Chapter Fifty-Nine – Booger Brain

“Well, well, well,” Trinity said. She was walking towards Rattles, who looked up at her approach. Her hands were on her hips and she was moving with greatly exaggerated swagger. “If it isn’t the great poopyhead himself.”

Rattles stood up slowly and scanned the street. Emily moved back slightly, deeper within the shadows of the alleyway. She had to pull Teddy back as well, otherwise the bear-girl might move out and into his line of sight.

“What are you doing?” he asked. Emily could just barely hear him.

“I’m making fun of you,” Trinity said. She swung her arms out theatrically, then gestured to Rattles. “The poop-head, the crybaby nincompoop, chicken butt… uh…” She faltered, obviously running out of insults for a moment.

“Booger brain,” Maple suggested.

“Capitalist,” Teddy added.

“I don’t know if that kind of insult would work on someone his age,” Athena said. “But call him a scatterbrained egghead anyway.”

“Oh,” Alea Iacta said. “Numpty! Nincompoop. Uh… maybe klutz?”

The girls all nodded, then turned their attention to Emily and Glamazon.

“I’m not participating in whatever this is,” Glamazon said.

Emily nodded her agreement.

Out on the street, the one Trinity standing out there grinned. “You’re nothing but a capitalist, booger-brained, numptycompoop.”

“I think that last one’s wrong,” Maple said.

“Eh, I think it gets the message across,” a nearby Trinity said with a shrug. And she was right. Rattles looked thoroughly annoyed. He started walking towards Trinity, moving very carefully and slowly.

“You can’t be serious,” he said. “Of all the useless masks to show up tonight, it just had to be you? Do you have any idea how much I want to kick someone’s ass right now?”

“Pft, you couldn’t kick my butt if you tried, old baby,” Trinity said. She used her middle finger to pull at the bottom of her eye then stuck her tongue out at him. “I’m too awesome.”

“I’ve literally beaten you before,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

Trinity paused, then stood up straighter and gave him a shrug. “I came here to tell you something.”

“Oh? And what’s that?” he asked.

“That you’re stupid, and ugly. Not just one or the other, but both, at the same time.”

“I should be the one out there,” Athena said with a shake of her head. “This is just sad. You have no appreciation for the art of insulting people. It doesn’t work to just call someone dumb and ugly, you need to really focus on their insecurities.”

Trinity blinked at her sister. “Like what?”

“Well, if I was insulting Glamazon, then I wouldn’t tell her that she’s stupid and ugly, I’d tell her that she doesn’t deserve the popularity that she has, that her power isn’t nearly as strong as it is flashy, and that her nose is a little long for the size of her face. You need to be specific,” Athena said.

Emily reached down and patted Athena on the shoulder. “Alright, that’s enough friendly-fire,” she said.

Glamazon was touching her nose and looking rather concerned.

“So what would work on Rattles?” Trinity asked.

“Hmm.” Athena leaned forwards a little to catch sight of the villain who was still trading barbs with Trinity. She was making farting noises over him whenever he started talking, which was, admittedly, annoying him. “Right, so he’s obviously compensating for a lot with that leather jacket and the skull mask. I think he’s actually really afraid.”

Trinity nodded, and the Trinity out by Rattles stopped blowing raspberries at him. “I know that you’re afraid,” Trinity said.

“I’m not afraid of you,” Rattles snapped.

Athena nodded. “He’s not afraid of you. But he is afraid. He’s afraid that he’s going to lose his temper for real, that he’ll never amount to anything. That’s why he came here, to Eauclaire, because he was never able to make any real friends in the villain community. He’s alone now, and he’s always going to be alone, because no matter what he does, he’ll always be both unlikable and yet entirely forgettable.”

Glamazon took a small step away from Athena, and Emily could kind of understand the sentiment.

Trinity though, just grinned and nodded. “Want to know something?” she asked Rattles before she started to move around him. She was keeping a good amount of space between them still. “I know why you’re scared.”

