Chapter 112 – Laughter, Isn’t Always The Best Medicine
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- Chapter 112 – Laughter, Isn’t Always The Best Medicine
Alliance Camp
Lord Uther the Lightbringer was patrolling the camp, awaiting the young prince to return from his assault on the orc base. The orcs hadn’t tested the fortifications since John had left with his men before dawn, which he took as a good sign that things were progressing smoothly for his former apprentice.
Still, though, something was bothering him about John’s recent actions, and he wasn’t sure what to make of them. First was this weird magic he was using. It had some resemblances to the healing magic used by the elven priest, though the chanting was completely different. He really wanted to ask to see these tomes and identify the source of their power. If paladins could be taught this magic, it would increase the effectiveness of both the paladin and the units they were commanding, both on and off the battlefield.
Next was more concerning. Why did he ditch his armour, his silver plates in particular? Those were like a rosary for a priest, robes and staff for a wizard, a crown for a king. John said it was because it offered more protection, but he wasn’t buying it. It would be one thing if he had added the silver plates to them, but as it stood, it appeared to him that John was having a crisis of faith. He would need to take him aside later and ask him some hard questions; they couldn’t have such a prominent member of their order openly defying their laws.
Finally, how was his magic so strong while wearing a helmet? Anytime Uther had tried in his youth, it felt like he was trying to pour his magic through a sieve. Yeah, it would go, but only at a trickle compared to what it should. Even now, as a tenth-level Paladin, he would be hard-pressed to get his Holy Light even to activate, let alone do much healing with that handicap. And there was no way in hell his resurrection spell would work.
He sighed. The King has asked him to watch over the young lad for a bit, to prepare him for the burdens of leadership before he has to take the throne. From what he could see, though, he was doing well enough on his own. His men respected him, the people seemed to adore him, and he didn’t seem to abuse his authority. There was little left to teach him at this point; he would continue to grow on his own and, with a little guidance, would make a great ruler someday.
Uther just had to figure out what was going on in the lad’s head.
Orc Ritual Grounds
“Attack!” Eh shouted, leading the charge down the narrow pass that led where they had spotted the black pillars. The footmen were stuck going four abreast, preventing them from encircling the four orcs that were blocking their advance. Two blue-skinned creatures called troll headhunters were behind the orc line, throwing wicked-looking, long-bladed spears at his men with impunity.
“Darkness,” He called out, blinding the two ranged attackers, though not before Frank took one of the spears through a gap in his armour. The man collapsed to the ground, screaming in pain, the spear sticking out of his shoulder. His fall created an opening in the defensive line for the orcs to push into, but they were foiled when one of the footmen in the second line jumped forward, closing the gap Frank had left.
“Cover me,” John said to the dwarves around him and stepped up to the gap where the man lay. He grabbed him by his good arm, then dragged him back to the relative safety of the riflemen. He ripped off the man’s helmet and tossed it aside. “I got you, Frank. Hold on.”
“I… think he got me. Can… you give my wife the letter-” Frank started asking John something, but he cut the not-quite-dead man off.
“Shut up, dummy, and bite down on this,” John said, shoving a piece of leather he pulled from his pocket into the man’s mouth. He couldn’t heal him with the spear still stuck in him, and it was going to hurt like a sonofabitch coming out. “Now tell me, does that taste like ball sweat or asshole?”
“Wut? HMMMGGHH!!!” Frank screamed as John pulled the spear out of his shoulder.
“Middle Heal! Cure! Heal!” John said, chanting out his spells. When he was finished, he could see the unbroken skin through the hole the spear had punched into his underpadding, fixing him up as good as new. He pulled the leather out of Frank’s mouth and pocketed it, in case someone else needed something extracted.
“Asshole… err… Thank you, Milord.” Frank said, swearing at him but correcting himself afterwards.
“Yeah, I thought so too. Distracted you for a moment, though. Now, how are you feeling?” John asked him, though he was watching the battle again. Two of the orcs had been killed; the humans were now able to encircle the remaining two of them, working in tandem to bring them both down. So far, no one else appeared to have any injuries; it looked like it was just some superficial damage done to their armour.
“Better… Sorry, I thought I was done for.” Frank replied, rolling his shoulder.
“It’s fine, there was a good chance you might have been if I wasn’t here. Rest for a minute; the fight appears to be well in hand.” John said, handing the man his helmet back.
“Yes, Milord.”
