward: 5 Liters of Cooking Oil, 1kg Sea Salt, Cleaning Supplies.]

’Cooking oil!’ Ren gasped aloud, earning her a concerned look from Viper. ’Yes! I will scrub that tree until it sparkles!’

[New Quest: Needle in a Haystack]

[Objective: Find the hairpin gifted by Syris. Vex tossed it somewhere in his hoard.]

[Reward: Survival Points +50, Syris’ Mood will improve. He will be very upset if he finds out you lost it.]

’Oh no,’ Ren thought, touching her messy hair. ’I completely forgot about the pin.’

[New Quest: The Pacifist (Part 1)]

[Objective: Convince Kael to forfeit the ’Rite of the Severed Fang’.]

[Reward: Kael survives with all limbs attached. 10kg Sack of Rice.]

[New Quest: The Pacifist (Part 2)]

[Objective: Convince Syris to forfeit the ’Rite of the Severed Fang’.]

[Reward: Syris survives. 10kg Sack of Flour.]

Ren groaned. ’Convincing them to stop fighting is like convincing gravity to stop working. But for rice and flour? Hell yea!’

[New Quest: The Matriarch]

[Objective: Restore the White Tiger Clan. Secure a safe territory and establish a base.]

[Reward: 5000 Survival Points, The Indestructible Silk Dress (Self-Cleaning, Temperature Regulating), Crate of Fresh Vegetables.]

Ren’s eyes widened. ’Indestructible dress?! Self-cleaning?!’

[System: And now, my personal favorite.]

[Hidden Quest: The Birdcatcher]

[Objective: Convince Altair to stay.]

[Reward: Scent Masking Spray (Ability to hide the scent of other males on your body for 24 hours).]

Ren frowned. ’Why is this your favorite? Also… scent masking?’

[System: Trust me, Host. With three Apex Predators in your orbit, masking the scent of the others will be the only way you get a good night’s sleep. Consider it a survival tool for the harem protagonist.]

’But he flew away. Quest failed.’

[System: The Quest is not ’Failed’. It is ’Pending’.]

[Urgent Quest: The Red Tide]

[Objective: Remove the expired contraceptive implant from your arm and prepare for the return of your menstrual cycle.]

[Reward: Medical Kit (Painkillers, Antiseptics), 3-Month Supply of Sanitary Products.]

Ren winced, rubbing her left arm. ’That’d be great. I really don’t want to deal with that in the middle of a jungle using leaves.’

[System: I have also updated your Daily Missions to help you farm XP.]

[Daily Missions]

[Master Chef: Cook a meal that provides a stat buff. (Reward: 10 XP)]

[Feed the Fox: Sneak food to Vex without getting caught. (Reward: 20 XP)]

[Peacekeeper: Prevent your husbands from trying to kill each other for 24 hours. (Reward: 50 XP)]

[Cardio: Engage in intimacy with Kael. (Buff: Increases Endurance/Stamina permanently by +1).]

[Cardio: Engage in intimacy with Syris. (Buff: Increases Speed/Agility permanently by +1).]

Ren stopped walking again. Her face heated up.

’Excuse me?!’ Ren furrowed her brows. ’Cardio? You are gamifying my sex life? ’Endurance’ and ’Speed’? This is ridiculous!’

[System: You need to get stronger to survive here, Host. This is the fastest way. Besides, the ’Fellowship of the Fangs’ quest is still active. You need all the stamina you can get.]

’You are a pervert,’ Ren accused. ’A digital, voyeuristic pervert.’

[System: I am only looking out for you, Host. You get winded chasing a piglet.]

’Hey!’ Ren argued. ’That was a magical, super pig!’

She looked up. Ahead of them, the trees thinned out.

Looming in the distance was the massive tree that housed Vex’s den. It was colossal, its roots twisting like giant snakes into the earth, its canopy teasing the clouds.

“We’re here,” Viper announced, shifting the pig on his shoulder.

Ren’s heart skipped a beat. Kael and Syris were there. They were waiting for her.

She felt a rush of excitement. She was finally going to see them again. She was going to hug them. She was going to—

Ren looked down at herself.

She froze.

Her hair was a bird’s nest of tangles and leaves. Her face was smeared with mud from her belly-flop. Her wool dress was caked in dirt, pig hoof prints, and unidentifiable forest slime. She smelled like wet dog, sweat, and stagnant water.

“Oh no,” Ren whispered, horrified.

She was about to reunite with her two incredibly handsome, regal husbands, and she looked like a swamp goblin that had lost a fight with a garbage truck.

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