“Sure you do,” Rattles said.

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“It’s not because you’re a coward, or because you’re the weakest of the villains in the Boss’ city. It’s not even because you’re afraid of dying. It’s because you know the truth.”

“What truth?” Rattles asked.

“You’re going to be alone. Forever,” Trinity said.

Athena nodded. “Because he’s the kind of villain who’s best villainous skill is hurting the people closest to him first.”

Trinity’s grin grew. “Because you’re the kind of dumb villain that hurts the people that are close to him. Like an idiot. You’re afraid because you know you’ll lose your tempter.”

“Temper,” Athena corrected.

“And because you know that no matter what you do, or how many cool leather coats you wear, you’ll never actually be cool, or make real friends,” Trinity continued. Then she stuck her tongue out at him again, for good measure.

“That bike,” Athena said, sounding a little excited. “He got nervous when you got closer to it.”

“Oh!” a nearby Trinity said. “Well, I’mma give it a kick then!”

The Trinity near Rattles laughed, then took off towards the bike.

“Hey!” Rattles called out.

It was too late. Trinity had reached the little scooter already. She kicked at its stand, and the whole thing tipped onto its side, then crashed onto the sidewalk. There was a loud crack as something plastic broke.

“Oh, you little shit!” Rattles said.

Trinity laughed and took off running.

There was a strange wobbling sensation in the air as Rattles reached a hand out towards her. The ground shook, and just like that, Trinity exploded into ash that quickly faded.

A fresh Trinity appeared next to Emily. “Oops,” she said. “He’s angry.”

“Everyone, in position,” Emily hissed. “Bandit, go poke some more fun at him. Everyone else, behind cover.”

Putting action to her words, Emily ran back behind cover as well and soon found herself tucked in behind a dumpster along with most of her sisters and her… current allies.

Trinity’s laughter at the entrance of the alley was accompanied by a shot from Rattles. Emily ducked down lower as the ground below and the dumpster next to her trembled faintly. Even the brick walls lining the side of the alley shivered a little, and she noticed a small piece of mortar pop out from between two bricks.

“Oh oh!” the Trinity at the mouth of the alley said before she took off running deeper into the alley.

Rattles stomped after her. Literally. Each step was a big stomp that set the ground to trembling and which made Trinity’s run turn into a stumble. She zipped past the dumpster, giving Emily a thumb’s-up as she passed.

Rattles followed.

The plan depended on a few things outside of their control. One, that Rattles wouldn’t collapse the alley on them, and two, that his night vision was shot from standing in the street.

“Now,” Emily said.

Three things happened at once.

Maple activated her anti-vibrator and the trembling changed in pitch.

Glamazon summoned a pair of large, glowing balls of bright light that immediately lit up the alleyway, and finally, Athena rolled out from behind cover deeper within the alley and raised the toaster cannon.

There was a shout of surprise from Rattles as he raised an arm to cover his eyes. He stomped a foot down hard, but while his leg was vibrating, it didn’t create the usual big tremor.

Then Athena fired.

She missed, not that Emily could blame her in the chaos. The shot still screamed past, a heavy blow travelling through the air and sending detritus flying.

Rattles ducked a little too late to avoid the blow that had already missed him.

Which was when Alea Iacta reached out of nowhere and touched him on the back. Only his arm was visible. The rest of him was covered by Trinity’s ponchos, one over his head like a hood, the other two hanging off of him by some duct-tape. It was enough to cover him, along with the partial darkness of the alley, from Rattle’s vision.

Rattles spun, tripped over his own foot, and completely missed his swing at Alea’s face.

Then Glamazon tossed her balls ahead, and they landed around him.

He looked down. Alea Iacta jumped back and spun around.

The balls exploded.

Rattles stumbled back, blind, unlucky, off-balance, more than a little confused, and currently weakened more than Emily had ever seen him.

“Ursa, take him down!” Emily said.

Rattles blinked his eyes just in time to see Teddy’s paw come crashing down against his face.

***

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