John stood up and retrieved his rifle. Looking back at the battlefield, he just held it safely to the side, the weapon unnecessary at this time. The Alphabets were just cleaning up the two remaining trolls, the blinded beasts, cursing and screaming at being stabbed by an enemy they couldn’t see. John did not pity them; they had been capturing and torturing humans, then sacrificing them to summon demons.
“Keep pushing forward!” He called out, then started to advance himself, only pausing to help Frank stand up.
They passed the pillars without incident, the four obelisks glowing ominously but doing nothing to impede their assault. In fact, there were no more orcs until they came across a large pit, fifty or so feet across, surrounded by burning torches. In the centre, standing amongst a pile of fresh corpses was a green-skinned orc with a massive two-handed sword.
John aimed his rifle and fired, the round slamming into the orc’s chest. Or so he thought. The orc shimmered, and suddenly there were two orcs standing side by side, both howling out a war cry in unison.
“Kill them!” He commanded, and the footmen leapt to obey, running down into the pit. The dwarves took positions around the rim of the crater and began to pepper the orcs with rifle fire.
The orcs charged at the approaching footmen and began to dance, dodging and weaving around the footmen’s strikes like they were filming a choreographed fight scene in a movie, not a life-or-death battle. They would slash at them, then dodge backwards just far enough to avoid their return strikes, then lean back in to attack them again and again. They were even deflecting some of the rifle fire with those long blades, moving faster than any being made of flesh and blood had a right to.
They were completely outclassing the footmen in every metric that mattered except for sheer numbers. However, as a famous leader of the Soviets once said, quantity has a quality all its own*, and the numbers game was starting to wear the orcs down. Slash marks formed on their arms and chest, the beasts were unable to avoid or deflect every attack from the number of footmen assaulting them.
Eh himself rushed forward, planting his foot on the back of one of the other footmen, then leaping through the air to impale one of the orcs in the chest. The moment his sword connected, though, the orcs shimmered again, the two orcs changing position and now flanking the footmen.
The one that teleported behind the footmen turned towards John and the dwarves and sprinted towards them, the one left behind engaging the footmen recklessly to keep their attention forward. John took a quick shot at it before dropping the rifle and drawing his sword, the weapon’s distinctive ringing easily heard over the cacophony of the battle below.
“Darkness!” John attempted to cast the spell, but like the Slave Master, this orcish blade master was immune to its effects. He didn’t have time to cast barrier on himself before the orc was on top of him, a heavy upwards diagonal slash that was aimed right at John’s neck. The attack was so quick that John barely had time to react before the sword bit into his neck, the blade slipping past his gorget and finding a gap between his helmet and the armour.
Incredible pain shot across the right side of John’s face as the blade managed to cut the helmet’s strap and continue upwards, knocking the helmet off his head in the process. Rage blossomed within him amid the spraying blood and pain he felt, and a terrible scream burst forth from his lungs, causing even the orc to pause for a moment.
Leading with his left shoulder, John jumped forward with all the power he could muster, smashing his pauldron into the orc’s chin. It knocked its head back, stunning it for a moment. The momentum of the jump left John unbalanced, and he continued forward, knocking them both off their feet, the weight of John and his armour knocking the breath out of the orc when they hit the ground.
With their arms tangled and its neck now exposed, John attacked with the only weapon he had available and bit into the beast’s throat. Blood gushed from the orc’s neck as John ripped a huge chunk of flesh out of it, severing its carotid artery. The orc blood had a distinctive sweet metallic taste to John, who spit the flesh out immediately, disgusted that its flesh had almost tasted good to him.
“Fuck you, beast!” John roared, driving his sword into the orc’s belly from the side, then rolled to the right, cutting through its midriff and spilling its entrails across the ground. “Let your demons eat on your soul for a sacrifice, you pig-faced-” John stopped.
That’s where he knew that taste from; it almost tasted like ham.
He started to laugh.
He started to laugh like it was the funniest thing in the world.
His head and face were on fire; he could feel his blood pouring out of his wounded face.
He laughed some more.
He knew he had to heal himself, but he couldn’t stop.
“MILORD! Your…your… Milord, are you-” Eh, said but then John cut him off.
“Hah, the orcs, Hahaha, they taste like, Ahahhaa, they taste like pork!” John laughed.
“Milord… your face.”
“Oh yeah, I bet I am really pretty now, Hahaha, Eh, something is wrong… Hahahha, I can’t stop laughing.”
John really couldn’t stop. He was in agonising pain, and his head was feeling light from blood loss. He looked back down at the bloody corpse in front of him, the orc’s throat torn open and its guts spilled across the ground.
It wasn’t funny in the slightest, but he couldn’t stop laughing.
Not until the world went dark.
* – The quote is from Stalin, though it may have actually originated from Clausewitz or even Marx himself.
Source: Webnovel.com, updated by NovelKeep
Chapters
- Chapter 216 – ♥♥♥ Turning The Tables On A Crazy Rabbit
- Chapter 215 – Insanity Is The Spice Of Life
- Chapter 214 – Elders And Kids Say The Darndest Things
- Chapter 213 – Breakfast And A Show
- Chapter 212 – The Power Of Hunger
- Chapter 211 – The Hunger Grows And The Doctor Strikes
- Chapter 210 – Deviants And Dragons
- Chapter 209 – Dancing His Way Into Women’s Hearts
- Chapter 208 – Growing Respect
- Chapter 207 – Sibling Rivalry
- Chapter 206 – It’s The Results That Count
- Chapter 205 – ♥♥♥ Tenderized Glazed Rabbit
- Chapter 204 – An Unexpected Dinner And A Show
- Chapter 203 – Forethought, Foresight, And Family
- Chapter 202 – The Hero Behind A Mask
- Chapter 201 – Twilight Tears
- Chapter 200 – A Connoisseur Of The Arts
- Chapter 199 – Rising Infernos
- Chapter 198 – Life As A Side Character
- Chapter 197 – Feelings And Egg-cellence
- Chapter 196 – Spicy Dinner Conversations With A Side Of Self-Reflection
- Chapter 195 – Personal Space Is Overrated
- Chapter 194 – Ruminations Of A Rabbit
- Chapter 193 – Carrots And Confessions
- Chapter 192 – Eye Spy With My Little Eye Something That Begins With T
- Chapter 191 – Offers From A Rambling Grandma
- Chapter 190 – Keep An Eye Open When Probing For Mines
- Chapter 189 – She Is A Little eXtra
- Chapter 188 – Not All Walls Can Be “Dig” Through
- Chapter 187 – The Paladin Without A Plan
- Chapter 186 – The Other Side Of The Mountain
- Chapter 185 – Crazy Comes In All Shapes And Sizes
- Chapter 184 – The Difficulties Of Staying On Topic
- Chapter 183 – Sometimers Strikes Again
- Chapter 182 – The Good And The Bad
- Chapter 181 – A Carrot A Day
- Chapter 180 – One Of A Kind
- Chapter 179 – The Night That Luna Fell
- Chapter 178 – A Time For Tea
- Chapter 177 – Sagely Advice
- Chapter 176 – The Rules Of The Game
- Chapter 175 – Escape From U.S.J.
- Chapter 174 – Twilight’s Herald
- Chapter 173 – A Mountain Of Trouble
- Chapter 172 – ♥♥ Clams, Catfolk, And Catnip
- Chapter 171 – For Science!
- Chapter 170 – The Problems With Pelicans
- Chapter 169 – Gunship Diplomacy
- Chapter 168 – Don’t Look A Gift Horse In The Mouth
- Chapter 167 – The Steel Within
- Chapter 166 – ♥♥ Unexpected Consequences
- Chapter 165 – Ignorance Was Bliss
- Chapter 164 – But Wait! There’s More!
- Chapter 163 – Be All That You Don’t Want To Be!
- Chapter 162 – It is Elemental, My Dear John
- Chapter 161 – Dancing With Wolves
- Chapter 160 – Giving Those Naughty Puppies A Whipping
- Chapter 159 – When The Cheap Sunglasses Finally Broke
- Chapter 158 – Honour Is A Heavy Burden To Bear
- Chapter 157 – ♥♥ A Broken Angel In His Arms
- Chapter 156 – Planning, Trauma, And The Mysteries Of A Red Cup
- Chapter 155 – With Eyes Wide Open
- Chapter 154 – ♥ Growing Problems With Communication
- Chapter 153 – One Oath Is As Good As Another, Right?
- Chapter 152 – Predatory Pirate Vs A Wrathful Wizard
- Chapter 151 – The Wizard Of Blackstone
- Chapter 150 – A John A Day Keeps The Doctor Away
- Chapter 149 – Out Of The Frying Pan
- Chapter 148 – A Dangling Thread Of Intrigue
- Chapter 147 – An Anger Fueled By Nuclear Fires
- Chapter 146 – Rock’em, Sock’em, 3049
- Chapter 145 – With Bated Breath
- Chapter 144 – Kinder Surprise Toys Just Ain’t What They Used To Be
- Chapter 143 – ♥♥♥ The Maiden Who Came To The Villain Of DEN
- Chapter 142 – Kids Say The Darndest Things
- Chapter 141 – What Goes Bump In The Middle Of The Afternoon
- Chapter 140 – The Angry Little Landmine That Could
- Chapter 139 – Slow Dance With A Cannon Opener
- Chapter 138 – A HEAP Of Trouble
- Chapter 137 – Snakes Have No Protection From Privacy Breeches
- Chapter 136 – Bargains Over A Cup Of Coffee
- Chapter 135 – Memories Of The Past, Pains Of The Future
- Chapter 134 – More Than One Way To Win A Woman’s Heart
- Chapter 133 – Rougher Side Of The Periphery Life
- Chapter 132 – Troubles And Opportunities
- Chapter 131 – The Unsinkable Suzy Q
- Chapter 130 – Cookin’ With Lasers
- Chapter 129 – The Disposables
- Chapter 128 – Questions? Just Ask Alec! Results May Vary
- Chapter 127 – You Lose Some, You Win Some, Have A Drink And You Will Feel Better
- Chapter 126 – By The Will Of The Light, By The Hand Of John
- Chapter 125 – ♥♥♥ Cloaking His Dagger
- Chapter 124 – A Cup Of Tea
- Chapter 123 – Problems Of People, Politics, And Pelicans
- Chapter 122 – ♥♥ Paradise By The Cockpit Lights
- Chapter 121 – The Duality Of John
- Chapter 120 – ♥ Bittersweet Victories
- Chapter 119 – An Ocean Of Nightmares, An Armful Of Dreams
- Chapter 118 – The Fortunate Son
- Chapter 117 – Eh-ighties Action Star
- Chapter 116 – Wet Towels And Cheap Whiskey
- Chapter 115 – Always Be Discrete In Your Indiscretions
- Chapter 114 – Implied Threats
- Chapter 113 – The Dangers Of Using An Unlicensed Barber
- Chapter 112 – Laughter, Isn’t Always The Best Medicine
- Chapter 111 – To Be A Leader
- Chapter 110 – Prince John, The Man, The Myth, The Legend, The Florida Man
- Chapter 109 – ♥ The Sweet Nothings Of A Strawberry
- Chapter 108 – Blame It On The Wine
- Chapter 107 – The Rage Within
- Chapter 106 – A Harsh Reminder
- Chapter 105 – Walk Softly And Carry A Big Hammer
- Chapter 104 – A, B, C, D, Why Is Alec Messing With Me?
- Chapter 103 – One Hand Giveth, The Other Taketh Away
- Chapter 102 – ♥♥ A Taste Of The Divine
- Chapter 101 – Dancing Amongst The Stars
- Chapter 100 – The Angler VS The Archerfish
- Chapter 99 – Driven Into Darkness
- Chapter 98 – Twin Calamities
- Chapter 97 – John Wayne, The Best Supporting Actor
- Chapter 96 – Delaying The Inevitable
- Chapter 95 – The Black Knight
- Chapter 94 – Tears Of Despair
- Chapter 93 – Nowhere To Go But Up
- Chapter 92 – Lurking Problems
- Chapter 91 – Unraveling World
- Chapter 90 – ♥♥♥ Three’s Company
- Chapter 89 – Arrivals And Departures
- Chapter 88 – Acting On Trust
- Chapter 87 – Meeting Of The Minds
- Chapter 86 – The Burden Of Truth
- Chapter 85 – The Price Of A Friend
- Chapter 84 – An Inconvenient Truth
- Chapter 83 – ♥♥ Naughty Elves Don’t Get To Make Demands
- Chapter 82 – Testing Boundaries
- Chapter 81 – A Test Of Bonds
- Chapter 80 – What About Breakfast At Niki’s
- Chapter 79 – A Master’s Responsibility?
- Chapter 78 – Bread And Circuses
- Chapter 77 – Infinite Frontiers – The Phantom Pain
- Chapter 76 – F-R-I-E-N-D-S
- Chapter 75 – ♥♥ Ruining A Princess
- Chapter 74 – Sibling Sideshow
- Chapter 73 – Burgers, Beings, Bombers, And Broken Noses
- Chapter 72 – Are Elves Bullies Too?
- Chapter 71 – The Six Billion GSC Man
- Chapter 70 – The Black Leather White Knight
- Chapter 69 – Debts
- Chapter 68 – Temptations
- Chapter 67 – A Brief History Of Infinite Frontiers
- Chapter 66 – Lost And Found
- Chapter 65 – Elves Are Cuter When They Are Bullied
- Chapter 64 – No Replacement For Displacement
- Chapter 63 – You Know What They Say About Assumptions?
- Chapter 62 – When In Doubt, Blame The Intern
- Chapter 61 – A 12-Gauge Send Off
- Chapter 60 – ♥♥♥ Playful Punishments With Fantasy Physics
- Chapter 59 – She Is A Good Girl, One Way Or Another
- Chapter 58 – Mother Knows Best
- Chapter 57 – She Is A Real Passenger Princess
- Chapter 56 – Yes, Embrace Your Anger
- Chapter 55 – Daddy Issues? Better Call John
- Chapter 54 – A Wild Pink-Haired Menace Has Appeared
- Chapter 53 – The Wonderful Wizard Of HOTD
- Chapter 52 – A Midnight Dance
- Chapter 51 – ♥♥♥ The Queen Of Awkward Timing
- Chapter 50 – ♥ The More Things Change, The More They Stay The Same
- Chapter 49 – Call Of The Canon
- Chapter 48 – Saved By The GRRRRAAAHHH!!!
- Chapter 47 – How The Turn Tables
- Chapter 46 – The Reality Of Dreams
- Chapter 45 – She Knows My Name
- Chapter 44 – Talk To Me Goose
- Chapter 43 – The Man Who Chose The Bear(folk)
- Chapter 42 – Mostly Harmless
- Chapter 41 – A Relaxing Ride
- Chapter 40 – Duck, Duck, Goose, Owl?
- Chapter 39 – Stirring The Pot
- Chapter 38 – Ones True Nature
- Chapter 37 – What Smells Worse Than Wet Dog?
- Chapter 36 – ♥♥♥ Bunnies Are Still The Best
- Chapter 35 – Five Gals Chatting, Four Contracts Binding, Three Faces Blushing, Two Damsels Dodging, And An Annoyed Paladin In A Pear Tree
- Chapter 34 – Nicknames And Pillow Friends
- Chapter 33 – Medieval Casting Couch
- Chapter 32 – Well, That’s No Ordinary Rabbit!
- Chapter 31 – Revelations
- Chapter 30 – The Start Of A Legend
- Chapter 29 – ♥ Love, War, And Terrible Back Pains
- Chapter 28 – Pains Of The Past, Present, And Future
- Chapter 27 – Promises And Pitfalls
- Chapter 26 – Cruel And Unusual Co-workers
- Chapter 25 – ♥♥ One-Sided Family Planning
- Chapter 24 – The Principle VS The Fallen
- Chapter 23 – The Devil’s Due
- Chapter 22 – The Principal Strikes Back!
- Chapter 21 – Power Of Destruction And Power Naps
- Chapter 20 – Student Council VS Principle Wayne
- Chapter 19 – That Pent Up Aggression Needs An Outlet
- Chapter 18 – Space Aged Tractor Simulator 2000 W/Cat Herding DLC
- Chapter 17 – Not The Cologne I Was Looking For
- Chapter 16 – It’s A Trap!
- Chapter 15 – The Clothes Make The Man
- Chapter 14 – You Can Never Avoid The Bureaucracy
- Chapter 13 – Set For Ludicrous Speed
- Chapter 12 – Consequences Of Drinking The Nectar Of The Gods
- Chapter 11 – Cuddles and Conundrums
- Chapter 10 – ♥♥♥ Bunnies Are Just The Best
- Chapter 9 – The Dangers Of Health Drinks
- Chapter 8 – Deals, Contracts, And Unwise Spending Habits
- Chapter 7 – Day Drinking, The Proper Way To Train Magic
- Chapter 6 – Why Are There Freaking Dinosaurs!
- Chapter 5 – This Show Needs An Epilepsy Warning
- Chapter 4 – No Good Deed Goes Unpunished
- Chapter 3 – Karma vs Canon
- Chapter 2 – Noise Violation Consequences
- Chapter 1 – High School of the Nope
- Prologue – Truck-Kun’s Collateral Damage